Bit of advice please

BlackHoleSun

Make-it-3 wrote: »

Is there anyone in your life who knows you are gay?

I'm all for making a clean start somewhere else, and it sounds like you have nothing to lose by doing so, but the question is do you feel comfortable in yourself to be open and honest about your sexuality to new people you will meet.

If you move away and hide who you really are you will end up in a similar situation to you are now.

I agree, a move to a part of the country with a big gay community may help you to get the confidence to be who you are and then you can look at tackling telling your parents/old friends down the line.

Yeah, there are quite a few people who know and I am happy that they know.

The whole idea of moving away is so that I can be myself, i'm not ashamed of anything so I don't feel like I have to hide it away.

LurkerTurnedPoster

BlackHoleSun wrote: »

Yeah, there are quite a few people who know and I am happy that they know.

The whole idea of moving away is so that I can be myself, i'm not ashamed of anything so I don't feel like I have to hide it away.

I get what you are saying, it isn't all about sexuality. I apologise if it seemed I thought it was, I partly was thinking about you being young and 23 and that life was still unfolding for you. (Don't mean that patronisingly either) and that is a strand of where you are today also.

We all have to find who we are as we go along, and I just hope on all fronts you nestle in to who you are and are among people that know you and care and that you do get to a place where you can totally be yourself without judgement for anything.

xx

VfM4meplse

There's a lot to unpick here OP.

What I would suggest is making one change at a time, rather than doing anything radical and then descending into a spiral of further discontent.

19lottie82 wrote: »

Why don't you try and get a pt bar job, just one or two nights a week. That's a ready made social life and a lot of places don't ask for experience

This is an excellent suggestion. Apart from anything else, it would get you out of your home environment, give you something to look forward to and earn you some extra money - very useful if you are serious about moving out - and most importantly let you be yourself, if you pick the right bar.

Secondly, I think a bit of love in your life would make all the diference. You can't conjure up a partner from nowhere, just be open to it, put yourself in the right places and for heavens sake relax a bit.

Don't even think about quitting the day job. Many people don't like their work, but do what they need to do from 9-5pm and enjoy the rest of their lives. If you had someone to love in your life, I think you would tolerate what you've got and move onto something better. Or at least find yourself getting on better with your coleagues at work if you're happy in other areas of your life.

Only you know what's right for you, but I HTH.

MissMonkeyMoo

LTOP and cutestkids are right.

I understand why you think moving away will rectify your problem but the truth is it won't. You'll just have 'parked' the problem and not really dealt with it which can then be harmful for future relationships. I know you don't want to tell your parents, but how do you see your relationship with them progressing? You will be living a lie for the rest of your life which in turn will still make you miserable (even if you do move away and make new friends). I am not saying that it will be nice or that your parents will understand but better to be honest with them and deal with the consequences then sit there worrying about what might be.

Tish_P

Hope things get better soon, OP. I'm actually in slight disagreement with some of the above posts as I think, managed well and at the right time, moving away can be a fantastic way to clear the crud out of your life and get out of a rut. But it's best done when you are already feeling at least slightly confident, and in a positive way - moving to good things rather than away from bad ones.

Make some very small steps towards making your life better - small enough steps that they aren't scary, as you sound like you're really down and anxious at the moment.

For example: you hate your job. So - what job would you prefer? What's the first step towards doing that that would take less than an hour? Then do that. It might be opening a savings account so you can move in future, it might be looking up career options or college prospectuses. Do something every day or two and you'll build up some momentum to make positive changes.

I hope you tell your parents you're gay eventually, as it must really suck to have to hide parts of yourself from them. Of course you know your situation best, but I have several friends whose parents either were much less fazed than they expected, or already knew but didn't feel they could ask directly, or blew up at first but came round in the long run.

BlackHoleSun

LurkerTurnedPoster wrote: »

I get what you are saying, it isn't all about sexuality. I apologise if it seemed I thought it was, I partly was thinking about you being young and 23 and that life was still unfolding for you. (Don't mean that patronisingly either) and that is a strand of where you are today also.

We all have to find who we are as we go along, and I just hope on all fronts you nestle in to who you are and are among people that know you and care and that you do get to a place where you can totally be yourself without judgement for anything.

xx

Thank you, i do appreciate all of your advice

BlackHoleSun

VfM4meplse wrote: »

There's a lot to unpick here OP.

This is an excellent suggestion. Apart from anything else, it would get you out of your home environment, give you something to look forward to and earn you some extra money - very useful if you are serious about moving out - and most importantly let you be yourself, if you pick the right bar.

Secondly, I think a bit of love in your life would make all the diference. You can't conjure up a partner from nowhere, just be open to it, put yourself in the right places and for heavens sake relax a bit.

Unfortunately I work shifts so getting a pt bar job would be impossible, shifts are not set either otherwise that would be a really good idea. Something to look into when I change jobs I think.

Not long come out of a relationship so thats a bit of a sore subject at the moment, but I do understand the point you are trying to make.

Bennifred

If it is not the job itself you dislike, could you look for working at the same type of job, but elsewhere? So - getting a new job in a different part of the country perhaps? Then you would have to live away from your parents. First step is the income - can't do anything without money......

It may also be easier to be open with your parents if you aren't actually living with them.

Daisy70

I don't think moving away solves anything. You're just looking for a change of scenery and are moving away from your family and that can be tough. Not getting on with your work colleagues is not really a problem is it? If it gets you down that much, leave your job but your new colleagues could be worse!

Your parents reaction may surprise you. My friend came out after years of hiding it from his dad and he really thought his father would react badly - and didn't. He went to his civil partnership and even gave a speech. My friend was truly suprised and delighted.

BlackHoleSun

Daisy70 wrote: »

I don't think moving away solves anything. You're just looking for a change of scenery and are moving away from your family and that can be tough. Not getting on with your work colleagues is not really a problem is it? If it gets you down that much, leave your job but your new colleagues could be worse!

Your parents reaction may surprise you. My friend came out after years of hiding it from his dad and he really thought his father would react badly - and didn't. He went to his civil partnership and even gave a speech. My friend was truly suprised and delighted.

This isn't the first time I've thought about moving away, its been in the back of my mind for over a year now. I'm not close to my family at all so although it would be difficult I know I could cope with it.

I've sat here with my parents and heard the comments they make when they read about or see a gay person on tv, they wouldn't take it well at all.