Moving house - MIL being a nightmare.

balletshoes

I still think your wife would be better served just not bringing the subject up with her mum now, her mum doesn't want to hear how good things could be when you move, so theres no need to keep bringing up the subject, until its a fait accomplit.

Person_one

Start talking about emigrating, how you could both earn much more in Australia so you could afford to fly her over for a visit once a year.

Suddenly 20 minutes won't seem so far.

aliasojo

Given her feelings on the subject, I wouldn't be discussing it with her tbh.

If you keep discussing it, she will have an input. If she has an input, she will feel she may be able to sway you and will continue to try to do so.

I think it's better for you and kinder for her if you stop discussing it and if and when the time comes, present her with the situation as it is, then.

YoungBaker

Just a note to remember whilst your wife is obviously on the same page as you, try and not be too harsh on her for coming home and end up doubting the move/reconsidering etc.

It's clear her mum obvious is using emotional blackmail on her and it's naturally going to make her think things through again. I think you are spot on the way you are handling it and ultimately it's you and your wife future you need to focus on, and just keep reminding your wife of this but not in too much of a "ITS ME OR YOUR MOTHER" kind of way :P not that I think you would

mummyroysof3

i just wouldnt mention it tbh and then she cant make comments. how ofen are visits to her now? and how often would thay be after moving?

Mojisola

aliasojo wrote: »

Given her feelings on the subject, I wouldn't be discussing it with her tbh.

If you keep discussing it, she will have an input. If she has an input, she will feel she may be able to sway you and will continue to try to do so.

I think it's better for you and kinder for her if you stop discussing it and if and when the time comes, present her with the situation as it is, then.

I'm of the same mind. You're doing the right thing for your family. In addition to all the good reasons you have for moving, add to that the benefits as your children get older. Living in a village would mean a lot of driving them around to get to clubs, friends and other social stuff.

You and your wife are going to have to keep a strong, united front on the issue which will give you a good platform to help your MIL. She is probably quite frightened of the future - she's lost her husband and now her daughter and grand-children are moving away. Fear can make people act quite selfishly.

She may need help to build a life of her own. As she's lived in the village for a long time, she should know plenty of people. She needs to make an effort to get out to some social gatherings.

Plenty of reassurance from your wife that you aren't going to abandon her may help but you have got to do what's best for your family's future.

BugglyB

On the other hand your mother in law lost her life partner a year ago which is very recent in bereavement terms. She may be scared about her own health deteriorating and being alone in old age.

Only you know whether she is whiny and manipulative or genuinely fearful.

If its the latter and your mil only has another few years to live do you think your wife will feel guilty in the long run for moving away from her?

Gra76

Your MIL just needs reassuring that for her nothing will change, she'll still have her visits, 20 mins is nothing to worry about.

This is exactly how I feel about it.

She's on her own now and (whilst I don't consider 20 minutes 'out of the area') her daughter and grandchildren aren't going to be just round the corner. How much of the antipathy towards the move is to do with her feeling scared at living alone and the prospect of her own health deteriorating?

I think the majority of the problems stem from her feeling like there's not going to be anyone there in the village for her. Her health is more of a mobility issue as she struggles with walking at times and it's not getting any better.

You made the mistake of telling her 20 mins, she will just argue for less.

Anything more than 2 mins away is going to be an issue as far as I can tell.

Start talking about emigrating, how you could both earn much more in Australia so you could afford to fly her over for a visit once a year.

If she didn't know about my fear of flying I'd almost be tempted to try this...

If you keep discussing it, she will have an input. If she has an input, she will feel she may be able to sway you and will continue to try to do so.

She's always had an input where my wife is concerned. Ironically, probably not helped by originally opting to stay in the same village.

Just a note to remember whilst your wife is obviously on the same page as you, try and not be too harsh on her for coming home and end up doubting the move/reconsidering etc.

I just keep reminding her in a very calm logical manor that staying in the village is only possible if we take on a larger mortgage and then outlining the pitfalls. It's taken a while but she's in total agreement with me now.

i just wouldnt mention it tbh and then she cant make comments. how ofen are visits to her now? and how often would thay be after moving?

At the moment my wife goes round to see her mum maybe 3 times a week and her mum looks after our kids a couple of days a week as she's semi-retired now. With her slowly worsening mobility we don't think it'll be long before looking after the kids will be too much for her anyway.

londonsurrey

Clarification of boundaries and rights:

MIL doesn't want to move because it's too much hassle - her right
She CAN move if she decides to - her choice

You want to move because it's causing hassle every day (too little space, etc) - your right

If put side-by-side, is she really happy to agree that her not being hassled is more important than your whole family not being hassled by being squished in your current house?

warehouse

You have to make this decision for your kids future, not your MiL's. Think worst case scenario and what happens if you're not around or able to pay the huge mortgage. Then what?

You simply have to make the move, and if the MiL throws her toys out of her pram for a few months then so be it, but she'll come round eventually. Just make sure the wife is 100% onside.