Parents helping out financially, your thoughts?

Sensible_Jess

Hello All

I was having a discussion with some friends, and the conversation turned to parents who help out their offspring financially.
There were different opinions about the 'best' way of doing this, as it is often a cause for family conflict between parents and siblings.

I was interested in hearing the opinions of the good MSE forumites too....

We talked about a situation where parents have given equal amounts of money to siblings at the same time.
- e.g. when one child was getting married and they wanted to make a contribution to the wedding, so the other child(ren) got the same amount at the same time.
This would mean that the one getting married would perhaps receive a smaller amount than if it was given to them alone. Would it make the gift less 'special' if it was also being given to siblings who were not getting married?

We also talked about giving children money according to need - one might be more in need than another at a particular time

- e.g. to find a deposit for a house, when the siblings already have house(s) of their own. Or the example above where one is getting married.
This seemed to cause the most discussion with some saying that it would be unfair to help one and not all. They also brought up 'favouritism' within a family. Some said that the one who needed the money most should benefit as the others were already on the housing ladder.

What do others think? Any have direct experience of how this can be done without causing family conflict? Or is it an impossible task, with disagreements whatever route is chosen?

Should the parents just spend all their money on themselves?


S-J

JC9297

If parents choose to help one of their children out financially for whatever reason it has nothing to do with their other children whatsoever. The money belongs to the parents and it is theirs to spend however they wish.
I think it is ridiculous that a parent who chooses to contribute to a son or daughter's wedding should be expected to give some money to the siblings as well, so they don't feel left out or so that it is "fair". We are talking about adults here, not six year olds.

SandC

I don't think there is a right answer that would suit every family. I do think it should be done equally or not at all though. Having said that, you can easily have siblings where one goes down a route of a career that might be fulfilling but low paid and another is on a very high salary. If I were the parent I would still offer gifts to both in terms of housing etc.

This is all presuming that the parents have the money to do so of course!

I don't think that a gift should necessarily be given to both (or more) at the same time, but when it is required for the particular occasion. It makes no sense for a wedding cash gift or payment towards the ceremony (or the whole lot if that's how they are doing things) to be given to a child who isn't getting married yet and may never do so!

Mine have always tried to be very equal. But then unfortunately my dad got sick before his retirement and was retired on ill health but was too sick to spend any of the money they had saved up over the years on the travel and cars etc they would have. I don't know if anything was given to my bro when he got married, and I've never married so....

We've both been helped out (never anything we couldn't have funded ourselves but we are told 'it will be yours one day anyway so you might as well have some when it's needed') on big thing as and when they happen. We are grateful and realise we are very lucky. But we don't have a hugely different lifestyle and we have similar size/value houses as well.

thorsoak

We've helped all of ours get on the property ladder - wrongly in the eyes of many who believe that the "baby boomers" are responsible for the mess that the country is now in - because we remortgaged or changed mortgage companies at times when 3 of our 4 children were about to step on the housing ladder, and gave each of them a sum large enough to help with deposit/legal fees. No 4 got his help when we sold up and downsized.

As there is a difference of 10 years between the ages of 1st and last, it would be ridiculous to have given them all the money at the same time ...and of course, the amounts differed.

We've noted this though, and in our wills (my will now) it states the amount that each of them received and should they not have repaid by the time of my death, that amount will be taken off their share of my estate. They all know this, they know that they're not expected to repay what was given to them - but this clause was inserted on the advice of a very old, very experienced lawyer friend who said, in his experience, it diminished arguments between siblings after death - because No 1 would have received less than No 4, but would have had it for longer .....iyswim!!

When my dear OH died so suddenly last year, we had arguments from the other side - they all wanted to pay for his funeral! In the end, I accepted contributions from all of them, as it was a family affair.

We called it Team Family.

Molly41

We have helped my eldest son but we have made a note of how much and have similar amounts to allocate to our other children, as and when.

MummyOfTwo

well as the grown-up offspring of a large stepfamily (dad remarried to a woman with four of her own, but we are all adults) i would just say IF you are going to do it - do it equally and fairly. ive never had money from my dad and nor would i accept it, but the others have had money for weddings, debt paying etc. i know my father respects the fact that i am independant, it still annoys me that the others dont have to be because they always have the option of a bail out!

POPPYOSCAR

Sensible_Jess wrote: »

Hello All

I was having a discussion with some friends, and the conversation turned to parents who help out their offspring financially.
There were different opinions about the 'best' way of doing this, as it is often a cause for family conflict between parents and siblings.

I was interested in hearing the opinions of the good MSE forumites too....

We talked about a situation where parents have given equal amounts of money to siblings at the same time.
- e.g. when one child was getting married and they wanted to make a contribution to the wedding, so the other child(ren) got the same amount at the same time.
This would mean that the one getting married would perhaps receive a smaller amount than if it was given to them alone. Would it make the gift less 'special' if it was also being given to siblings who were not getting married?

We also talked about giving children money according to need - one might be more in need than another at a particular time

- e.g. to find a deposit for a house, when the siblings already have house(s) of their own. Or the example above where one is getting married.
This seemed to cause the most discussion with some saying that it would be unfair to help one and not all. They also brought up 'favouritism' within a family. Some said that the one who needed the money most should benefit as the others were already on the housing ladder.

What do others think? Any have direct experience of how this can be done without causing family conflict? Or is it an impossible task, with disagreements whatever route is chosen?

Should the parents just spend all their money on themselves? ;)


S-J

Yes, if that is what they want to do!

ButterflyKisses

My family seem to have a lot of anxiety about helping my sister financially and not me but I really don't care. She has two small children, a mortgage, and quite a bit of debt. Her husband has been in and out of work as well, like many other people. My partner and I work a lot of hours, but have steady jobs and we rent, so have the option of downsizing if need be. We have no debt and our only dependent is a cat.

I know my Mum has paid my sister's mortgage for her a few times, given money towards a new boiler, a new(er) car etc. but as far as I'm concerned she needs it more than me and if Mum wants to use her money to help my sister that's great. If she gave me the same every time it'd only be sat in my savings so Mum might as well be making use of it herself!

I think it depends very much on the dynamics of the family involved. If it were the other way round for example, I know my sister would view it as a major slight. I guess the figures involved matter too. If my family were rich and gave my sister £500k and me nothing I might be a bit miffed!

nearlyrich

We have given interest free loans to our children for car purchase and to help pay for rennovations to DD's house I have allocated some money for each of them that they don't have to pay back and I funded them through uni as far as they wanted to go.

I decide how I spend my money and I don't really care what other people think, since they left full time education they have both worked and been self sufficient and they worked through 6th form and uni to contribute to their spending money. I know people with kids in mid 20s who are still dependent on their parents and some of these kids have big expectations...

clairec79

I don't think treating your children fairly means treating them the same.

My parents do treat my brother and I equally that doesn't mean that when they've brought something for me they'd give him the cash equilivant and vice versa, for example when I first moved out I didn't have a car and quite often they'd take me food shopping, occasionally my dad would insist on paying I doubt he went home and gave my brother the money (at that point he was living at home) - I expect when my brother first moved out they did similar.

When my nephew died I know my parents helped with paying for his headstone, I didn't get the equilivant and wouldn't expect it - however I know that should I need them to help me with something in the future they would

seven-day-weekend

We helped our son by giving him a sizeable deposit so that his mortgage was affordable. I'm glad to say we only have one as we couldn't afford to give the same amount to another!