Dumped at 46

Invernesschick

Says it all really.
My husband has walked out on me. This is my second marriage and the first time I have been dumped in my life. First marriage I ended - first b/f, fell out of love etc. I'll be honest I'm not coping at all well. It was a bolt out of the blue for me.
Anyway I need cheering up and honest advice.
He left on Tuesday and until Friday I thought he'd come back. He didn't. I've sorted out my finances over the past 8 months or so as he is unemployed and although things are tight, thanks to my son, we will manage.
My daughter is pregnant so can't rely on her shoulder I don't want to traumatise her with my incessant blubbering. It's like a bloody tap I can't stop!!!
Any advice will be greatly appreciated or funny stories. I hate crying in public but I know I will at work tomorrow. I've been having Diane Keaton-esque crying fits all the time but in the house on my own. I still love the bas***d how long will it take to get over this heartache??
I don't want to sound like a Mills and Boon but god it hurts.
R x

heretolearn_2

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

If it's the first time it's happened to you then it's bound to be a bit of a shock. Most of us have had a bit of experience when we were younger that helps us see that no matter how bad we feel right now, we know that eventually we'll get over it. So, accept how bad you feel, but don't be worried you are going to feel like this for the rest of your life.

I always found it best to give in to these feelings for a couple of days, really let them out, I'm not the only one who takes to their bed, hides under the duvet with a heap of tissues and a bar of chocolate, and howls and sobs and streams snot everywhere in private. After a day of that, you sort of start getting it out of your system, at least the initial wanting to cry all the time bit, and you start clearing your head a bit. That's my advice, anyway.

This is dead corny but true (and it comes from a song by Shaggy, snigger) but 'if things are as bad as they can be, you can be sure there'll be a brighter tomorrow'. Which I think of when things are that bad - it can only get better from here.

Also, when you get the wobbles in public, think 'it's mind over matter. I don't mind because the Baaa*** doesn't matter any more'.

rachel90

Oh, I'm sending hugs!!
Perhaps have a word with your manager or someone at work about it tomorrow, let them know what has happened. They will probably be a lot more understanding than you expect.
Do you have any single friends you can spend some time with?

I know it must seem like the end of the world but 46 isn't old by any means. You have plenty of time left to enjoy yourself. Take yourself for a break maybe? Go to a spa or something.
If there is anything you have ever wanted to do, do it! You have nothing stopping you. Apart from your daughter being pregnant but depends how far along she is?

Chin up and enjoy your children and your life xx

bluebird

A good cry works wonders,once that has been released you will feel slightly better.
Get it out of your head he's coming back, any person that does this isnt worth taking back.
You are working which is good as it gives you something to fulfill your day,days will fly into weeks and weeks into months,then you will look back and wonder why you felt so sad.

My favourite break up song is 'I will survive' go on now go,walk out the door don't turn around now you're not welcome anymore.

is the tune running through your head.

just be strong my love and things will seem better, hugs all the way for you.

January20

I agree with the great advice above! Been there... Get it all out of your system, cry as much as you need and don't put a time on your grieving for this relationship. It may take a while but you will get better and stronger.

marisco_2

Im really sorry to hear about your problems OP. Your husband deciding to leave suddenly has clearly come as an awful shock to you. It is no wonder that your emotions are all over the place at the moment. All that you trusted and felt secure in has been thrown up in the air. So not only are you upset about him leaving but stress and panic about your immediate future is likely to be high on your mind too.

Is there any chance of meeting up with your husband and talking everything through? You may or may not be able to salvage your marriage but understanding how he feels and telling him all you are feeling might help. It would also let you know where you stand regarding things like living arrangements, financial affairs etc. The more certainty you have, even if it is not how you would like things to be, the more you can concentrate on caring for yourself and slowly getting through this horrible time.

I walked away from a relationship a few years ago, though my situation was different from yours as my ex knew why I left. Even though it had been my decision to leave I found the months following our split to be like going through a grieving process. There are times when you will feel shocked, upset, worried and anxious. You will possibly feel alot of anger at times as well and a huge amount of regret. Not saying you have anything to reproach yourself for, but we all regret something we considered good when it goes wrong.

Dont be on your own to much, rely on friends and family. Yes they may have their own lives to get on with but they would not want you to suffer alone.

System

on a practical level you need to get on top of your change of finances and spoil yourself lots.

Thinking of you

Invernesschick

Thanks to all for replying.
I don't really know why he left, he's had some problems with which I was helping but things have obviously gotten too much for him and he's decided to leave. I know where he is, not with whom tho. He's in england so no chance of meeting up to talk.
He'll have to come back at some point for all his things- he took nothing with him. I've heard from his sister over the dreaded Facebook and she's been palming me off with platitudes but I'm under no illusions he's coming back to me. As has been said if he loved me he wouldn't have gone under these circumstances.
My daughter actually mentioned yesterday about going to a spa for the day before she has the baby in sept. I'll start saving I'd love to do it.
As for my work I am the boss lol. I'll tell the girls tomorrow morning and leave it at that. I started cleaning the house yesterday and I have thrown out things I didn't know I still had. I'm not the best at doing housework but I found it took my mind off and actually enjoyed the physical act of chucking things out. Who needs ornaments anyway!!
I don't really have many close friends I'm a loner by nature. I love my kids and my own company but I realize that just now that will not be a good thing.
Rambling away on here will probably help and I love reading all the other threads. I may even reply to some.
Thanks again
R x

bluebird

You sound like you've a good head on your shoulders,well done for coming on this forum and opening up,it couldn't have been easy and i admire folk who are Honest with their feelings.

Look forward to your spa it'll be brilliant.

And as for facebook ditch it.simples x

January20

Invernesschick wrote: »

I don't really have many close friends I'm a loner by nature. I love my kids and my own company but I realize that just now that will not be a good thing.
Rambling away on here will probably help and I love reading all the other threads. I may even reply to some.
Thanks again
R x

Sounds corny and silly, but you have us on here and sometimes talking to complete strangers online is just as effective as speaking to friends. It can actually be better because you can really be honest and you'll get honest opinions back, without any backlash in your real life.

VfM4meplse

Invernesschick wrote: »

It was a bolt out of the blue for me.

Did he have the decency to tell you why he left? You need to know why before you can even think about moving out of the grieving stage. Otherwise you'll forever be wondering whether you are to blame, although if you didn't see it coming the chances are that you are not.

You're going through a lot, but don't believe his leaving is any poor reflection on you. Marriage vows are a serious commitment, and he walked out on you!