What to do when someone is terminally ill.

GlasweJen

Send a card but don't make a song and dance about it, when I was terminal suddenly I was inundated with flowers, cards, messages from people and I was just too ill to respond to them all.

People would always ask after me, ask when they can visit etc, I wanted to spend time with my family, the closest of close friends and my (at the time) new boyfriend plus fit in still having a life.

Some people were so dramatic that I just felt like the latest distraction, be sincere and don't be offended that she doesn't want visitors.

Summerstage

Firstly, I am so sorry to hear of this sad news for you.

I think it is great that you want to let her know what you thought of her.

I fully understand that some people would wish only very close friends or family to visit..they are usually very tired and too many visits may leave them feeling drained. So it is correct that you respect their wishes.

Only you know the kind of relationship you both shared and if you really think about it...you probably know what sort of message she would appreciate.

The shared memories you mention, even is they seem inappropriate now, will probably ring the truest for her and I would think she will get great pleasure from remembering the good times.

At times like these, hard as they are, the person has usually came to accept what lies ahead and in my experience...like to hear about how they will be remembered..their legacy.

Speak from your heart, with the lighthearted memories included, I'm sure they will appreciate it.

My thoughts are with you x

Lotus-eater

GlasweJen wrote: »

Send a card but don't make a song and dance about it, when I was terminal suddenly I was inundated with flowers, cards, messages from people and I was just too ill to respond to them all.

People would always ask after me, ask when they can visit etc, I wanted to spend time with my family, the closest of close friends and my (at the time) new boyfriend plus fit in still having a life.

Some people were so dramatic that I just felt like the latest distraction, be sincere and don't be offended that she doesn't want visitors.

I wish I could thank that more than once.xx

GlasweJen

Lotus-eater wrote: »

I wish I could thank that more than once.xx

And here I was thinking I'd be slated for that post.

Savvy_Sue

GlasweJen wrote: »

And here I was thinking I'd be slated for that post.

No way! When I was waiting for the brain surgery, there were some people I actively avoided telling, because I really didn't need the 'Oh how AWFUL' responses!

GlasweJen

It's the ones who crawl out the woodwork. Acquqintences who suddenly were ever so close to me abs so very upset, in reality they'd not seen me in 8 years.

myrnahaz

I agree with the posters who suggest that the 'friends and family' rule may be at the request of your friend's aunt. My mother was just 58 when she died after a 9-month illness. She changed from a youthful, active "girl" into a bent, old lady who couldn't control her saliva and couldn't speak so she only wanted to see her closest friends and family. However, these close friends and family often needed support, so you might find that you have a very important role in helping to support your friend through her own grief. Also, the aunt might stabilise to the point where she'd be more amenable to having visitors, in which case you'd be well placed to be included. But don't confuse your own need for comfort with a desire to help the aunt, you might find that , if you visit her, your sadness overwhelms you, in which case you'd be no help to this lady at all. My heart goes out to you, but the aunt is the important one here.

Person_one

GlasweJen wrote: »

It's the ones who crawl out the woodwork. Acquqintences who suddenly were ever so close to me abs so very upset, in reality they'd not seen me in 8 years.

Serious illness and death always seems to bring a few !!!!!s and drama queens out of the woodwork.

Why am I not allowed to say gh0u1s?

Mado

If you have nice photos that would remind her of the fun times you've shared, you could try and make a card/poster or a small photobook with them. Maybe if you can write up on the funny anecdotes to raise a smile, it would be lovely too.
Otherwise, just keep the words simple and sincere, without delving on the inevitable.

And if you want to send something, I would send something (chocolates/ teas..) she can share/offer to her carers if she is too ill to enjoy it herself.

jinty271

Thanks for all the great suggestions - they have really helped.

I should add that I totally appreciate and understand that it should be close family & friends only who visit, whether it is at my friend's, her aunt's, or other members of the family's requests. I was not meaning to imply that I disagreed with the request.

There is a bit of a no man's land between relatives and friends, and I would not want to overstep what was appropriate, hence my post asking for suggestions.

Thanks again to you wise folks