Should I warn my ex's GF about him?

peachyprice

If you contact this GF now, 6 years after the event, she'll think you're totally nuts. You're the one who now seems like a crazy stalker with a problem.

Just let it go, move on, and get over it.

Mupette

Another one for team leave well alone.

You will not be thanked for it

you are being like your ex.

you have a bloke be happy with what you have, the grass isn't greener, leave alone

mazy_m

Hey all thanks so much...

I've not looked at her facebook in ages.....I know it was silly to do that but it was when I was with a friend and she wanted to know what she looked like. This was a little bit after we broke up and ya know what it's like a girlie night in with a laptop near ya!

This basically has came up lately as we were discussing relationships and I was talking about how great my OH is but he's scared about proposals etc ( that's another thread lol!!) So she told me about when she was engaged etc and how controlling her ex was...she's been in a few abusive relationships though...and another friend also confided that she had too so I told them had never said it before in all honesty I didn't see it until I saw how great my OH is and not at all like my ex.. I think I had rose tinted glasses....I told them I felt a bit guilty about not saying to her what he was like as I had a girl warn me about someone before I got with them (but i'd already seen what a selfish pig he was!) Also while I was with my ex one of the girls contacted me and warned me off him. But as many have pointed out I saw it as jealousy until I broke up with him and found out it was 'half' true.

The girls said it would have been nice to know so it got me thinking more...but they also said they probably wouldn't have believed it.

I am over him don't worry about that in I looked at her FB the last time out of curiosity to see if she looked ok as the first time i'd ever looked with a friend I was actually shocked at the amount of weight she'd lost and she really didn't need to lose any.

I'm just concerned and strangely feel like I should be protective as lately many friends and girls I know have confided in me about being in abusive relationships and I just feel like I should be doing something and I feel like a b**** for not saying anything kind of out of spite. I'm not horrible but I feel like perhaps I should have before.

It is too late now and I can how it could be shrugged off or she might think i'm a bit of a weirdo as in truth I thought that about the girl that tried to say it to me.

Thanks so much for your replies all of you. I won't say anything as I don't want to be deemed a weirdo but in future if I feel like I should be honest about something I'll say it.

Maz

mazy_m

advice

Talk to your bf and explain all and ask him what you should do - and I think you know the answer already?

Talk to yourself and ask if you are really over the ex or in your heart of hearts do you miss him and want him still?

Get relationship counselling - 6 years to move on is way too long[/QUOTE]

This is nothing to do with my relationship now. We are solid and secure. Trust me there's nothing I miss about my ex I ended it with him for a reason and because I realised I didn't love him.

I just feel like I should have said something to her in an "us girls should stick together" sort of way. My head has been filled with all the tales of abuse people I know have had etc and I just feel so crap for everyone and helpless!

krlyr

I often try to spin situations around and ask myself how I would feel. So:

mazy_m wrote: »

Also while I was with my ex one of the girls contacted me and warned me off him. But as many have pointed out I saw it as jealousy until I broke up with him and found out it was 'half' true.

Chances are, this is what she'll think too. If he's as manipulative as you've suggested, he could have told her all kinds of lies about you - made you out to be the stalker, pretended you were the one desperate to get back together, etc. which won't help matters.
Did this girl contacting you at the time help you see what was really happening, eventually? Or did it make you feel more like you wanted to stick with the ex to prove a point?

Pollycat

mazy_m wrote: »

This is nothing to do with my relationship now. We are solid and secure. Trust me there's nothing I miss about my ex I ended it with him for a reason and because I realised I didn't love him.

I just feel like I should have said something to her in an "us girls should stick together" sort of way. My head has been filled with all the tales of abuse people I know have had etc and I just feel so crap for everyone and helpless!

"Should have said" - maybe, at the time.

I'm not 100% convinced you should have said anything at all.

I don't subscribe to this "us girls should stick together" principle anyway.

From your first post, this girl was actively trying to get with your now ex at the time you split up.

She obviously didn't have the same "us girls should stick together" idea that you have.

What exactly did you think you owed her at the time and what do you think you owe her now?

Not everybody is abused in relationships and you (after 6 years) have no idea if this woman is even being abused.
I applaud your sympathy for abused people but you can't take everyone's problems on your shoulders.

I'm sorry but I just can't see where you are coming from on this.
i'm glad you've decided not to say anything, you could have ruined what might be a perfectly happy relationship by 6 year old revelations.

Dasa

What on earth makes you think she would take a blind bit of notice of you?

Get on with your own life.

Judith_W

If you're not having regular contact for all you know she's had an illness or stressed and not eating. A couple of FB photos can't be 'proof' he's controlling her weight. Even if he is, what extra info would you be giving her that she hasn't learnt herself in 6 years?? I don't really see what use it would be contacting her now after so long apart from meddling. There was a time where the info may have been useful but that has long passed.

Acc72

Judith_W wrote: »

A couple of FB photos can't be 'proof' he's controlling her weight.

Bear in mind that people select what photo's to use online - some use photo's from 20 years ago (when they were younger and slimmer etc. etc.) .....

As with many ladies (not being sexist ....) this person is statistically unlikely to post a photo of herself looking bigger, and more likely to post a photo of herself looking skinny (she might not even look like that now !).

mazy_m

Hi all thanks again for the replies...

Yes when his ex contacted me at first I was like what the and thought she was a bit of a loon and he of course mad out she was nutso!! But her contacting me amongst other stuff did make me see the real him as eventually I managed to get the truth from him about things that happened.

I do feel better now in regards to that photo...I still remember the moment I saw it as it was such a drastic change and I never thought of it in the sense that she could be ill or she wanted that picture up and that she possibly isn't like that in real life...I just remember how he made me feel and I came close to not eating etc coz he made me feel so fat and ugly and tried to make me friendless and feel guilty if I went out. Until I realised I was not one to be manipulated and went the opposite way in fact if he said I looked messy I went out looking like even more of a mess just to prove a point and then just went out with my friends and reconnected with them all it was funny actually.

It's not my business at all she's not my friend and if anything is going on then I hope she has friends that are as fantastic as mine were and thanks you're also right I shouldn't be thinking i'm reponsible for other peoples lives or what they do.

After chatting to you all and gaining some perspective I feel better about it! I think it has just been an emotional year with all the things people have been confiding in me but at least it makes me realise just how lucky I am to have someone to support me through all times and through me when i'm thick and thin!

Cheers again all

Maz