SOA - Debt free wannabe

Barbeduk

Blimey, a lot of this really struck a chord. My husband has not looked at a bank statement or credit card statement for 20 years!

Like everyone is suggesting, you need to take over the running of the finances. Is your current account internet based? I run my finances in a techy/luddite way. I keep a written list (which is week by week) of all the direct debits/cheques/debit card payment due to come out of the bank. I check the current account online every day and tick them off as they clear. I also check the credit card account weekly in case there's anything on there I'm not aware of. It's the only way I can see of me not getting back into debt.

DH hates talking about anything financial so when we were paying off the debt I would update him by TEXT (!!!) every time I made a repayment. Now I'm starting on the mortgage but again, he does not want to be involved.:wall:

I don't know if this would help at all, everyone's situations are so different. Interesting though that my DH is also very well educated. Shame they got no financial education!

Good luck, I'm sure a lot of us recognise that awful anxiety and panic. But perhaps if he stays really unhelpful you need to look after No1 and pay off everything in your name first.

nemomum

Thank you so much for all your advice and supporting comments. I've felt like King Canute trying to hold back the sea all month. Yesterday we spent a free day at a nature reserve and when I got back I sold £40 of garden plants to a couple of ebayers. Today I managed to get the Halifax to give me back the £12 in charges for one of the missed payments and I was really depressed when I read my husband's mail and totted up the £36 in charges missing his payment caused + the £12 from the Royal Bank for missed DDs. Next month will be really tight because of those as we'll have double the payments. His missed payment pushed his card over his limit so that's why he had three charges but he has to get it paid down under the limit and more this month or next month's interest will push it over again. I've told him to phone and see if he can get them to reverse the charges but I doubt they will. Worth a try though. He says he'll car boot to pay them and is very apologetic but that just means we will have nothing to show for the car boot except the paid charges when we could have been up if he'd done that sooner. I think I may just be getting through to him though. Still incapable of talking about it without losing the rag though and I knew those charges would come but seeing then on the statement just makes me so upset and angry. I've highlighted them in yellow so he sees them in the future too.

I've sold £40 of garden plants yesterday and also sold the stepladder today for £15 so I've brought a bit more money in, a little more each day. I've potted up more things for selling and I've got some people coming for some of the furniture on Friday. It is things we can manage without. I'll put some things to the local auction house too.

I've also been doing some baking today and making everything from scratch from the cupboard leftovers. They're getting a bit low but we can make it to payday if I eek it all out.

I did have to point out that doing a car boot sale at the weekend will not get the money in in time for it to pay to the card to avoid the charge he'd get when the interest went on and for being overlimit on the end of the month so we'll just have to put all the money I'm making to it and live on the cupboard staples, air and hope nothing happens that costs anything.

nemomum

Okay, sold ladder for £15 and have someone possibly coming to see more of my plants tonight for selling. Now off to list some more on gumtree before baby wakes up.

heartbreak_star

Good luck hun. I thought my ex-OH was useless with cash till I read this thread!!

*hug*

HBS x

bargainbetty

You are doing so well, I would have thrown something at him by now!

I honestly think the bank accounts need to be changed. Take him down to the bank, and get basic accounts opened for him, you and the household. (When the joint card comes in for him, hide it.)

The money goes into the main pot to pay the bills. He gets a weekly stipend into his account. Basic accounts have no overdraft, no cheque book. Cash only. When 'his' money is gone, it's gone. Make it clear that any further hire-purchase (Brighthouse) agreements or debts he takes on are to be in his name only - you will not be responsible for paying them, unless you have sepcifically agreed to them. His debt, his stipend, his budget.

You will be able to pay the bills without his !!!!!!-ups causing you worry. Your money, raised from Ebay etc, should be split with a small stipend to you and the rest to the house budget. You are making a contribution too, so you should also have a little pocket money.

I honestly feel this is the only way you can stop him from dragging you into a pit. I would also have a word with his family and explain that due to a banking error, you are a bit strapped for cash this month and won't be able to visit. If he complains, offer to tell them that the banking error is his personal inability to avoid paying unnecessary charges. Work out the cost of the visit and then show him how much his losses would have contributed towards it.

I ended up dealing with all the finances in my marriage. I didn't want to, but the reality was that I had no choice unless I was prepared to risk things not be done and the bills not being paid. For me, therein lay the route to madness. Better do it than it not be done etc...

Good luck x

nemomum

Well, everything was being paid okay this month until today. Hubby had expected a bill for £40 but it was £240 as we had changed to eon and Scottish Gas did a final bill instead. No going back as we did owe it but he hadn't expected it to come off this month. Now I've just transferred £200 of my overdraft and that leaves £100 for everything including one more DD and all the food and petrol until the end of the month. There will be the family allowance but that's not for a while. I am :mad: I've been selling things all month and putting money in and he has made no extra money, not a single penny. Had a big row with him today when he got home and when I pointed out he hadn't made a single penny extra he sarcastically handed me 5p from his pocket. What do you make of that? I gave it back and told him to stick it where the sun doesn't shine. I'm going to have to cancel my trip up to see my parents as we just can't stretch to it. I also cancelled the playgroup trip for £15. I'm so depressed today with all this. Now I'm going to have to send an email to my folks to say we can't visit.

sistafromanothermista

Have one of these... What a horrible b@st@rd. I would do exactly what bargainbetty says
Chin up hun. Lets hope that £ is rubber and can stretch until end of month. Maybe list all the bits and bobs in the cupboards and freezer and try and meal plan until then.x

flippin36

Nemomum - you sound at the end of your tether. Sorry you are having to cancel trips, that must be really upsetting. I remember that feeling of spending a whole month selling all my things, only to find there was an unexpected bill that OH "forgot" to tell me about. Its like one step forward, two steps back. I think the best thing I did was taking complete control of the money. I can account for every penny now. I withdraw cash at the beginning of the month and give OH cash he needs so at least I know whats going in and out and no nasty surprises. If he wants to buy something it has to come through me, just so I know and can wiggle the budget accordingly. Its hard work but you'll get there. Keep chipping away.

Re food. Try shopping around 7ish to get late night bargains until child benefit comes in. Honestly its saved our necks on many occassions.

Becks81

You poor thing

It's hard enough tackling debt as it is but when you up against it with the OH I know it is even harder. ( I unfortunately speak from experience)

The money problems are not going to go away - and your OH needs to realise this. Have you thought about showing him this thread, at least so he reliases how unhappy he is making you.

Marriage is a partnership, it should not be down to you alone to manage. He needs to wake up and get his lightbulb moment.

But in all seriousness, take care of yourself, dealing with things on your own can really drag you down.

speeddial

Nemomum - you are doing brilliantly so keep at it.

Some people are better with finances than others. I take my finances seriously but I always seem to slip up unintentionally, my partner who I am so proud of is brilliant with finances and I let her have the control over what we are doing with our money and it works best that way.

I think even though you don't want to take control of the finances that you should and if it's difficult to talk about explain to your partner that as you are a SAHM that you have more time on your hands to deal with all these things while your partner is at work.

Marriages are about partnerships and team work, some are better at some things and other are clueless but together you can put all the best individual qualities that each have and work through this.