What happens when you're a stay at home mum and can't pay debts?

Vikipollard

As plenty of others have said, ditch him. He's your real problem, but deep down you know that.

You say that would leave your daughter with only one parent, but the reality is that's all she has anyway.

Find a local solicitor who will give a free hour's session. Enquire about divorce. At the same time, begin the CSA process and apply for benefits. Does your daughter have a best friend who you feel able to confide in the mother of? See if she could stay there the day he is kicked out? Get the locks changed and put his stuff in bags on the drive for when he gets home.

You must have a provable track that you paid him off when you took over the mortgage which will hopefully prevent him having any claim to any more money from it (though again, the solicitor would need to advise).

Barbeduk

As everyone else has said, for goodness sake make him leave! Or tell us what it is about him that you would miss? He has taken away your self esteem and you need to find the confidence and strength to chuck him out PDQ. I doubt there is a happy, loving atmosphere in your household at the moment.

Also, speak to a debt management charity about your finances.

But for the love of god, get rid of that man!

natlie

Sorry to sound negative but if you leave him you will get CSA from him, income support - if you get a job you will get tax credits and childcare and you should have Child benefit anyway - he sounds horrible and you deserve better and you will have more support without him! yes its hard being a single mum I have done it, I did my degree and bought my first house as a single mum - don't think you can't do it- sounds like he makes you feel bad about yourself

this is more than a debt issue - try and talk to citizens advice and try www.entitledto.com to see what you'd get without him - good luck whatever you decide

Got_No_Answers

Hi Emma12345

I have just read your thread. As a bloke, I wanted to give you my opinion on the 2 issues you have.

Issue 1 - Your debts.
Can you do an SOA on here to show what your £1000 goes on every month. This will give the fab people on here a better idea on what goes on what and what debt you have and need to prioritise. (I did it and they helped me) You can then contact CCCS or Payplan who can discuss your situation. Or, can you let us know your minimum payments on each debt and the total. My brother was in a situation where he was struggling and spoke to his creditors and negotiated with 3 of them to pay 1/2 of the minimum payments for 6 months and used the remaining amount to pay of the smallest of the debts. Then once that one was paid, did it with the next debt and so on.
Whilst this did destroy his credit rating, he was not going to be getting any more credit for a long time and like you owned his house. Have you also spoken to the mortgage company? The mortgage company he was with (C&G) were great. Put him on interest plus £10 a month and he also used this to tackle his debts.

The job front is difficult but it can be done (this coming from someone who is in desperate need of a job also). My mate has triplets!! and his wife was desperate to work. She googled and found a company who use at home people to answer incoming calls (like the numbers you have on tv to get stuff and order junk) She could set her hours and work it around their kids. In the end she actually became a childminder. Is this something you could look into?
You have not stated where in the country you live but have you looked at moving somewhere slightly cheaper? You also say grandparents are not interest. Is this for both yours and your so called husbands?
Have you asked parents at your daughters school about what they do for childcare? Maybe one of the parents can help out at a fraction of the cost of a childminder?

Issue 2: The "Husband" (this word is used very very loosely)
Ask yourself why did you take him back? Are you really in love with him or do you love him for the sake of your children. No man who loved his wife would ever allow her to suffer in this way (money and emotionally). By what your stating in your posts it sounds like he is using you as a hotel. Sorry but your not a doormat!
If this is too personal question please dont answer but are you sleeping with this tool! He is getting his cake and eating it and making you sweep up his crumbs. YOU ARE ALLOWING THIS TO HAPPEN! You and only you can make these changes.
If I was to ever treat my darlin wife like what your describing, she would have my knackers as earings!

Where did the £1000 a month total come from? Is this what he said he is going to give you or what you ask for? Does he know how much you spend on living? Your daughter is watching how you are allowing this "bloke" to treat you. You need to start setting ground rules.

1 - Make a list of his outgoings and your outgoings and show him. State that things cant go on and you need to start to make some changes.
2 - If he loves you and his children then he needs to take his fair share of responsibilites. Wether it is contributing to childcare so you can work or he pays you more.
3 - Set a deadline to make changes. What do you want to change? Apart from the debts, in your relationship.
4 - Set 1 goal first then move to the next. Sometimes having too much in one go can make too much to do and push you backwards.

I would suggest that you start by saying to your husband that if he does not help more or change his attitude towards you within 1 month, there is the door dont let it hit you on the way out. This is your house, your life and only you can do this.
It will shock him only if you are prepared to actually follow up on this. However this is only if the above about contributing to the house does not work. Also as for the "jiggy jiggy" benefits of a mariage then you should not be giving this to a man who treats you to a slave.

I know my reply is quite long but to hear of a woman who is obviously being abused, and this is abuse of emotional state, really makes me feel ashamed of being apart of the male species.

FBaby

Emma, I don't want to sound negative either, but if you were to leave your husband, you would be expected to look for a job as your DD is over 5 yo. You would not be entitled to IS.

From what I read, the house is yours and yours only, it is therefore not that unreasonable that you should pay the mortgage. I undersatnd that you rack debts whilst you and he were separated, so again, not that unreasonable that he should expect you to repay these yourself.

You say that you can't work, but I am not too convinced about this. You have experienced since you had a good job before. The school your DD goes to has childcare facilities from 8 to 5:45. There are childminders in your area. I think you are finding quite a lot of excuses not to get a job and maybe that is why your husband is frustrated and therefore acting like a !!!!!.

I was a single mum for 5 years when my children were 18 months and 3 years old. I had no help with family as they all live in another country and had no help at all, never had, from my ex with childcare. He made it very clear that that was my responsibility. It was completely unreliable anyway, so would never have wanted to count on him. It was tough, but certainly not impossible.

Considering that if you become a single mum, you will be expected to look for a job and show that you are indeed doing so, I would think this is definitely your best avenue to explore. You need to take control of your life and take responsibility whether within your marriage or on your own. You have debts and a mortgage to pay, you can't expect your husband to repay it all whilst you spend all your days at home, surely? Otherwise, maybe the only way forward is to consider putting him back on the mortgage and getting him to pay half again.

sistafromanothermista

Hi there's some really good advice here. Please take it. Not for your sake but for the kids you say are your world.

I've been in an abusive relationship in the past and it wasn't till i met and married my gorgeous hubby i realised what a pathetic existence i had before!!

Good luck and be strong

Barbeduk

I have to stand up for the OP, I think the last two posters are missing the point.
Fbaby, are you suggesting it's ok for him to live there rent free? £1000 for mortgage and all the other bills is not much.
Lily76, you need to re-read the original post. She does not have £2200 a month to spend. If you move to the second paragraph you will note she states he only hands over £1000.

But the major issue here surely is the abuse which neither of you seem to have commented on.

lily76

Barbeduk wrote: »

I have to stand up for the OP, I think the last two posters are missing the point.
Fbaby, are you suggesting it's ok for him to live there rent free? £1000 for mortgage and all the other bills is not much.
Lily76, you need to re-read the original post. She does not have £2200 a month to spend. If you move to the second paragraph you will note she states he only hands over £1000.

But the major issue here surely is the abuse which neither of you seem to have commented on.

I have read all Emma's posts and deleted my former one as it sounds silly and naive. I know she only gets 1000 a month but I thought the rest was kept by her husband to pay other major bills like food or some pocket money to their daughter. I did not notice that he keeps this money for himself just paying some minor bills and the rest goes as his pocket money.

To Emma,

It appears to me a shouting machine is much much more terrifying than a big sum of debt. However, you obviously wouldn't leave him claiming it is for the children's sake. I doubt this is true because
some people like using kids as an excuse. Emma did you ever ask your children if they really want a dad who keeps shouting and won't even pay a holiday for his children? A quiet and clean home with a happy single mum and a messy and noisy home with mum and dad quarrelling each other all the time, which appears more tempting?

Nevertheless, I understand the feeling of being afraid of to be left alone. I don't have a family near me as well. You must think it is far better to have someone to have a quarrel with than being alone all the time yourself. It is a lack of feeling of safety. I fully understand this but I would not think this is a good reason enough for you to keep such a man. You deserve a warm family but not with this man.

As for your debt problem, there are a lot of free services and you can try them first to reduce your interest rate if you cant let the bank freeze it. If that doesn't work, you might try some debt management companies, sometimes they really can let bank freeze interest for some time, normally for 6 months. You need to pay huge management fee to the company, so I would not suggest the second way only if the first one fails. Have you ever thought of selling the house to pay off the debts? If you can not have a reasonable interest rate 500 extra-income a month would not help you out of the situation.

You can be a childminder yourself or use your daughter's school hours to do some cash-paid job like a cleaner or a housekeeper. I pay my window cleaner cash and he just knocked my door to introduce his service. All my neighbours accept his service. He charges 3 pounds and there are almost 70 houses around. There are some take away job as well, go to a Chinese or an Indian one and you get paid by cash. It is not legal but it happens everywhere so I don't want to have a moral chat on this.

itsgottogetbetter

My friend always says its better for a child to come from a broken home than be living in one... Please consider leaving him... He will destroy you otherwise. Could you consider childminding to earn money?

likelyfran

McKneff wrote: »

So he earns £2,200 a month, gives you £1K to manage a household and you are struggling.

While he swans around with £1,200 a month as pocket money to call his own.

He's wiping his feet all over you and you are allowing him to.

To be honest, Im not really sure about this thread.
Come back DMG24, she could spot them a mile away

£1k to cover
£500 cc bills
Mortgage
Gas
Electric
Insurance
Food
Etc, etc, etc

Oh, has she sloped off at last?