Need Advice...

suki1001

I'm sure your wife would tell a completely different story given the chance. Ok, she might be exactly as you tell. But there are a few things that make me question what you're saying.

First of all you say, she would tell you who you could and couldn't speak to and that she was very controlling, then you say you had lots of friends she didn't know about, she can't have been that controlling. Sounds more to me like you would rather be in the pub moaning about your wife and how awful she was, than sorting it out.

It also sounds to me like she had the children all day, you came home decided it was too stressful, then !!!!!!ed off to the pub.

The worst thing I find is you were only staying with her for the children (apparently you let her know about this) who are only 6 and 8, you don't love her and you aren't prepared to split, so you expect her to say in a loveless marriage with a man who doesn't care about her in the slightest and doesn't give a stuff that the mother of his children is prepared to sell her body and on hindsight thinks maybe it wasn't a good idea that this was being done in the family home where his children are, because you're more bothered about your friendships in the pub.

You had every intention of moving on, making sure you painted your wife out to be a terrible person to female friends who would give you every sympathy, think you are the loveliest person and want to sleep with you. You are a pattern that happens in every single pub in the UK and I think it's horrible.

I find it absolutely cruel that you were prepared to stay with someone you didn't love, the least you could have done was try to work the marriage out, but it seems your soul intention was to make the most of the opportunity you could by nipping out to the pub and grabbing the sympathy vote from everyone (especially female).

This is a harsh post, but I think you need to wake up to what you have been doing too. While I accept that what she's done isn't brilliant, it makes you wonder what drove her to it in the first place.

BJV

There are two sides to every story and your wife sounds like a monster. Totally agree with all the other comments, sort yourself out then get the kids as far away from her a you can.

AbusedDad

suki1001 wrote: »

I'm sure your wife would tell a completely different story given the chance. Ok, she might be exactly as you tell. But there are a few things that make me question what you're saying.

First of all you say, she would tell you who you could and couldn't speak to and that she was very controlling, then you say you had lots of friends she didn't know about, she can't have been that controlling. Sounds more to me like you would rather be in the pub moaning about your wife and how awful she was, than sorting it out.

It also sounds to me like she had the children all day, you came home decided it was too stressful, then !!!!!!ed off to the pub.

The worst thing I find is you were only staying with her for the children (apparently you let her know about this) who are only 6 and 8, you don't love her and you aren't prepared to split, so you expect her to say in a loveless marriage with a man who doesn't care about her in the slightest and doesn't give a stuff that the mother of his children is prepared to sell her body and on hindsight thinks maybe it wasn't a good idea that this was being done in the family home where his children are, because you're more bothered about your friendships in the pub.

You had every intention of moving on, making sure you painted your wife out to be a terrible person to female friends who would give you every sympathy, think you are the loveliest person and want to sleep with you. You are a pattern that happens in every single pub in the UK and I think it's horrible.

I find it absolutely cruel that you were prepared to stay with someone you didn't love, the least you could have done was try to work the marriage out, but it seems your soul intention was to make the most of the opportunity you could by nipping out to the pub and grabbing the sympathy vote from everyone (especially female).

This is a harsh post, but I think you need to wake up to what you have been doing too. While I accept that what she's done isn't brilliant, it makes you wonder what drove her to it in the first place.

She would only let me out to the pub when she has a client coming around, at the time i did not know this, it was only after that i found out. We have been talking for over a year about our relationship and that she even said she did not want me for sex but wanted me to stay in the house, maybe because i paid for everything, maybe for her security or maybe because it was a good cover up for her lies.

I have never spent more than one day away from my children and I do everything i can for my children.

She was only at home for an hour a day with the children as they were at school all day, she would go out shopping, seeing people and making her money!! She chose not to work a normal job, she chose to do eescorting.

AbusedDad

BJV wrote: »

There are two sides to every story and your wife sounds like a monster. Totally agree with all the other comments, sort yourself out then get the kids as far away from her a you can.

I agree there are two sides to every story, the problem is she is not telling her side of the story, she is telling people that I have left her for another woman. She has told no one she was doing escorting and selling herself even though she has made the allegations against me.

I knew she was doing it as she told me, but i did not tell anyone about it. Maybe that was the worst decision. I asked her to stop on many ocassions, but the lies kept coming and with the children being at school all day and me being at work all day, she got up to anything.

I wish i could get the children out of the house, there is plenty of room where i am currently staying and until i sort out the mortgage and the bills i do not have enough money to rent my own house.

Aesop

AbusedDad wrote: »

The questions that I have are;

How do I cope with not being able to see my children whilst she is making it so difficult and whilst waiting for the solicitors?
Can she legally stop me from having them at my new home address?
Can she legally stop my new partner from seeing them?
Is there anyway of reducing my legal costs? Solicitor has quoted me up to £15k for custody rights for the children and another £2k for the divorce.
There is currently £20k negative equity in the house, it was brought as a long term investment. Re mortgaging to buy her out isn't a viable option. I am contemplating bankruptcy. There is already a DMP in place which I am solely paying despite being in joint names for joint marital debts. Does anyone have any advice on the financial side. I don't want to go bankrupt if it is going to jeopardise any of the legal goings on that are happening currently.

And if anyone has any advice or can think of anything else that I should be doing or asking that I happen to have forgot then please feel free to add to it, it would be much appreciated.

If anything doesn't make sense or you need it clarifying then please do ask and I will be happy to do so.

Thank you in advance.

sorry to hear what has happened.

1. It is one of the hardest things to cope with, not being able to see your children. I have no way of telling you how to cope.

Maybe you could write a letter, to each of them, telling them how much you love them, miss them and care about them. Don't discuss your situation in the letter or talk about their mother. Keep it strictly about how much you love your children and how you cannot wait to spend time with them.

2. I don't know if she can legally stop you having them at your new home. Possibly. The best person to answer this is your solicitor.

3. Probably, again you would need to ask your solicitor.

4. You could look around for another solicitor, they may be slightly cheaper.

5. I would probably advise this is not the best time to go bankrupt. It may go against you in the divorce proceedings, again best to speak to your solicitor.

Can't offer much more advice, apart from it is going to get messy, so be prepared to be strong for your children. remember they wo't understand why all this is happening and they will think it is their fault.

Not sure if your solicitor can arrange some kind of court order temporarily that means your wife has to arrange for you to see the children in a neutral place, like a children's centre, through your solicitor so you do not need to talk to her.

And I would suggest not taking your new partner along to meet the children with. They are already in a difficult situation not understanding what is happening, why you are not there anymore, it will not help saying by the way here is my new partner. That can be arranged later, when things have been sorted out and settled down.

not sure if this will be much more help

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Good luck.

AbusedDad

Aesop wrote: »

Can't offer much more advice, apart from it is going to get messy, so be prepared to be strong for your children. remember they wo't understand why all this is happening and they will think it is their fault.

Not sure if your solicitor can arrange some kind of court order temporarily that means your wife has to arrange for you to see the children in a neutral place, like a children's centre, through your solicitor so you do not need to talk to her.

And I would suggest not taking your new partner along to meet the children with. They are already in a difficult situation not understanding what is happening, why you are not there anymore, it will not help saying by the way here is my new partner. That can be arranged later, when things have been sorted out and settled down.

not sure if this will be much more help

Good luck.

Thank you, I do understand that this is going to be hard and very messy, i have good days and bad days, just hope the good days start to outweigh the bad days very soon.

Another mutual friend has tried to arrange neutral place access but the wife has just turned it flat down. The children know of my new partner as the wife was more than happy to pass the children to her when she was busy or had somewhere to go while I was at work, this said i had no intention of taking my new partner with me. My children are my main priority right now.

burnoutbabe

i don't quite get how you can be spoken to about forced prostitution and not allowed to contact your wife, but she, who one assumes should also be charged, is allowed to keep the kids with her?

why can't you go for a custody order and have her chucked out of the house? especially if she is bringing clients back to it when the kids are there, no court would allow that sort of person to have custody??

suki1001

AbusedDad wrote: »

She would only let me out to the pub when she has a client coming around, at the time i did not know this, it was only after that i found out. We have been talking for over a year about our relationship and that she even said she did not want me for sex but wanted me to stay in the house, maybe because i paid for everything, maybe for her security or maybe because it was a good cover up for her lies.

I have never spent more than one day away from my children and I do everything i can for my children.

She was only at home for an hour a day with the children as they were at school all day, she would go out shopping, seeing people and making her money!! She chose not to work a normal job, she chose to do eescorting.

Ok, thank you for not taking my post the wrong way and flying off the handle at me.

I don't think you're a bad parent, I'm sure you are a good dad, although I think it's not safe if the children live in a house where she's bringing back clients. I'm not making excuses for your wife either, but it's just a rather desperate situation to end up in - escorting, that's incredibly sad she has such little respect for herself.

It does sound like you would take yourself off to the pub if home got stressful. My oh used to think I spent the whole day going out with friends and not doing anything, until he started working from home when mine were a bit older. Interestingly, we see my sister with 2 young children and her husband thinks she does nothing all day, my husband thinks this is unfair, but this is what he thought when mine were little and he realises he was wrong and a bit harsh to have that opinion.

She could of course be the world's worst wife, but from my experience, you have children and when you live together, unless you talk properly, the accusations come flying. They're not neccessarily true, but when marriage breaks down you see the worst in that person.

I don't know what level I would have to get to to sell my body, but I know life would have to be pretty bad to put this above my family.

Aesop

AbusedDad wrote: »

Thank you, I do understand that this is going to be hard and very messy, i have good days and bad days, just hope the good days start to outweigh the bad days very soon.

Another mutual friend has tried to arrange neutral place access but the wife has just turned it flat down. The children know of my new partner as the wife was more than happy to pass the children to her when she was busy or had somewhere to go while I was at work, this said i had no intention of taking my new partner with me. My children are my main priority right now.

The problem is your wife is not going to listen to neutral/mutual friends.

She needs to be told by someone with more authority ie Court that she has to allow you access to the children, without you having to speak to her to arrange it. Hence breaking your bail conditions.

Speak to your solicitor tomorrow and see if they can arrange for this to happen. And a neutral place like a children's centre if there is one near you would be helpful. It will be good for the kids to have somewhere that has a friendly atmosphere, rather than sitting in a cafe or a sterile room.

Aesop

burnoutbabe wrote: »

i don't quite get how you can be spoken to about forced prostitution and not allowed to contact your wife, but she, who one assumes should also be charged, is allowed to keep the kids with her?

why can't you go for a custody order and have her chucked out of the house? especially if she is bringing clients back to it when the kids are there, no court would allow that sort of person to have custody??

I think as she is the one who went to the Police and made a charge against AbusedDad that he allegedly forced her into prostitution, they will allow the children to stay with her.

It will be upto the police and the prosecution to prove that she started the prostitution and I am not sure with a pending case, if the courts would agree it was definitely happening.

But as I suggested to arrange visitation rights, speak to your solicitor.