Loaned My Brother and His Wife £4000 to get married

Elvisia

It's really hard, I am in a similar position with ill parents and a sibling who takes the p*ss.

I would suggest:

1) You are the main person in your life, and the most important. So the money you earn is for you, not anyone else. They have to learn to sort out their own lives, even your parents, and I know this is super difficult.
2) Ask to see your brother formally and apologise for the text, say you were under a lot of stress and you shouldn't have sent that. Even if you don't believe it. Then ask for a formal payment system for the money. Try to disregard what they're spending money on, just ask for your £xxx amount a month, because it'll drive you insane otherwise if you keep totting up what they are spending.
3) Once you've done that, delete them off Facebook so you can't see what they're saying, and they can't see what you're doing
4) Enjoy your houseboat and your life! You can take control of this, you need to stop enabling their behaviour, by lending them money you're letting them continue to do this.

I know how hard it is with very seriously ill parents but they need to sort that themselves. It sounds so harsh, but otherwise you'll go nuts, as you found out when you had a nervous breakdown. Work out your plan, get a clear head, and see what brother says. You might find saying "I am sorry, I was in the wrong" goes a long way with him. The main thing you want from him is the money back, even if it means saying things you don't believe! With my sibling I told him in simple terms what was happening, rather than bringing emotion into the situation (and wanting to head butt him when he started to make things out to be my fault).

Good luck with it all.

loopy136

Really sorry your family took advantage of your good nature.
Not everyone is good with money and it sounds like this has been the case for quite a while in regards to your brother and SIL.
They had very little chance of being able to pay the money back, as you mentioned they earnt very little, getting benefits and had 5 children to pay for.

If they wanted to get married they shoud have done it in a way they could afford, it would have meant the same whereever the vows were taken. If they couldn't afford it then they shouldn't have had it, I have been to many weddings, some on a tight budget and some more flashy. The atmosphere was great at all of them, whether it was at a country manor or a registry office.

Back on the subject.. I would go back calm and explain that a payment plan needs putting in place, and that the money will be re-payed. It could go wrong if you get angry.. losing all chance.
If they have never been good with money they may be looking for a good reason not to pay it back.

Look after your health as it sounds like their is alot of bitterness between you both,
wish you luck.

27col

Quote: "If they have never been good with money they may be looking for a reason not to pay it back"
What's the chances of that being the case. Oh!.I know, 100%.

jfh7gwa

So basically this is a family where everyone's in each other's pockets.

There seems to be no distinction between "I've earned this money/taken on this debt, therefore it's mine to spend/pay back".

If there's no personal responsibility maintained, by anyone, across the whole fragmented lot of you... it's no wonder these two don't have a shred of guilt for not paying you back, it seems.

Someone else mentioned the words "car crash family" - that's a bit harsh, but is basically a good comparison. It's no wonder this sort of unhealthy family relationship would end with promises being broken and someone being banned from seeing their brother/his children.

OP: there have already been some good suggestions on how to handle trying to get the money back. However, if you don't, take this as a very good life lesson that came with a 4 grand price tag.

Your 4 grand didn't buy you anything you can touch or taste, but it is a valuable lesson to purchase all the same (even if you didn't realise you were in the market for buying it).

Frogfish

OP you have fallen into the same trap as me and my parents, which is not being able to stop yourself from "saving" your family members when they are in a mess entirely of their own making.

Take me - just before my sibling was due to complete on their house, and I mean literally a couple of days before, I got a frantic phone call, they needed a few hundred quid to pay the solicitor, they had no-one else to borrow off, they were desperate, they'd pay me back etc.

I had an account I was due to close, having switched banks. It still had an overdraft on it. So I took the money out of the overdraft, and gave it to them.

It took them years to pay me back. I still remember my horror at going round, finding a shiny new TV in the kitchen, and thinking, "But you still owe me!"

With hindsight, I should have said no. I don't have the money. You wanted to buy the house, you were grown up enough to do that, you knew you were going to have to pay the solicitor, and you should have been ready. Not crying to me at the last minute. Tough, go sell stuff. Sell yourself. Do whatever it takes.

But I didn't. And neither did our parents, who have "lent" them now tens of thousands of pounds. They are going on holiday soon. Somehow they can always find the money for things they "want," but have to borrow to pay for the things they "need," like when they had to borrow money to pay a bill the other week.

So, while my personal opinion would be to cut this pair of users out of your life and have nothing further to do with them, ever, I do know it's not that simple.

If you want to maintain the relationship, I would just write off the debt. You have to. You won't get it back. You already know this. Suck it up, and if they ever ask you for money again, refuse. If they turn against you, you'll know what they're really like.

If you don't want to maintain the relationship, you will lose the money anyway, so I guess it comes down to what you prioritise. They sound like awful people, but then so does my sibling written down in black and white. And I, of course, don't hate them.

I wish you the best of luck, I really do. It sounds as if they are all holding you back, and you need to think of yourself for once.

kuohu

It's like a Jeremy Kyle episode.

ViolaLass

What I don't get is that at the beginning, they told you they needed the money because they couldn't afford to pay their debts etc, so how were they going to pay you back?

jfh7gwa

leah-is-here wrote: »

as the wedding date neared , they realised they didn't have enough money

Our parents ... at the time were already struggling and had been for a long time

I could extend a previous £10000 loan I had back to 5 years

they were unable to do so as they already couldn't pay their own bills etc and had maxed out their cards and opportunities by living like they could afford things

I agreed to loan them £4000

I also loaned my parents £1000

I decided the lump sums would go straight to my parents to help them

and buy half of my Dad's Mother's house and move in with her , to clear their debts and get all the worries off their minds and chests

my parents were crumbling under their own stresses and Dad became ill , I left my job to help him at work and help them get their house on the market quicker

after the company who dealt with it took their share I was left with £5000 … by now behind with my own finances , I paid off some debts

I gave my parents £2000 of it as with Dad being ill and work drying up things were only getting worse for them

and his wife- decided to move from their £900 per month rental property , to a bigger £1300 a month property

me and my mum drove to pick up concert tickets for my brother and his wife taking us 2 hours , my brother gave me £10 , which it cost me in petrol to pick up the tickets

A couple of weeks ago my brothers own PPI payout came through and was approximately £3500 (that's if we were told the truth about it's value) and they told my parents they could only give them £1000 due to their own debts needed paying … and so gave my folks £1000 which instantly went on debts of theirs .

we are still trying to finish the house off with no physical or financial help from my brother and his wife and the car needed moving to aid finishing off the front garden

I wanted to expand on my "living in each other's pockets" comment, because having re-read the post, it strikes me as abnormal that you even know this much detail about each other's finances. Never mind that there's loans going around left, right and centre.

Not only do you come from a family which appears to enable its members to manage their finances poorly, it seems absolutely endemic. And the first thing you need to sort out isn't getting your 4 grand back (although I realise it's a pressing concern), it's to separate out your finances from the lot of them.

I have no idea how much my siblings earn. I don't know if they're in debt. I don't know what their savings are. (Beyond a rough guess based on various external signs.) It would be crass to ask. There's a line regarding certain topics that most people stick by, but your family doesn't appear to have recognised it - which is slightly weird, it's almost like knowing details about something which is (usually) considered quite intimate, private information between couples.

My parents certainly don't know how much is coming in or going out of my household. Of course I could go to them if I was struggling, and they'd think about helping me out if they could, but... this level of loans flying back and forth is a shockingly sad role model where children are involved - too much money mismanagement that it's no wonder you too are in debt, OP.

And that separation scenario is what you need to start enforcing, because otherwise you're going to have the rest of your life lived as though your family's financial commitments are your financial commitments, and what you earn is somehow earmarked with partial rights for them. It's not. We're all adults here - the fruit of your labour (or lack of it) is each of our own responsibilities.

Put it this way - if you got a new job, and you decided not to share the details of how much you were earning or spending on things, would your family comment? (Most families would not. It's private information which is perfectly reasonably kept to oneself.)

chris-j

Sell the houseboat, the car that's been in the drive for three years and everyone move into grans house. Since no-one seems to have a regular job the taxpayer will end up funding you all anyway.
It's the five kids I feel sorry for because their adult role models are shocking.

barbarawright

I doubt the OP will return but my suspicion is that the brother (who seems to have started off paying the loan though the post is rather confusing) may have got a little fed up at constantly being told how selfless and self-sacrificing the OP is all the time. There does seem to be an element of wanting martyrdom there though it doesn't excuse the non-payment.