Parents helping out financially, your thoughts?

Turtle

I have a brother in his early 40's, he is married but my parents have bailed him out financially several times. To be fair to him he has been much better in recent years, but lives week to week. He has improved as his wife (who is half his age incidentally) is good at budgeting and making their money last. I'm in my mid 30's and my parents gave me £1000 at the start of each uni year, I split this up into £30 spends a week and managed without taking out any loans. I worked in the uni holidays to top this up. They also gave me £1000 at graduation which I used to buy a car to travel to work in my new job. If I had to guess I'd say the sums we've been given are similar, though for very different reasons. I couldn't imagine it would happen, but if my parents left everything to my brother to help him and nothing to me as I'm perfectly capable of standing on my own two feet, if I'm entirely honest (and appreciate it's theirs to do what they want with) I'd be pretty hacked off.

big5

FATBALLZ wrote: »

In general you should try to give them equal amounts of money (if you want to give any of them anything) over the long term. Giving more to one or more children because they are lazy or waste their money is not 'fair', it is just rewarding !!!!lessness, and makes the others wonder why they bothered working hard in the first place.

There are exceptions obviously, for example if you had one child old enough to have bought a house in 1995, and another who was only old enough to buy in 2005, it would be reasonable to give the 2nd a £30k deposit and the first to have had nothing, because the first is probably sat on £100k of unearned equity anyway.

My brother went to uni when student grants still existed, while I started uni the year after tuition fees were introduced. My parents paid the fees, saving me from a huge student loan. I think that's the only time they've given one of us money and not the other.

SingleSue

My parents paid a larger amount for my wedding than they did for my siblings but then they also helped them much more when they moved out from home for the first time - I think they got us a card and some flowers whereas my sister got a TV, a TV license, the deposit for the flat and a van hired for the move and my brother got a van hired for him, beds and some wardrobes, so it has been swings and roundabouts and probably works out at a similar amount.

My parents have also given me interest free loans which I pay back weekly which usually covers getting my car through the MOT, getting the car in the first place and when my computer went bang as they know that the car is essential for me and because of the boys, I cannot access a social life, so the computer is a lifeline for me. These I pay back each week until the debt is repaid without fail.

I also am the main help for them, taking them to the hospital, shopping trips, sorting out dad's attendance allowance, their laptop etc and generally being the unemotional, plain thinking and non panic one when the doodah hits the fan, so my car is not just essential for me to ferry the boys to school and appointments but also to be able to get down to theirs when an emergency hits or an appointment needs to be attended.

I am the executor of their wills despite not being the eldest child, I think (well I know, they told me), because my parents see me as the sensible one. They know that whatever happens, I will just sort things out without becoming over emotional about everything whereas my siblings can be over emotional and think with their hearts instead of their brains (no bad thing to be honest, I sometimes think I can be too clinical)

Their wills are very fair, everything is to be split 3 ways, so we all receive an equal share.

gallygirl

SingleSue wrote: »

they also helped them much more when they moved out from home for the first time - I think they got us a card and some flowers whereas my sister got a TV, a TV license, the deposit for the flat and a van hired for the move and my brother got a van hired for him, beds and some wardrobes

Maybe they were glad to see the back of them, have you seen the Dulux advert

Really interesting stories on here, I suppose there are more financially savvy people on here who need less help? Even if they have no money- better organised and sensible I suppose?

When my marriage broke up I accepted help from my parents but saw how easy it would be to run to them all the time. I then became very independent and refused future offers. Towards the end of my dad's life when I was invited to a posh event he insised on buying my shoes etc. As I traipsed up & down the hospital ward showing them off he was so chuffed I wished I hadn't said no so often - as an only child I would inherit it all anyway. So then when mum offered me money I took it , but kept it separate as I thought the time would come when she needed it back, which in the end didn't happen.

Peanuckle

My parents have always helped each of use out when we need it whether it's an interest free loan for example one for me when my hubby was on SSP for 3 months and our savings were exhausted and one for my eldest brother when he was starting up after his divorce (and paying a hefty support to his ex-wife as well as her mortgage) and he needed a lump sum as a deposit. We always pay them back as quickly as possible though. Or in a non-financial sense, for example they did a lot of running around for and looking after my niece and nephew when they were younger to help my brother out during a tough time that lasted a few years.

A few times they have given a cash sum as a gift such as when an investment account paid out and shared that equally. Also one brother celebrated his silver wedding and was given a cheque as a present, my parents discussed it and decided that, since they can't be sure they'll be around for me and the other brother reaching that milestone, that they'd give us the same amount now as well. It wasn't requested or expected and we both said that but we were told that it was their decision and neither of us would offend them by refusing. I know they have said they prefer to give us money now that we can enjoy it rather than have us inherit it and have the enjoyment soured by grief.

I think that that parents have a responsibility to not only treat children equally, ie not favour one over another but help each as and when they need it if possible, but also to bring their children up knowing that they are all loved equally and not create that "he gets more than me" mentality in the first place.
hmmmm that made sense in my head but hopefully someone else can follow it? :rotfl:

SingleSue

gallygirl wrote: »

Maybe they were glad to see the back of them, have you seen the Dulux advert

Really interesting stories on here, I suppose there are more financially savvy people on here who need less help? Even if they have no money- better organised and sensible I suppose?

When my marriage broke up I accepted help from my parents but saw how easy it would be to run to them all the time. I then became very independent and refused future offers. Towards the end of my dad's life when I was invited to a posh event he insised on buying my shoes etc. As I traipsed up & down the hospital ward showing them off he was so chuffed I wished I hadn't said no so often - as an only child I would inherit it all anyway. So then when mum offered me money I took it , but kept it separate as I thought the time would come when she needed it back, which in the end didn't happen.

I know they celebrated when my older brother left (I left first, then my younger sister and then the eldest son)....but after the initial happiness at finally having the house to themselves, mum felt lonely as dad was at work all day. Guess who she rang to keep her company? Yep me and it started a routine that still continues to this day.

I don't like taking money from them and when me and my husband were together, would never have dreamed of asking for a loan but times change and they would prefer I ask and have less stress (dad gets stressed on my behalf!) worrying over how I am going to get the boys to school or the slowness of getting to them without the car in an emergency. So it is easier to just take the loan, not just on me but also for dad's health as he stresses so much and struggles to sleep as he lays awake worrying.

We are not talking major amounts of money here, the car itself cost £461 5 years ago and the annual MOT is usually around the £200 mark and every single penny is paid back in a very decent amount of time.

Mind you, it has become a complete nightmare going on a shopping trip with him, you can't express an interest in anything without him offering to buy it for you...with the resultant child like tantrum or teenage moodiness when you turn him down, we're scared to say anything nice about any product or item of clothing now and that includes my mum!

They do help my other siblings but have had more success with getting loans back from me.

JC9297

Peanuckle wrote: »

I think that that parents have a responsibility to not only treat children equally, ie not favour one over another but help each as and when they need it if possible, but also to bring their children up knowing that they are all loved equally and not create that "he gets more than me" mentality in the first place.
hmmmm that made sense in my head but hopefully someone else can follow it? :rotfl:

But parents aren't responsible for their children once they are adults, they are equals then- not dependants.

Savvy_Sue

zepsgal wrote: »

No, gifts should be just that, a gift. From one person to another, to help that person, nothing else x

gallygirl wrote: »

Apart from that, I will lend them money, but they must (and do) pay it back.

I think the key thing is for parents to be crystal clear about whether it's a gift or a loan, and whichever it is, to give it freely or not at all.

My dear mother would lend money if asked, but only for what she considered a 'sensible' reason. I've no problem with that, but because she would then hold it over my head and give me a hard time about it, and bring it up on every possible occasion regardless of whether or not I was paying it back as agreed, it would be a long time before I'd ask.

We were also given some money a few years ago, but had to say what we'd use it for before we could have it, because she didn't want it to go on anything frivolous.

I know she doesn't treat her grandchildren 'fairly' either (because she's told me, only I'm not supposed to tell my siblings, although I don't think mine are the 'favourites').

I find it frustrating, but nothing will change.

Dasa

Do you think all children should be treated equally even if some treat their parents well and others don't?

Pee

My parents think that financial help equals a say in what you do, where you go and who you see. I think if it comes with such strings, and maybe even if it didn't, that I can manage perfectly well on my own. I think they feel that they lose out from this arrangement with me being so independent - Mum says this like it is a bad thing.

My sister lives at home and they buy her car so they choose what car she drives... I couldn't deal with that. (They will always make sure it is reliable and probably economical, but wouldn't let matters of colour sway them, which is important to me.)

My grandparents were pretty generous to my Mum, albeit that came with the same expectations that she would do as she was told.

I suppose I'd be pretty annoyed if I gave money to someone and they spent it in a way that I felt was wasting it, so that makes perfect sense, but I do feel we only live once and I would like to see the world, etc.

If you do it yourself, the sense of acheivement is much greater.