Advice please for living under same roof when seperating

BLUEBIE

Dear All,

Having just found out that my husband is cheating on me once again (always with the same woman) I have finally snapped and had enough.

House is going on the market at the weekend and have an appt to see a broker on Tuesday. My husband wants none of the equity in the house, he is keeping his saving account and if I can afford to give him some more money once debts and all has been paid of I will. I need the majority of the equity to be able to out a roof over my childrens head. This is something we are both happy with. We have a lot of debt so there isn't going to be huge amounts left over anyway.

However, he won't move out until the final moment even though the other woman has offered for him to go and live with her, still wants his cake and eat it I guess.

So can anyone give me advice on how to go about distancing myself, whilst I am incredibly upset. I want to try and keep as much away from the kids as they have been through this too many times before.

But the temptation to cry and shout at him is sooo bad. He also keeps texting me stupid things like have you had your lunch yet etc. So how do you go about breaking up while you are still living under the same roof. I soo wish I could just kick him out.

The whole horrid story is on my other posts if interested.

Bee

hazyjo

Let him do his own washing and ironing, etc. Don't cook for him, just do your own things. If he goes out, stay in. Try and arrange your nights out for when he's in.

Stop giving him updates on what you're doing. Ignore his texts - do not reply, and certainly don't stick that usual kiss on the end.

Don't ring him when on way home or whatever you used to do, just keep your distance as much as possible. No running commentaries on anything.

Start the ball rolling. You can fill out divorce papers online. Send 3 copies to your nearest divorce court (all info online). Sign each one. He can pay costs if you wish, even if you fill out the form. Do him for unreasonable behaviour, not adultery - it's probably been going on too long for the latter (over 6 months), plus it's more hassle than it's worth if you were thinking of naming her, etc.

Good luck. Stay strong.

Jx

BLUEBIE

hazyjo wrote: »

Stop giving him updates on what you're doing. Ignore his texts - do not reply, and certainly don't stick that usual kiss on the end.


Jx

How the heel did you know I was still sticking the 'x' at the end of texts I actually had to check my texts then to see I had done it.

He is refusing to tell the kids although i think its his responsibility, it his doing he should deal with it, I know if I do it I will cry and really don't want to get upset.

AllyS

Its not easy!! My OH stayed with me for 4 weeks, but to be fair he had nowhere to go, so I had a little sympathy. Funnily enough none of his fancy women wanted him full term!!!!

Anyway, just be civil as you can, stay out of each others way as much as possible, he may try things on a little IFSWIM but a look of disgust his way would probably ruin his chances!! I would just ignore the conversational texts for a bit and stick to only formal stuff.

Goodluck!!

FatVonD

BLUEBIE wrote: »

House is going on the market at the weekend and have an appt to see a broker on Tuesday. My husband wants none of the equity in the house, he is keeping his saving account and if I can afford to give him some more money once debts and all has been paid of I will. I need the majority of the equity to be able to out a roof over my childrens head. This is something we are both happy with. We have a lot of debt so there isn't going to be huge amounts left over anyway.

If he doesn't want any of the equity could you just remortgage in your name only? You could end up downsizing just to see all the equity disappearing to pay estate agents/solicitors fees/stamp duty and still end up with the same size mortgage?

BLUEBIE wrote: »

However, he won't move out until the final moment even though the other woman has offered for him to go and live with her, still wants his cake and eat it I guess.

I'd be tempted to deliver his suitcases to her anyway with a big note (addressed to both of them) saying 'be careful what you wish for'.

BLUEBIE

Can't stay there as we have about 30,000 worth of debt which I won't be able to pay plus the mortgage, if it was just the mortgage it would be okay. So I need 30,000 from the equity to pay that off.

spirit

My ex steadfastly refused to move out too so I know how bloody awful the situation is.

As the others have said, don't do any housework or cooking for him. I was even advised to be in different rooms, so if he is watching tv in the living room then you go into another room.

My solicitor wrote to his - which he passed on to ex to say that it wasn't in the childrens' best interests for him to be there because of the atmosphere and it would be better for them if he moved out. He didn't but it might work for you.

in the end I told him the house sale was going through and that he needed to move out the week before completion to avoid 2 removal vans on the drive and the chaos that would mean. What I omitted to tell him was that the sale fell through that day (the estate agent wouldn't deal with him although I hadn't instructed that) and he moved out

Grumpygit

Why can't you scream and shout at him? (Obviously not in front of your children) It was his doing so give it to him both barrels.

How old are your children?

They are going to know that something is up so whilst I agree it should be his responsilbility, why not tell them yourself that he will be moving out to live with someone else?

I do like the idea of sending a suitcase to the woman

BLUEBIE

The kids are always there but yes I will scream and shout when able lol.

I have her address and phone number so wish I could think of something I could do to get my own back - if only to make myself feel better.

If you read some of my earlier posts on this you will see what a nsaty piece of work she is.

x

hazyjo

BLUEBIE wrote: »

How the heel did you know I was still sticking the 'x' at the end of texts I actually had to check my texts then to see I had done it.

He is refusing to tell the kids although i think its his responsibility, it his doing he should deal with it, I know if I do it I will cry and really don't want to get upset.

Cos I know how hard it is to stop - especially if you're someone like me who's used to adding one when texting friends, etc... Just don't do it. Keep any love, affection or familiarity out of the equation. It is hard to start with, but gets much easier.

He thinks he can win you round or delay things at the moment. He can't. You need to stand firm and don't let things drag on month by month. Be strong and be in control of this situation. He will realise that actually he no longer likes his 'nest' as things have changed. Whether or not he moves in with her is another thing. I do think he's wanting to keep things as they are.

I think you should both tell the kids (how old are they?). Sit down together, even if he does all the talking. You will surprise yourself at how strong you can be when you have to. I fall apart at anything, I cry at adverts, I cry if I feel in the slightest bit like I've upset someone or they've upset me, yet we (as a family) managed to all tell my dad he had cancer (after he'd nearly died 5 years ago). I have no idea how we managed it, I even spoke, we were all so strong - and, even though I'm still a complete wuss and cry at the drop of a hat - I know now I can find strength when I need to.

Are you still sharing a bed? Any way you can move into another room? Start living more independently.

Remember, brave face, strength, independence, and dignity. Soon enough, you will both want out. You can do this.

Jx

paddy's_mum

I'll bet money that six months from now, he will still be with you!

My reason for saying that?

Nowhere in your posts do I pick up any sense of deep loathing or unstoppable rage. Only when you feel outraged and tempestuous enough to come out of your corner ready to kick, bite, yank hair and gouge will you be able to break free.

I wish you luck.