Parents helping out financially, your thoughts?

VfM4meplse

I think the key is to give when it is affordable for the parents, but is really needed by their children - such as university costs, the deposit for a first home etc, anything to give them a good start in life. I really don't believe in hoarding money and not enjoying it when you need to - bequeathing is too expensive, I would be reluctant to accumulate funds that exceeded the IHT, even if it meant selling up, moving into rented accomodation and gifting as much as possible. Let money provide pleasure whilst you're alive.

**Patty**

I live this

My step-brother and I (his Dad & my Mum are married) both bought houses at round about the same time.

His Dad cashed in all his personal savings (around £25k) and gave it to my step-brother as a gift towards a deposit for his house.

I was then told that i would get *my share* upon the death of my Mum and my step-Dad as they now needed her savings to live on.

It's their money......i have no recourse as to whatever they jointly decide to do with it. The only thing it has taught me is to make sure i never treat my children the same way.:o

thorsoak

FATBALLZ wrote: »

The point in the bit you've highlighted is just that houses cost triple in 2005 what they did in 1995, so helping the 2nd child more is fair because buying property for them is so much harder, through no fault of their own.......


QUOTE]

The thing is, back in 1991, when No 1 child was buying their first home, we weren't blessed with a crystal ball, so therefore had no idea as to what house prices would be in 2008, which is when No 4 child was buying first home! Whatever was needed, to top up the deposit for "normal" homes was what we were happy to help with!

JC9297

FATBALLZ wrote: »

Interesting you say you've given yours what they 'needed', I haven't needed or asked for anything from my parents since I left education, but watching them give away money hand over fist to my waster siblings (some of whom are older than me) while I got nothing hasn't done my relationship with them any good (it was already quite crap, to be fair). I'm sure it's worked out fine in your case, but doesn't always.

You see the thing that would annoy me would be my siblings taking advantage and my parents possibly missing out on other things they could spend the money on, not the fact that they hadn't given me anything.

gallygirl

Has anyone read The Millionaire Next Door? It was about American Millionaires and how successful people may be living frugally next door. I found the whole book fascinating, especially the bit about giving money to children. Basically, the opinion seemed to be that money spent on education was worthwhile, as was start up money for a business, and maybe one-off housing help. Apart from that, the more that was given the more financially dependent the children remained.

I could relate to so many of the examples (not that any of my family & friends are millionaires :rotfl:). SIL has given her children everything, though she can't afford it. Result - both are !!!!less & workshy. Exneighbour's mother gave them money to help send kids to private school. Result - seriously in debt because they 'had' to live the lifestyle so their children weren't ashamed so bigger car, house and all school trips etc. Colleague's daughter lives at home rent free while she 'establishes her internet business' - for the past 10 years! She actually had a good idea but didn't bother working hard at it as she didn't 'need' to succeed.

OK, the book was about rich people but I do think the priciples hold (though there will be times you will need to step in as a one-off emergency).

I helped put my 2 through uni, though they had to take loans also. I've given DD a house deposit as that was what my late mum wanted, and DS will get the same. Apart from that, I will lend them money, but they must (and do) pay it back. They need to be self reliant as I intend to retire early and won't be dipping into my savings pot for them.

Having said that, when I visit DD I buy lunch, take a 'food parcel', buy her things for the garden etc, but all v low key and cost. DS will get the same if he ever moves out . And yes, he does pay board. Not much as it's a new job and although his salary is decent he's paying around £300 in travel costs - but as time goes on it will increase.

FATBALLZ

JC9297 wrote: »

You see the thing that would annoy me would be my siblings taking advantage and my parents possibly missing out on other things they could spend the money on, not the fact that they hadn't given me anything.

To clarify, I don't care about the money, in fact if they offered me money I'd say no. It's the favouritism I don't like. Although maybe if it wasn't due to a history of other non-financial favouritism I've been on the wrong end of, *possibly* I might not see it that way.

System

Its alright helping your children financially but it doesnt teach them about overspending or the importance of saving, or even living to their means.

Oh and what happens when the parent isnt around anymore to help financially? What happens when one child is always 'needy' and the other one is 'needy' but doesnt like to ask?

My children know where they stand with money. If i help one child out i have to help the other 4 out too and if i did that i'd never have any money for myself.

I bought up my children to the best of my ability. Fed, clothed them, put (putting) them through college so they can choose a career for themselves so they dont have to lean on me. Sounds heartless maybe but its 'my' time now.

FATBALLZ

gallygirl wrote: »

Has anyone read The Millionaire Next Door? It was about American Millionaires and how successful people may be living frugally next door. I found the whole book fascinating, especially the bit about giving money to children. Basically, the opinion seemed to be that money spent on education was worthwhile, as was start up money for a business, and maybe one-off housing help. Apart from that, the more that was given the more financially dependent the children remained.

Not read it but I'd certainly go along with that opinion. One thing I am glad about as a result of being the one child who doesn't get money thrown at them is that I'm independant, have always paid my own way, and rely on no-one. My siblings, in about 30 years worth of total working age-ness between them, have probably completed about 2 years worth of work in that time, and always run back for handouts.

Unfortunately they'll probably bully my parents into handing over their entire and fairly substantial wealth in their will and will never get their comeuppance.

thorsoak

Actually, I'm just reading it now! I thoroughly concur with the concept ... all of ours were "working" from age 13/14 - from car washing/baby sitting/paper rounds/working in local kennels etc etc etc.

It's dropping through the generations as well - DGD (14) is so pleased with her job in a hairdressers on a Saturday, and DGS and his sister (in a v wealthy town in the USA) are also babysitting - and next year when DGS is 15 and can drive (!!!!) :eek::eek:- he is taking on his neighbour's job as a pizza delivery dude when neighbour goes off to college!

saverholic

Its not that I don't like my parents giving my siblings money (it is theirs to do with as they please), I just don't like that my siblings ACCEPT it.

My brother, for example, earns at least 5 times my parents income but yet has no qualms about cashing cheques my parents send him. It makes me feel a little sick. Its their prerogative to send them and his to cash them but I wish he would use his head about what that cheque actually costs my parents IYSWIM.

On the other extreme I wish they would stop giving my younger sibling money because they are blatantly never going to learn how to stand on their own two feet unless forced to.

I haven't taken money from my parents since I moved out aged 18. As far as I'm concerned I'm a grown woman and I would be bloody embarrassed to be taking money from them, unless it was a once off and I was very desperate. In my eyes they did their job raising me, now its my turn to (a) take care of myself and (b) take care of them should they need it.


Both my siblings also rarely visit unless they are wanting something or if one of our parents is unwell. They have to find out if their inheritance might be due I hope my parents decide to sell up and spend the lot travelling. I would laugh long and hard.



I have just read my post back over and *ouch* hadn't realised how much this was irritating me. I guess I might have to love my siblings, but I don't have to like them!