What happens when you're a stay at home mum and can't pay debts?

emma12345

duchy wrote: »

You pay the mortgage -is the house solely in your name and what do you expect to happen to the house when you split up whether it's now or when the kids grow up ?

As for him not picking up your child-How on earth do you think single parents cope with working ?

We'd all like to sit at home -but waanting a better future for our kids motivates us

Yes the house is solely in my name. When he did a runner shortly after daughter was born I remortgaged in my name and paid him more than his equity was worth. Worked my socks off. He would change his hours so he couldn't help out with childcare, I couldn't change my hours, couldn't get any other childcare so would lose that job. So I got another job. He abused childminder. Childminder refused to look after child. Another job gone. Months later got another job. Child ill second day. He wouldn't look after her, I had to. Job not impressed, I agree with them, so lost that job.

Left it a while, tried again. Same again.

I really don't know how other single parents manage it. The single parents I know rely on their OH's when they are not available and to share school holidays. They also have a network of grandparents and aunts. I have none of that.

The school does provide childcare but only 8 until 5.45pm. I have tried to get jobs between those times but no luck. Who wants a 40 something year old with no recent references when there are 300 people with recent work experience and good references!

My best bet is working at various things at home. That does work normally but I feel I'm sinking under a barrage of new costs every day. Like everyone else probably. And I am sinking. I need to get a new positive attitude and work 24/7 but my daughter is very attention seeking so it is hard to work online when she is here. And when she goes to bed she wants me upstairs (as OH is shouty) or if I insist on staying downstairs to work online OH accuses me of going on chat rooms. Note I have never had an affair, he has.

Please someone say something positive to help me. I am not perfect and have probably made mistakes in the past like most people have but have done EVERYTHING IN MY POWER. Every second, every minute, every hour or every day is for my children. I stopped living my life years ago. I do every thing I can to provide a life for my children. Everything is for them. I take abuse, nastiness, go without, do all I can to provide the only family I can. But I am still sinking.

I think I will just stop paying the credit cards and they can do what they like.

emma12345

megan01 wrote: »

OP, I don't know much about finance, but I do have a lot of experience in relationships.

You have one life. Your children have one life. ONE LIFE. I understand money is a big worry right now, but your health and happiness are more important right now.

If your daughters husband had an affair , ran off with another woman for 4 years and then came crawling back, because he was scared of being alone, and she accepted him back, would you not slap her into tomorrow?! It sounds really silly doesn't it.

Please for your sanity, leave this man, move out of the immediate area with your children, set up base somewhere. Look for advice on here about claiming all the relevant benefits you can, call the Debt Advice helpline and get your finances in order, and perhaps get a part time job to get you out and about meeting people so you begin to feel more independence that you weren't getting with him?

It won't happen straight away, but eventually you might be able to save up a small pool of money for treats and holidays every now and then. the Sun run cheap £20 caravan holidays if you save up tokens, and before school starts theres normally tons of threads on here with money saving bulk buying uniform and shoe deals.

It is possible, you deserve better, don't for a second think you don't! There is someone out there for you that will treat you right

Thank you so much Megan. Hope is what I need right now. But I don't think I could leave him right now. I don't have anyone really, I can't do it on my own. Besides the children need somewhere to live. Maybe he'll decide to leave again then I'll have to deal with it.

When I was a single parent before I was better off financially but felt it better for son to have a father figure around. Son has done well and is at uni but that is also a big financial worry.

Thanks again for your post.

megan01

emma12345 wrote: »

Yes the house is solely in my name. When he did a runner shortly after daughter was born I remortgaged in my name and paid him more than his equity was worth. Worked my socks off. He would change his hours so he couldn't help out with childcare, I couldn't change my hours, couldn't get any other childcare so would lose that job. So I got another job. He abused childminder. Childminder refused to look after child. Another job gone. Months later got another job. Child ill second day. He wouldn't look after her, I had to. Job not impressed, I agree with them, so lost that job.

Left it a while, tried again. Same again.

I really don't know how other single parents manage it. The single parents I know rely on their OH's when they are not available and to share school holidays. They also have a network of grandparents and aunts. I have none of that.

The school does provide childcare but only 8 until 5.45pm. I have tried to get jobs between those times but no luck. Who wants a 40 something year old with no recent references when there are 300 people with recent work experience and good references!

My best bet is working at various things at home. That does work normally but I feel I'm sinking under a barrage of new costs every day. Like everyone else probably. And I am sinking. I need to get a new positive attitude and work 24/7 but my daughter is very attention seeking so it is hard to work online when she is here. And when she goes to bed she wants me upstairs (as OH is shouty) or if I insist on staying downstairs to work online OH accuses me of going on chat rooms. Note I have never had an affair, he has.

Please someone say something positive to help me. I am not perfect and have probably made mistakes in the past like most people have but have done EVERYTHING IN MY POWER. Every second, every minute, every hour or every day is for my children. I stopped living my life years ago. I do every thing I can to provide a life for my children. Everything is for them. I take abuse, nastiness, go without, do all I can to provide the only family I can. But I am still sinking.

I think I will just stop paying the credit cards and they can do what they like.

The best thing you can do for your children is LEAVE YOUR SO CALLED HUSBAND. Please, honest to god, you can't see it right now because your blinded but listen to what people are saying! Look back to what a previous poster said, where she left her husband, and she had 40k worth of debt but she paid it off!

vasseur

megan01 wrote: »

The best thing you can do for your children is LEAVE YOUR SO CALLED HUSBAND. Please, honest to god, you can't see it right now because your blinded but listen to what people are saying! Look back to what a previous poster said, where she left her husband, and she had 40k worth of debt but she paid it off!

As above ^^^^^ the more posts you write the more I dislike your husband.

Write a list of all his good points and then a list of all his bad points.

Then write a list of good reasons for staying and good reasons for leaving. It will be an eye opener.

I can't honestly believe you will be any worse off if you leave him. You're broke at the moment and you are living with a selfish pig. If you leave you might still be broke but at least you won't have your (shouty) husband making your daughter's life a misery. You'll have more control over the money and your self-confidence will improve. YOU will have a life. It's a no-brainer.

I'm a single parent and I work full time - yes it is bl00dy hard work and I am by no means well off but i answer to no one and can honestly say that I am happiest being single. My daughter has never seen her father (his choice) but she is 8 now and has never once said I wish I had a dad. There are plenty of ways to keep kids amused for free so don't worry about your daughter suffering in that way - it just takes a bit of planning.
You'll probably find that employers are more flexible now than they used to be. Perhaps you could go back to college and re-train as something else?

Bennifred

Emma - it is glaringly obvious that your biggest problem is your OH, not your debts.

As the house is yours - make him leave. Everything else will fall into place, but things just will not improve until he has gone.

Talk of just needing an extra £20 per day is just fiddling round the edges and a distraction from the real problem. Please - make a huge effort (I'm not underestimating how hard this will be for you ) and get rid of him. Be brave!

doobiesis_2

McKneff wrote: »

I've taken out an upgrade with Vodafone which includes data of 500 MB a month and a Samsung Galaxy phone.

This is from one of your previous threads, how can you afford this if things are as you say.

Emma you don't need to justify this post to anyone, you're asking for help now, end off!

I agree about being on social, I was a single parent for 18years I would rather my daughter be happy with one parent than miserable with two, so I left - She's now 19 and it was the best thing I did. Was a struggle though don't get me wrong, but you can't be scared of being without someone who is bringing you down and not helping you.

D x

duchy

Well I can see what's in it for him living with you and your daughter but I honestly can't see what's in it for you two.

If you want your daughter growing up thinking that a wife should be kept short of money and shouted at -and generally of no account -you're on the right track. Kids aren't bothered about expensive holidays -a happy and relaxed Mum is what is important.

Keeping a childminder is much easier without an agressive bully upseting the applecart-Childcare isn't impossible-it really depends what the alternative is-I'd move heaven and earth to make it work if it meant kicking out a selfish waste of space who won't keep his own kids but only you can decide what your personal priorities are.

Emma you say you have a son at university-How old ARE your children -and what the heck are you going to do when they have all left and you're left with just him ????

ellesbellesxxx

One thing that struck me was that you said about paying for school bits most days... talk to the Head. I am a Teacher and all school trips etc we ask for VOLUNTARY contributions. Our Head Teacher has always known which people are not in a position to pay, and has even been grateful if they have offered 1 to 2 pounds to show willing (for example against 20 pound trip). As a school we KNOW exactly how much money things cost - and things mount up over the year. So Please please don't let this get you further into debt. The Head should keep it confidential and you don't need to mention it to anyone. They would be horrified if they thought a parent was having to get into debt for school... they wouldn't let a child miss out equally.

immie

Sorry I don't have any advise re money, I hope you find the courage to leave him, and start afresh. Reading this thread reminded me of a song called 'Question Existing',
Pressure release, I put in work
Did more than called upon, More than deserved
When it was over, Did I wind up hurt (Yes)?
But it taught me before a decision ask this question first

Who am I living for?
Is this my limit?
Can I endure some more?
Chances are given, Question Existing

ViolaLass

Why are you staying with a man who is abusing you? Is that the example you want to set your children?