Just when life settles down

GobbledyGook

Why is it that when you finally start to feel like life could be good again something (well someone) has to crop up and ruin it?

Every. Sodding. Time.

I know people here may slate me after all that he done, but the ex-husband and I have been "dating". Taking it incredibly slowly and just seeing how we go. He's worked hard at rebuilding our friendship first, and he has done a lot of soul searching and we've talked about a lot of things in depth. We can both see where our marriage went wrong, obviously his cheating was the main reason, but we can both see why we were unhappy. Mostly we've been concentrating on being good parents to our children.

Anyway we decided just a few weeks ago to "date" and it's been good. It feels like life is heading in the right direction. I got a promotion at work that I was sure I wasn't going to get - for the first time ever in my line of work experienced was valued over a degree (the last time I applied someone with a completely irrelevant degree got the job because they had shown dedication to getting their degree!) and I'm really enjoying my job again.

Yet today I get a letter from the ex-MIL. Just to ruin it she turns up again. She's also clearly either being told things by someone or she has been near/at my house as she's mentioned the girls' playhouse in the garden and my new car. So I'm back to being a paranoid Annie who wouldn't even let the children play in the front garden after school. It was a friendly letter containing nice words and more apologies - yet bizarrely that seems spookier than the threatening ones.

Can you get some sort of order which bans someone from writing to you? Can a nice letter be classed as harrassment as she's not allowed to approach or harrass me?

Why can't life just let me be happy for longer than five minutes?!

Savvy_Sue

I think it's harassment, tbh. But I don't know what I'd do about it, because you don't know whether she's been coming close (which is definitely harassment) or if someone's been feeding things to her.

But if you're dating her son again, can you talk to him about this?

annie_d

It can! You are doing well, life is good so stop looking at what can make it go bad x

GobbledyGook

I'm just paranoid that she's around again. I'm back to not feeling safe to let the kids out to play again.

She threatened to take my children (well my daughters - she has zero interest in the boy as the plan started before he was born) abroad. In fact she had a scarily advanced plan for it which included drip feeding the idea of going away with her to my daughters. She had a breakdown and spent time in hospital. She has convinced a lot of people that the plan was part of/due to the breakdown. I'm not at all convinced. I believe she did have a breakdown and I do believe there was some sort of delusions about her baby girl who died and my girls, but I don't believe it was all because she was ill. So I don't believe that her being better = my children being safe.

She's also onto plums if she thinks saying she's better, taking medication and apologising is all it's going to take. As horrid as it sounds I'd rather be mean to someone who was ill and is better than take a chance with the girls.

I'll speak to her son. He's going to be as freaked out as I am, and he's going to be livid to boot. He's told her numerous times to stay away and that she's not wanted in our lives.

building_with_lego

Gosh, you really do have an interesting MIL, GG! I remember your thread around the birth of your youngest and all that that entailed. :eek:

Surely writing to you counts as approaching you? I would think a chat to your solicitor and maybe a nice letter if necessary might help in the circumstances.
Quick question though: if it went well between your XH and you and you were to get back together, what would happen with regard to your inlaws? Does he still see his mother? Would it work if one of you could see a family member and the rest of his immediate family didn't? These are rhetorical, obviously!


(It struck me in your old thread that you were both managing your relationship with dignity and mutual respect, even though you were no longer together. I smiled when I read the start of this one )

BitterAndTwisted

In my book a letter is an approach. After her son has had a chat with her I'd be thinking about doing something drastic, like about her breaking the order not to approach or harass. I'd be as uneasy about her "nice" letter as you appear to be. The stuff she's revealed like knowing about things in the garden and your new car would give my the creeps. Actually, they have and I'm not you

GobbledyGook

building_with_lego wrote: »

Gosh, you really do have an interesting MIL, GG! I remember your thread around the birth of your youngest and all that that entailed. :eek:

Surely writing to you counts as approaching you? I would think a chat to your solicitor and maybe a nice letter if necessary might help in the circumstances.
Quick question though: if it went well between your XH and you and you were to get back together, what would happen with regard to your inlaws? Does he still see his mother? Would it work if one of you could see a family member and the rest of his immediate family didn't? These are rhetorical, obviously!


(It struck me in your old thread that you were both managing your relationship with dignity and mutual respect, even though you were no longer together. I smiled when I read the start of this one )

Interesting is one word for her!!

I think that writing a letter should count as an approach, but I wasn't sure if that was the case. I've left a message for my lawyer asking her and asking her to get back to me asap.

The XH hates his mother way more than I do. He'll never forgive her for the trouble that she caused between us and also she seemed to completely forget/ignore that her fleeing abroad with the girls would take them away from him as well. That broke his heart tbh. His brother is the same, I think maybe one day his brother might forgive her, but I don't think XH will.

FIL is a tricky one. He's a lovely man, but he believes that all of the trouble with her was because she was ill. He admits though that there is a chance he believes that because believing that his wife of almost 40 years was just evil is too much for him. He completely accepts that we'll never allow MIL near the children and that he'll never see them alone because he is still with her. He's the one person I feel the most sorry for - his whole family has imploded around him.

Thank you for saying that you smiled. Everyone (even BIL!) has said that I'm mad to take him back. I tried going out with someone else. The guy was kind, funny, warm, generous - in fact everything a woman could want, but he just wasn't XH and that's when I realised I'd probably regret not having another go more than trying and failing.


BitterAndTwisted - The niceness of the letter is the creepy bit for me! Especially the playhouse as that worries me she's been near my house.

Thank you for not thinking me mad or mean!

GobbledyGook

So after getting some advice today I have three choices -

I write to her and tell her that my stance of wanting absolutely no contact from her still stands and that any further contact at all will be seen as harrassment.

I get the lawyer to write to her effectively saying the above.

Or thirdly I let her son speak to her.

The third option is the one that the lawyer (not my own who has dealt with everything so far as she is on holiday - another one in the company) said he'd suggest. I think it's possibly the worst option as he is furious about it and I don't think him going round is a good idea.

I just don't know what to do.

NAR

Tell XH of what has happened and the three options that you think are open to you and go with the one he chooses. That way you have him onside with whatever action is taken.

Four_leaf_clover_2

Unfortunately getting involved with your ex does mean that his family will also be a part of your life, especially as you have children. One of many, many reasons why my ex and I are well and truly done and dusted.

I dont think you can stop anyone from writing to you. She can write away to her hearts content if she wants. Whether you read any of it or not is in your control though isn't it. You can just decide not to open the letters and bin them if you wish. If she doesn't get responses from you she may ask after you and the children via your ex. It is then up to him to decide how much he allows her into your lives. Hopefully he will discuss it with you and you can decide this together.

sarymclary

Talk it through with XH.

Having had difficulties with my own mother, I'd suggest that getting a letter sent from your lawyer is the better option. This ensures the message is delivered from an official source, whilst not giving XMIL the satisfaction of having contact directly from you or XH. Sometimes just knowing they can get you to respond personally is worth it. Presumably she wrote expecting some kind of response?

Wishing you and XH well with rekindling your relationship. Sounds like you both want a second chance at happiness. Good luck!