affairs

mrs_angry

hi all im posting here to vent really, my hubby had an affair several months ago, i found out because he run up £700 in mobile phone bills talking to this woman, he just blurted out its another woman one evening when i got in from work, and in front of my children!!!!

we talked and decided that we should try and make the marriage work because we both do love each other, BUT and its a big but im struggling to cope with the emotions i have, some days are better than others.

and now i have it in my head that i need to know this womans name, most probably so i can find her on say facebook and see what she looks like etc, all i have to go on is a telephone number, please dont say ring it because i have and couldnt bring myself to talk to her, i witheld my number and she said "hello unknown number" so my guess is she knows its me, and trust me i wanted to say who are you but the words just wouldnt come out.

i have asked the hubby to tell me her name but he refuses saying i dont need to know, that hurts because it feels like he is protecting her, i told him i need to draw a line under this and finding out about the other woman the woman who caused all this hurt would help me but he still wont tell me, all he has told me is that she is 52 (he is 41) and has 5 kids and lives in the town where he works, although he said he doesnt work with her he said they met through work.

i suppose im looking for some advice, maybe from anyone who has been through a similar situation, if this happened to you would you want to know what the other woman was like? what she looked like? would you ring her, what would you think if your husband wouldnt give you her name etc........

i just need some emotional support from people not connected to me, i did post over on another board in a moment of madness i asked for help in tracking this woman from her phone number, yes i was called a stalker, and yes i suppose it is stalking which i feel terrible about but i just cant get this out of my head :-((

any help or advice woud be great.x

MandM90

Just out of interest, what would you do if you found out who she was? Do you think he may be worried that you'll do something irrational with this new information? Has he told you exactly why he won't tell you apart from that you 'don't need to know'? Have you explained to him that him still keeping the truth from you is hurtful?

I think I'd want to know, but I'm not sure what I'd do if I did. I hope someone with some sound advice will come along soon.

Have you considered marriage counselling?

j.e.j.

err.. put the phone number into google and see what (if anything) comes up?? Do a bit of discreet asking around?

If hubby has decided 'you don't need to know' then he's still keeping secrets from you and as such can't really wonder why you don't and won't trust him. Maybe ask him to try putting the boot on the other foot. How would he like it if you ran up £700, and then told him in front of the kids that it's another man but you don't need to know who.

ellay864

My ex did leave me and our young sons for the other woman but we had a 3 month period where we were supposedly putting it behind us to move on. I also had the urge to find out everything about her. But it didn't help me draw a line, it got me totally paranoid about where she was, could she have been with him and took over my mind. I grew increasingly distrustful, in some cases I was right but not all. Im sure now that was a factor in our inability to put it behind us.
If you really do want to move on I'd say to stop asking about her, all the attention you're giving her is attention you're not giving to you two as a couple. If you are going to work out, then you need to have her out of your life completely. I do get how hard it is but it will destroy you otherwise. Good luck x

McKneff

What youre doing is trying to find someone else to vent your anger on. You are needing to spread the anger around eh.

Do you think he is not telling you because he is afraid of what you will do, probably so.
Have you asked him if you yourself already know this person and that is why he is not telling you

It's my thought that he is protecting you from yourself first.

But I can understand your anger and frustration.

MissMonkeyMoo

Ok, this is going to be a long reply!

Firstly, the emotional rollercoaster that you are going through is perfectly normal and understandable. You may feel like this for a long time to come - there is minimum or maximum time frame that it takes to get through something like this. The fact that you found out several months ago but are still struggling to get over this is not a surprise.

Now, onto your husband. You made a reference that he told you about the other woman in front of YOUR children - are they his too? Sorry, seems like a pedantic point I know, but just trying to get an understanding of your situation. Have you been married a long time? You say that you have talked about the fact that you want to make the marriage work which is commendable but have you discussed WHY he had an affair? This is key to working through your problems and moving forward; you need to know why he felt the need to do this because if you don't you will antagnoise yourself with these questions and wonder what it was that she could offer that you couldn't. This is why you feel the need to confront this other woman; the ego (and this is a generalisation, not aimed at you personally so please don't take offence at this!) needs to know what this other woman has that you don't; we struggle to accept that our other halves could actually want to be with someone else and therefore start to self doubt. If you confront this other woman, what will you achieve? This is someone who embarked on an affair with a married man so she is not going to be sympathetic to you and whilst you may want answers she may not offer you the truth in any case. Some women, strange though it may seem, relish such confrontations and I think you would do better to keep a dignified silence however much you may want to rip her head off (and believe me, I do understand the urge!)

You need to sit down with your husband again and make it clear that the pain of what he has done is not going to disappear overnight and that in order to move on you need to know more about what happened and why. If he is still not willing to talk or refuses to give details, then you have to ask yourself if you can remain in a relationship where a) your husband has already betrayed you and b) continues to betray you by not being honest and open. If he is truly sorry and wants your marriage to work he will do everything he can; if he is not going to tell you any more about this woman there is a reason he is keeping things hidden and that is not good for you.

Slightly off the beaten path, but your husband doesn't sound v. clever running up a £700 phone bill either! Did he not think that might be a big red flashing light to you?

I really hope that you do manage to sort things out, but I also think that you need to be very honest with yourself and answer a couple of important questions - Do you still love your husband and do you still want to make things work? if the answer is yes or no the way forward will not be easy to begin with but you will find a way through. If you can make it work then hopefully this will make you stronger as a couple.

best of luck.

VfM4meplse

You need some time to collect your thoughts and get over the shock. As others have said, you're lashing out without direction.

There must be a thousand muddled thoughts running through your mind atm. I would set to with a pen and paper and write then down to get them out of your system as a first purge. You can then go back to them with a cooler head and identify which aspects are bothering you the most - you may well find its wondering what's lacking in your relationship that's causing the hurt, rather than the existence of A N other.

If you still want to exact revenge, that's your perogative. At least this way it will be rational and well-considered.

londonsurrey

If he's really sorry, then he has to stop with the rubbish. This includes lame stuff like "protecting you" (he's just exposed your family to devastation, he doesn't get to talk about "protection"), or decide what you "need to know".

If you want to know, then he tells you. He doesn't get control, not if he wants this to work. No more f***ing secrets.

But once you get the information, you have to be very controlled, as the future of your children is at stake. Good luck.

ellay864

MissMonkeyMoo wrote: »

You need to sit down with your husband again and make it clear that the pain of what he has done is not going to disappear overnight and that in order to move on you need to know more about what happened and why. If he is still not willing to talk or refuses to give details, then you have to ask yourself if you can remain in a relationship where a) your husband has already betrayed you and b) continues to betray you by not being honest and open. If he is truly sorry and wants your marriage to work he will do everything he can; if he is not going to tell you any more about this woman there is a reason he is keeping things hidden and that is not good for you.

.

I can see a difference between lying and just not giving you certain details that really won't help. If you feel he is being honest about everything else now, and he is being honest in saying that he won't give you her name then he isn't being deceitful, though I can totally understand how this will be ripping you apart (been there, got that t-shirt)
But it may be that keeping that particular information is for the reason of not wanting to risk you opening things up again etc. It won't help you as you feel right now, and I really do get why you want to know, but if he genuinely wants you two to move on and put this behind you, then maybe his reasons are valid and not necessarily a sign of anything untoward now

FatVonD

I can understand the need to know, whatever she's like it can't be as bad as whatever Goddess your imagination is torturing you with so yes, I'd try to find out where she lived and then I'd drive round there and leave his suitcases on her front doorstep.

Mk14:37

I'd start by terminating the phone contract, frankly. It will make it hard for him to keep carrying on and might also help bring him to his senses.