Moving house - MIL being a nightmare.

Gra76

My wife and I moved to the same village as my inlaws almost 10 years ago. Mainly because my wife didn't want to move far from her parents at the time, and in fairness it made financial sense as the property prices were very affordable for us.

Some background before I go much further might be required to make this clearer...

When we moved we bought a fairly small 3 bedroom semi-detached property. We had no plans of expanding our family at the time...famous last words! Fast forward nearly a decade and we have 3 kids and a house that's now bulging at the seams with 5 of us living there.

So we decided at the beginning of last year that we were going to buy a bigger house. Things got a bit messy though, which have made a big impact on our moving plans.

We now own our current property outright courtesy of a critical illness policy that paid out last year when I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. 6 months of chemo finished in February this year and I got the all clear, and touch wood it'll stay that way. Owning our property outright will enable us to take a couple of steps up the property ladder rather than one step, but I'm wary that the cancer could return so I don't want to stretch ourselves too much incase this happens.

My wife originally didn't want to move out of the village, she's always been a bit of a homegirl so she wanted to stay close to her parents. Which wouldn't have been a problem if the house prices hadn't rocketed in the decade since we moved in. We can afford to stay in the village but it's not cheap. Realistically we're looking at having to pay £250k+ for a house that's going to be big enough and has everything my wife wants. I'm not overly worried about this but when interest rates go back up it'll make things pretty tight. This worries me slightly, especially if the cancer returns and I'm off work again for a long period of time.

So I started to look around the areas closer to work, and have found a town much closer that has everything our current village has and more on top. The property prices are also much lower than the village we're currently in and the town is very pleasant.

Using the same checklist of 'must haves' that my wife has put together I can get us a number of similar properties in one of the better areas of the town for under £200k. Plus it's a lot closer to work. I calculated that between us we'd also be doing nearly 7,000 miles a year less just on commuting. With fuel prices these days that's a lot of money saved every year. Then there's the substantially smaller mortgage, which for me is probably the most important thing. I worked out that we could move there and still have plenty of money to save or put towards holidays even if the interest rate goes up to double figures.

Financially it would make sense for us to move there. The mortgage would be tiny for a start, which certainly puts my mind at ease! Then there's lower stamp duty and substantially lower commuting costs as well. It all makes financial sense.

We went over to have a look around at the town over the weekend and we both liked what we saw. I know the area quite well anyway and I know it's a good town anyway. My wife unexpectedly told me she would be very happy to move there.

Here's the part where it gets more difficult.

My FIL died a year ago last March and my MIL is still struggling to cope. She's always been very introverted and has very few friends if any at all. She's making it very clear (without actually directly saying so) that she doesn't want us to move away.

I don't want to have a large mortgage just to keep my MIL happy though, so things are going to end up coming to a head soon. My wife came back from her mums house yesterday upset because she'd told her mum about this town and her mum then spent the next 20 mins trying to make excuses as to why we shouldn't move there. Her excuses were:

- The schools might not be very good (I already checked the OFSTED reports for all of them and they're all as good if not better than the current local schools)
- We won't have any friends there (I don't think this is an excuse not to move!)
- It won't have the same amenities that the village has (It has far more amenities than the village, as you'd expect of a town really).
- It's a long way from her if we need anything (I timed the trip and it's exactly 20 mins on the dot as opposed to the current 2 minute drive, hardly a big difference).
- She said she won't be able to look after the kids anymore. (I know this, but she struggles to look after them now, her own health tells me it won't be a long time before she won't be able to look after them anyway so I can't see this being a valid excuse).

The only thing she hasn't actually come out and said so far is that she doesn't want us to move, but reading between the lines I can see that this is the only reason and she's just making up reasons for us not to move. She did exactly the same a few years back when we very briefly flirted with the idea of moving so this is no surprise, but I do find it a little selfish of her.

How would you deal with this? I don't want to end up with an arguement about it if I can avoid it, but I can't see many other options.

balletshoes

This is one of those situations where, in my opinion, theres absolutely no need for any head-on confrontation at all. You and your wife like the town, like the area, and it ticks all the boxes for you both.

20 minutes drive away isn't even moving out of the area as far as I'm concerned .

So your wife has told her mum that you might be moving. Nothing else needs to be said until you have done the deal and have the contract signed. Then your wife can tell her mum you're moving, and when.

It really is that simple, if you let it be that simple.

tanith

No need for an argument, you want to move as does your wife so she'll have to just accept it if you both stick to your guns although my guess is she'll be using emotional blackmail on her daughter. She is used to having you close by and its understandable she is concerned at being left behind. If you allay all her fears as she puts them forward and make her see that its better financially for you then what can she do apart from sulk?

floss2

The first thing I will say is don't think that your annual mileage will drop, as your wife / you will be driving to visit your MiL pretty regularly if you move out of the village.

Why not both of you sit down and discuss the whole thing with your MiL and involve her in the decision-making process? You could tell her of your concerns about your future health and wanting your family to be financially able to cope with buying a more suitable property; you could show her the school OFSTED reports (although she may be flummoxed by them, as I know I am!); you could tell her that all you want is for your wife to have the space / comforts she wants and that this is one way to do it without financially crippling yourselves; you could ask her to look at the details of some of the houses in your price bracket and ask her opinion.

pulliptears

Just as an aside, have you considered extending your current home?

Seanymph

How does your wife feel? Is she going to 'give in' to her mother and cause conflict with you? Or does she feel able to 'stand up' to her mother and do what is best for the family as you two have decided.

That's your problem as far as I can see - not the MIL, but the MIL's influence on your wife.

londonsurrey

floss2 wrote: »

The first thing I will say is don't think that your annual mileage will drop, as your wife / you will be driving to visit your MiL pretty regularly if you move out of the village.

Why not both of you sit down and discuss the whole thing with your MiL and involve her in the decision-making process? You could tell her of your concerns about your future health and wanting your family to be financially able to cope with buying a more suitable property; you could show her the school OFSTED reports (although she may be flummoxed by them, as I know I am!); you could tell her that all you want is for your wife to have the space / comforts she wants and that this is one way to do it without financially crippling yourselves; you could ask her to look at the details of some of the houses in your price bracket and ask her opinion.

Your method of laying everything out and asking her opinion sounds really reasonable and logical. I think it would work if the rules of the game were to be reasonable and logical. However, the logic game is being messed up by subtle power play and nebulous fears of the unknown.

I think it would be creating extra problems as the MIL is currently coming across as a nice enough lady, but not one for change in general, with leanings towards passive aggressive. So plonking the power in her lap by actively making her part of the decision making process is going to exasipate her "Oooh, you don't want to do that" leanings.

Going down this road will also make it worse for the wife, who the remnants of her childhood role (as most of us do) of listening to mother and mother's fears, combined with "After all, mother knows best". Just IMHO.

The wife needs to fix firmly in her mind, does she want to take the step that enables her and her family to live a more comfortable life, or to listen to mum and stay put, with the family bouncing off the walls for the next decade or so.


I'd go for the MIL being told, perfectly nicely and firmly. She also ultimately has the option of moving closer to her daughter, although I appreciate it's the last thing on her mind for the moment.

sassyblue

Your MIL just needs reassuring that for her nothing will change, she'll still have her visits, 20 mins is nothing to worry about. It might force your MIL to be a bit more outgoing and make some more friendships in the village where she lives too?

daska

She's on her own now and (whilst I don't consider 20 minutes 'out of the area') her daughter and grandchildren aren't going to be just round the corner. How much of the antipathy towards the move is to do with her feeling scared at living alone and the prospect of her own health deteriorating?

If she's already being a nightmare then involving her in the decision will probably make her more so. But maybe you could look at extending where you are? Or could you some solution that means your MIL still has a place in your family routine - is she mobile enough to pick them up from school once a week, will they still go to a club in the village etc? Something to make it clear that you're not leaving 'her'?

Gra76

Just as an aside, have you considered extending your current home?

This was the first thing I looked at, but there just isn't the room unfortunately. It's a small plot and my first thought was to build onto the side of it but there's so little room we'd gain very little by doing this.

How does your wife feel? Is she going to 'give in' to her mother and cause conflict with you? Or does she feel able to 'stand up' to her mother and do what is best for the family as you two have decided.

That's your problem as far as I can see - not the MIL, but the MIL's influence on your wife.

My wife is angry with her mum for trying to make her feel bad for moving. She doesn't want to upset her but at the same time she doesn't want her to feel like we're never going to see her again. I'm of the opinion that it's a 'like it or lump it' deal and if my MIL can't get her head around it then she needs to stop being so selfish. We're still close enough to see her at the drop of a hat, it's not like we're moving to the other side of the country.

Why not both of you sit down and discuss the whole thing with your MiL and involve her in the decision-making process?

We asked the MIL to be a part of the process in the recent past but she says she doesn't want anything to do with it and then proceeds to scowl until the topic is changed. Which makes it frustrating when my wife is trying to tell her how good the schools are etc because she doesn't seem to want to know. When you press the subject she starts coming up with irrelevant excuses as to why we shouldn't be moving.

She also ultimately has the option of moving closer to her daughter

She's already indicated that she has no intentions of moving. We'd broached the subject with her and she doesn't want the hastle of moving.

she'll have to just accept it if you both stick to your guns although my guess is she'll be using emotional blackmail on her daughter.

Sadly I think this is what is happening. I've told my wife that she needs to be clear in her head what is best for us, not her mum. I know when I spoke to my wife about it last night she was adamant she was sticking to her guns but I know that it might be a different story by the time I get home tonight!

Sambucus_Nigra

You made the mistake of telling her 20 mins, she will just argue for less.

You should have told her you were thinking of moving over 100 miles away, then gone in with the 'amazing' find of a village only 20 mins away.