affairs

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I'm sorry you're going through this.


I think that he wants to keep it a secret because it means a) he can quietly resume contact without you realising that is the person and b) Because you know them or their husband and he doesn't want her found out as she would cut him off - or he would get a visit from her OH.

I would also knock a few years off her age and quite a few children - so the old woman with a mob of kids is actually someone younger, not looking after kids all the time and most likely has a husband that would go ballistic if he found out. Is the boss's wife a bit of a looker?

Or it's closer than that, it's the wife of one of his best mates.


This is about protecting him, not her, not you.



It's up to you what you do - he's trying to keep the power, but in reality, it's up to you what happens next.

FizzledOut

I couldn't reply earlier as I'm going through something quite similar - except my husband isn't interested in making our marriage work. Not right now - maybe never - and it's something that, after 27 years together, I'm struggling to get my head around.

I knew her name (from checking his online history), and found out all I could about her - on Twitter (little ;-) on tweets, grrr), a charity walk she did last year with her picture wearing bunny ears and a huge grin (grrr); she's mentioned on her childrens school website as a school dinnerlady. She's still got her life, her husband, her children, her home - I've lost my husband, got to sell my home, buy somewhere for just me making my son (23 but still at home) homeless. Makes me so MAD! But after a while I began to realise my anger is with my husband - his choice, could have said no at any time, could have stopped it at any time, and just carried on.

I can't take credit for this piece of advice - I found it online, on a website called Surviving Infidelity HQ. I would say get yourself to a doctor and get some anti-depressants down your neck. I cannot tell you the difference that has made for me!

· I would actually write down everything you want to know, then leave it for a day, go back and look at what you have written and cut it down to three important items.
The level of emotional turmoil you are experiencing right now is going to cloud your judgment and you want to avoid information overload..or it will paralyze you.
You are motivated to save your marriage and that is what you start the conversation with...but you need to know that your husband too wants to make this work.
You also need to be convinced that whatever was going on is truly over..and it is his job to convince you of that.
Understand that you are unlikely to manage this without some help..so look for a counselor and get
to agree to go with you..although you may also want to see someone alone just to give you some support.
Explain that you cannot figure out all you need to know with just one conversation..you can only process so much at one sitting..so you will need to ask more questions later..but focus on the most important to you to start with.

mrs_angry

right i have an update for you all, i decided to ask him for her name again, he refused so i decided to text her pretending to be someone she knew, and asking for her facebook name, it only took about 4 texts for her to give over her full name and facebook page!!!!!! what did i find out well my 41 year old hubby slept with a 52 year old woman who did work with him, but got the sack about two weeks after i found out about the affair, she is 3 years younger than my mum!!!! when i looked at her facebook page and pictures she is a right wrinkly trog, i told him what i had done and told him had he told me i wouldnt have had to resort to that sort of detective work, of course he was not happy, but i am, i now know that this woman is not some blond godess whom no man nor woman could resist, but an old wrinkly tart who isnt the sharpest tool in the box!!! when i asked him why he wouldnt tell me who she was he said it was because he was embarressed about what she looked like, and said he still didnt know why he had done it, i told him it was obvious why, she offered him it on a plate and he took it, he said dont be so crude but that is a fact, my husband the man i thought i knew was lured by a woman who offered him sex, and rather than work on his marriage with me he decided to have some fun.

i cant tell you all how much better i feel knowing who she was and what she looks like, and to be honest had i known these facts the night i found out i would have kicked his !!!! out of the door, telling him that if he wanted a woman like that he was welcome, that way he would have had to work at our marriage a little harder, rather than relying on me wanting to keep him so much!!!!

i now feel much stronger and know it was the right thing for me to do, it wasnt done because i wanted revenge it was done so i could stop my mind making up what this woman was like, of course i will never understand why he risked his marriage and family for this woman, i knew she must have been ugly on the inside to know about me and still continue, but i cant tell you what it has done to my self esteem knowing just how ugly on the outside she was as well, because when this happens to you your self esteem gets a big shock, i have thought is it me am i fat/ugly etc, now i know those feelings were unfounded.

of course knowing all this doesnt make things right and it will still take a long long time for me to trust him again but it has certainly helped me answer some questions.

i would like to thank you all for your support, i know some of you thought it was a bad idea and some would have done the same thing, i suppose for any woman going through this my advice would be to find out, because its the not knowing which drives you round the bend, and that doesnt help with the healing, i can now begin to heal

Pollycat

I've not posted on your thread before (I think this is the first time I've noticed it) but I would probably have been one of the posters advising you not to dig into this.

I'm so glad that it has worked out well for you finding out who she is, what she looks like etc.

It seems to have empowered you :T so onwards and upwards.

Do bear in mind that, even if she 'offered it to him on a plate', he could still have (and bloody well should have) said 'No'.
He deserves to take at least half the blame for your pain.

I hope things work out for you.

mrs_angry

Pollycat wrote: »

I've not posted on your thread before (I think this is the first time I've noticed it) but I would probably have been one of the posters advising you not to dig into this.

I'm so glad that it has worked out well for you finding out who she is, what she looks like etc.

It seems to have empowered you :T so onwards and upwards.

Do bear in mind that, even if she 'offered it to him on a plate', he could still have (and bloody well should have) said 'No'.
He deserves to take at least half the blame for your pain.

I hope things work out for you.

yes he should have said no, but he chose to betray me and break our marriage vows, and for that i totally blame him, and most probably always will, she didnt care for me or my feelings as i presume the "other woman" never does.
and yes i do feel empowered now, its just a shame this had to happen for me to feel this way, i feel like i now have the upper hand because even if my marriage doesnt work out (which i hope it does) i know that i did nothing wrong and the affair didnt happen because of who i am/ look like etc, i could deal with the sex side of things, because at the end of the day sex is sex, and thats all it was with her, its the love and feelings side of things that really hurt and will take time to overcome.

until this happens to you you will never imagine what its like, i had friends who it happened to and always thought my husband would never do that to me, how wrong was i, but i believe things happen in our lives for a reason and if this happening however awful has helped saved my marriage, then i suppose i should be grateful, because things could have very well turned out far worse.

she is on her own, and will have to live with what she did, and i hope karma bites her in her rear, as i know karma will always get ya!!!!;)

Pollycat

mrs_angry wrote: »

until this happens to you you will never imagine what its like

I don't need to imagine what it's like.
I know what it's like.

And I felt the same as you, I wanted it to work.
I tried to make it work.

Then one day I woke up and thought 'I don't love you anymore'.
So I ended it.

Welshwoofs

mrs_angry wrote: »

i told him i need to draw a line under this and finding out about the other woman the woman who caused all this hurt would help me but he still wont tell me,

Ahem....your husband is the one who caused all this hurt. He's the one who strayed. Accept that basic fact and you may find that your curiosity about her slackens. Putting your focus on her is a waste of energy; the problem is in your marriage and that's what you need to concentrate on if you do want to move forward.

Birdy12

Welshwoofs wrote: »

Ahem....your husband is the one who caused all this hurt. He's the one who strayed. Accept that basic fact and you may find that your curiosity about her slackens. Putting your focus on her is a waste of energy; the problem is in your marriage and that's what you need to concentrate on if you do want to move forward.

So agree with the above. Are you now saying your husband is blameless?

Pollycat

Birdy12 wrote: »

So agree with the above. Are you now saying your husband is blameless?

Doesn't sound like it:

mrs_angry wrote: »

yes he should have said no, but he chose to betray me and break our marriage vows, and for that i totally blame him, and most probably always will, she didnt care for me or my feelings as i presume the "other woman" never does.

And the OP seems to have done some sleuthing and found some things out about the OW that has made her feel better.

mrs_angry

Birdy12 wrote: »

So agree with the above. Are you now saying your husband is blameless?

i have never said and never will say that my husband is blameless, and im rather unsure where you get that idea from?, of course he is to blame, as i have told him many times but so is SHE, regardless of whether she knows me, or doesnt, cares or doesnt, she knew who i was, knew i was married with kids, and chose to do what she did, sorry but to me she is a !!!!!! and an old one at that!!!!
i can honestly say i would NEVER EVER sleep with a married man, and i would NEVER EVER betray my marriage vows, thats why i am who i am, a woman with morals.
im not defending what my husband did and never will but i will certainly never ever understand her reasons for doing it either, but then again she is obviously a woman with no morals and that speaks for itself really