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Loaned My Brother and His Wife £4000 to get married
leah-is-here
Posts: 1 Newbie
in Loans
I write this letter with a very sick feeling in my stomach ...
Last year my Brother and his Fiance planned to get married , but as the wedding date neared , they realised they didn't have enough money . When they first announced they were to marry , I kind of knew they wouldn't be able to afford it , as they were claiming many benefits , neither of them had a decent job and they have 5 kids ...
If they cancelled the wedding they'd have lost £1000 deposit on the wedding venue , which they organised for 200 guests (ridiculous considering their lack of wealth)
Our parents who are very hardworking and generous people , hadn't had much luck themselves since the onset of the recession in 2008 and at the time were already struggling and had been for a long while , as well as I was until I got a job at a call centre early 2011 ...
I had recently worked out I could extend a previous £10000 loan I had back to 5 years (which I had just over 2 years left to pay off) by doing this I freed up £5200 to use for myself … to finish off my houseboat (that I own outright) and finally get out of my parents house and out of their hair …
My brother and his Fiance begged me to get a loan for them , because they were unable to do so as they already couldn't pay their own bills etc and had maxed out their cards and opportunities by living like they could afford things ... I said no of course as I had just extended a previous loan and would be unable to do so even if I wanted to as you can't legally borrow money for someone else … So they begged me to loan them some of the money I had just re-borrowed .
So instead of using the money as I originally intended ...
I agreed to loan them £4000 (at great sacrifice from myself considering I really needed the money to help myself out) I also loaned my parents £1000 (as things were getting desperate for them) and kept £200 ... the loan repayments were then divided 50% to me , 40% to my brother and his wife to be , and 10% to my parents (I would have given rather than loaned my parents the £1000 but I myself was in a poorly paid job at the time and awaiting a large PPI payout)
with the repayments divided as such , I was still going to be repaying £960 more than I would have if I hadn't extended the loan (more sacrifice on my behalf) and yet not benefitting from the loan extension at all
The agreement went like this ... My brother and his wife to be , would set up direct debit to pay their monthly share so they could not miss repayment , as well as - so I would not have to chase them up or collect the money and pay it into the bank myself .
Their loan repayments would never be involved with any other moneys to do with me or my parents and certainly would never be borrowed off of me or my parents ... they guaranteed they could at very least repay their share of the monthly repayments and would never ever be late for or miss a repayment .
They also said they would definitely be able to repay the entire amount in less than 6 months and certainly within a year , by paying off lump sums along the way .
This was agreeable to me , as I decided the lump sums would go straight to my parents to help them get their house on the market as they really needed to sell up and buy half of my Dad's Mother's house and move in with her , to clear their debts and get all the worries off their minds and chests . at which point they'd give me the money back so I could then finish my houseboat
My brother and his wife knew the many sacrifices I had made by loaning them the money , as well as the terms we agreed to - and that our Parents would be benefitting from the lump sums .
So they got married in August … (No thank you card , bunch of flowers , invite for dinner or any form of appreciation came my way)
They didn't set up direct debit , they didn't even pay the money into the bank themselves or bring the money to me … I , or my Mum had to collect it from them and pay it into the bank . They also involved other things with this money as they promised they wouldn't .
By the end of October my parents were crumbling under their own stresses and Dad became ill , I left my job to help him at work and help them get their house on the market quicker , and then 2 weeks later he was nearly dead in hospital … fortunately he didn't die and slowly started to recover … I took over his work … 2 weeks after Dad nearly dying , his own Mum was in hospital having been diagnosed with bowel cancer and fast tracked into hospital … she also nearly died but thankfully recovered quickly .
End of November , my PPI claim I had waited for for 2 years came through and after the company who dealt with it took their share I was left with £5000 … by now behind with my own finances , I paid off some debts and I managed to use some of it to buy a cheap car and some things for my houseboat … I gave my parents £2000 of it as with Dad being ill and work drying up things were only getting worse for them - and by now were having to come to agreements with the bank etc for their own debts …
In December (while my dad was still ill and work was even more scarce and now with me without a job to fall back on) … My brother (whom now had a decent job again) and his wife- decided to move from their £900 per month rental property , to a bigger £1300 a month property , they were also able to find £1000 deposit to put down , they arranged and finalised this and moved into their new home at the beginning of January (even though they knew that he would have a 6 week period of no work from mid january til end of february) , with my parents and I helping them move in even though both of them were ill and I was mid breakdown (my parents and I were always doing things for them with nothing expected in return other than respect and appreciation and never even getting that)
At this stage sick with worry about my parents and my own situation I had a nervous breakdown (from which I am still recovering) God knows how my parents haven't had breakdowns themselves , but I guess their stress is coming out as illness as they are both not well at the moment and haven't been for a long time now …
My brother and his wife were still only paying their share of my extended loan , and we still had to pick it up and pay it in to the bank ourselves .
No lump sums had been paid at all and then they started being late for payments , expecting my parents to bail them out until they could pay
then one day I flipped out and had a go at my brother by text (i was harsh and angry and even said his wife better not get a new computer as she was planning) my folks were relying on the money they were supposed to have paid back and they had neglected all their promises they had made … also pointing out the countless many selfless things we constantly did for them over the years .
I flipped because (as often was the case we were doing favours for them) … the previous day my dad walked my brothers little girl to school taking an hour , and me and my mum drove to pick up concert tickets for my brother and his wife taking us 2 hours , my brother gave me £10 , which it cost me in petrol to pick up the tickets , then the next day he wouldn't cycle past my parents house on his way to work to give us some money that he owed to a friend of his , which i was going to drop off for him … I then learned they were not going to be able to pay on time for the 3rd month in a row relying on my parents to pay it for them … at which point I snapped and texted him ...
He showed his wife the texts and although they then finally set up direct debit to pay their £90 a month , she has since completely disowned me and I am now not allowed round to see the children or my brother , the one time I did pop in she was nowhere to be seen … she also swore on their youngest child's life she remembers none of the promises they made , saying if the loan was under those terms she would never have agreed to it . Completely turning a super special thing I did for them into a pile of crap !!!
A couple of weeks ago my brothers own PPI payout came through and was approximately £3500 (that's if we were told the truth about it's value) and they told my parents they could only give them £1000 due to their own debts needed paying … and so gave my folks £1000 which instantly went on debts of theirs .
Then this weekend just gone , my parents had asked my brother to move his car that had been on their driveway for 3 years (we are still trying to finish the house off with no physical or financial help from my brother and his wife and the car needed moving to aid finishing off the front garden) … By the way this is a car he refused to sell to help fund their wedding as he could't get what he wanted for it , hence asking me to loan them money …
he reluctantly did so , but only because me and my Dad got everything ready and towed the car for him …
He turned up in a hire car that he had hired for £100 for the weekend saying he was taking the kids out to the zoo for the day ????
I then looked on Facebook and his wife was having a snidey go at me and i again flipped , I texted them saying they take the absolute !!!! and now I wanted the remainder of the money within the next month or I would take them to court … Using the same level of sarcasm as was on her Facebook comments , I replied to them pointing out their failings again and what they had since been doing since I pointed them out last time …
Now they are both really angry with me and neither will speak to me …
My parents and I are ill with stress and have argued with each other about the whole situation for 2 months now and I am lost as to know what to do about this anymore ????
I can't prove I loaned them the money , I paid the money into my parents bank account , as I couldn't pay it into either my brothers or his wifes as most of it would have been eaten up , my Mother then drew out the cash and gave it to them …
What the hell do I do ???
Last year my Brother and his Fiance planned to get married , but as the wedding date neared , they realised they didn't have enough money . When they first announced they were to marry , I kind of knew they wouldn't be able to afford it , as they were claiming many benefits , neither of them had a decent job and they have 5 kids ...
If they cancelled the wedding they'd have lost £1000 deposit on the wedding venue , which they organised for 200 guests (ridiculous considering their lack of wealth)
Our parents who are very hardworking and generous people , hadn't had much luck themselves since the onset of the recession in 2008 and at the time were already struggling and had been for a long while , as well as I was until I got a job at a call centre early 2011 ...
I had recently worked out I could extend a previous £10000 loan I had back to 5 years (which I had just over 2 years left to pay off) by doing this I freed up £5200 to use for myself … to finish off my houseboat (that I own outright) and finally get out of my parents house and out of their hair …
My brother and his Fiance begged me to get a loan for them , because they were unable to do so as they already couldn't pay their own bills etc and had maxed out their cards and opportunities by living like they could afford things ... I said no of course as I had just extended a previous loan and would be unable to do so even if I wanted to as you can't legally borrow money for someone else … So they begged me to loan them some of the money I had just re-borrowed .
So instead of using the money as I originally intended ...
I agreed to loan them £4000 (at great sacrifice from myself considering I really needed the money to help myself out) I also loaned my parents £1000 (as things were getting desperate for them) and kept £200 ... the loan repayments were then divided 50% to me , 40% to my brother and his wife to be , and 10% to my parents (I would have given rather than loaned my parents the £1000 but I myself was in a poorly paid job at the time and awaiting a large PPI payout)
with the repayments divided as such , I was still going to be repaying £960 more than I would have if I hadn't extended the loan (more sacrifice on my behalf) and yet not benefitting from the loan extension at all
The agreement went like this ... My brother and his wife to be , would set up direct debit to pay their monthly share so they could not miss repayment , as well as - so I would not have to chase them up or collect the money and pay it into the bank myself .
Their loan repayments would never be involved with any other moneys to do with me or my parents and certainly would never be borrowed off of me or my parents ... they guaranteed they could at very least repay their share of the monthly repayments and would never ever be late for or miss a repayment .
They also said they would definitely be able to repay the entire amount in less than 6 months and certainly within a year , by paying off lump sums along the way .
This was agreeable to me , as I decided the lump sums would go straight to my parents to help them get their house on the market as they really needed to sell up and buy half of my Dad's Mother's house and move in with her , to clear their debts and get all the worries off their minds and chests . at which point they'd give me the money back so I could then finish my houseboat
My brother and his wife knew the many sacrifices I had made by loaning them the money , as well as the terms we agreed to - and that our Parents would be benefitting from the lump sums .
So they got married in August … (No thank you card , bunch of flowers , invite for dinner or any form of appreciation came my way)
They didn't set up direct debit , they didn't even pay the money into the bank themselves or bring the money to me … I , or my Mum had to collect it from them and pay it into the bank . They also involved other things with this money as they promised they wouldn't .
By the end of October my parents were crumbling under their own stresses and Dad became ill , I left my job to help him at work and help them get their house on the market quicker , and then 2 weeks later he was nearly dead in hospital … fortunately he didn't die and slowly started to recover … I took over his work … 2 weeks after Dad nearly dying , his own Mum was in hospital having been diagnosed with bowel cancer and fast tracked into hospital … she also nearly died but thankfully recovered quickly .
End of November , my PPI claim I had waited for for 2 years came through and after the company who dealt with it took their share I was left with £5000 … by now behind with my own finances , I paid off some debts and I managed to use some of it to buy a cheap car and some things for my houseboat … I gave my parents £2000 of it as with Dad being ill and work drying up things were only getting worse for them - and by now were having to come to agreements with the bank etc for their own debts …
In December (while my dad was still ill and work was even more scarce and now with me without a job to fall back on) … My brother (whom now had a decent job again) and his wife- decided to move from their £900 per month rental property , to a bigger £1300 a month property , they were also able to find £1000 deposit to put down , they arranged and finalised this and moved into their new home at the beginning of January (even though they knew that he would have a 6 week period of no work from mid january til end of february) , with my parents and I helping them move in even though both of them were ill and I was mid breakdown (my parents and I were always doing things for them with nothing expected in return other than respect and appreciation and never even getting that)
At this stage sick with worry about my parents and my own situation I had a nervous breakdown (from which I am still recovering) God knows how my parents haven't had breakdowns themselves , but I guess their stress is coming out as illness as they are both not well at the moment and haven't been for a long time now …
My brother and his wife were still only paying their share of my extended loan , and we still had to pick it up and pay it in to the bank ourselves .
No lump sums had been paid at all and then they started being late for payments , expecting my parents to bail them out until they could pay
then one day I flipped out and had a go at my brother by text (i was harsh and angry and even said his wife better not get a new computer as she was planning) my folks were relying on the money they were supposed to have paid back and they had neglected all their promises they had made … also pointing out the countless many selfless things we constantly did for them over the years .
I flipped because (as often was the case we were doing favours for them) … the previous day my dad walked my brothers little girl to school taking an hour , and me and my mum drove to pick up concert tickets for my brother and his wife taking us 2 hours , my brother gave me £10 , which it cost me in petrol to pick up the tickets , then the next day he wouldn't cycle past my parents house on his way to work to give us some money that he owed to a friend of his , which i was going to drop off for him … I then learned they were not going to be able to pay on time for the 3rd month in a row relying on my parents to pay it for them … at which point I snapped and texted him ...
He showed his wife the texts and although they then finally set up direct debit to pay their £90 a month , she has since completely disowned me and I am now not allowed round to see the children or my brother , the one time I did pop in she was nowhere to be seen … she also swore on their youngest child's life she remembers none of the promises they made , saying if the loan was under those terms she would never have agreed to it . Completely turning a super special thing I did for them into a pile of crap !!!
A couple of weeks ago my brothers own PPI payout came through and was approximately £3500 (that's if we were told the truth about it's value) and they told my parents they could only give them £1000 due to their own debts needed paying … and so gave my folks £1000 which instantly went on debts of theirs .
Then this weekend just gone , my parents had asked my brother to move his car that had been on their driveway for 3 years (we are still trying to finish the house off with no physical or financial help from my brother and his wife and the car needed moving to aid finishing off the front garden) … By the way this is a car he refused to sell to help fund their wedding as he could't get what he wanted for it , hence asking me to loan them money …
he reluctantly did so , but only because me and my Dad got everything ready and towed the car for him …
He turned up in a hire car that he had hired for £100 for the weekend saying he was taking the kids out to the zoo for the day ????
I then looked on Facebook and his wife was having a snidey go at me and i again flipped , I texted them saying they take the absolute !!!! and now I wanted the remainder of the money within the next month or I would take them to court … Using the same level of sarcasm as was on her Facebook comments , I replied to them pointing out their failings again and what they had since been doing since I pointed them out last time …
Now they are both really angry with me and neither will speak to me …
My parents and I are ill with stress and have argued with each other about the whole situation for 2 months now and I am lost as to know what to do about this anymore ????
I can't prove I loaned them the money , I paid the money into my parents bank account , as I couldn't pay it into either my brothers or his wifes as most of it would have been eaten up , my Mother then drew out the cash and gave it to them …
What the hell do I do ???
0
Comments
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Hi,
wow, that's a long post, sorry can't offer any advice.
Looks as though you've been used by brother and wife, whilst doing your best to keep your own head above water and help your parents at the same time.
I hope you get things sorted out.
I see you've got this under 'Loans', which I think is more for folks borrowing, you might get more help and advice here, from folk with similar family problems.
Good luck.0 -
I think you've been treated awfully by your family for so long that it probably appears normal to them!
You need to cut yourself off from them, financially and emotionally before they destroy you - you sound like you have a nice little life and I LOVE the sound of your houseboat!!! Find some decent friends to lean on and forget about these vile people. Just because you share genetics, doesn't mean you have to like and support them!
I don't think you stand a chance of getting the money back, you can't get blood out of a stone after all... Write it off as a VERY costly mistake and remind yourself of it should they attempt to contact you in the future.
Good Luck x0 -
First off, hard as it can sometimes be, I would suggest you don't ever react and lose your rag with your brother and his wife - it only makes them see you as the bad one and gives them an additional excuse to not pay you back.
Methinks the best thing you can do is pull your brother to one side and calmly ask him if he can pay you back any amount each month, however small. If he does, all well and good, if not you'll just have to try and accept the situation. Treat any return as a bonus.
But whatever you do, don't be soft with them again, and leave them to it when the next crisis ensues. We have one in our family, and you get to a point where you realise they will always be 'take, take, take' and show no gratitude whatsoever, and that you have to restrict help where it would only be to your own detriment.“In any moment of decision the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing at all.” - Roosevelt0 -
leah-is-here wrote: »I lent my brother and his wife a load of money and they are dragging their heels over paying it back. They are also acting like complete dicks and are denying the terms of the loan - that I, foolishly, never got in writing.
What the hell do I do ???
Edited your post for you. Personally, I'd tell my brother and his wife that I expected them to pay the money they owe me. Then I would have nothing more to do with them. Delete them from Facebook, block their numbers. Tell your parents that they are a pair of wasters and you never want to hear their names mentioned in your company. If they fail to pay the money back then that is a harsh lesson learned.
Don't lend any more money to anyone. Ever.0 -
Sorry to be harsh but why are you giving your hard earned, much needed money away?
I'm sorry about your parents situation but you are not responsible for them. It would be right to emotionally support them but not get yourself into debt for them.
As for your brother and his wife- they were already in debt when they chose a wedding with 200 guests! and you took out a loan for them?
Lending money to others is madness- including family. Of course your brother can't afford the repayments to you because he and his wife are constantly living beyond their means..this should have been a warning sign to you.
They cannot manage their money and I doubt you will see yours again Sadly you are stuck with the loan repayments. Sorry its a terrible situation but its one of your own making.LBM Nov 10 owing £34,043 - (DMP with Stepchange)
Finally debt free 14/12/12:beer:0 -
Agreed. You do too much, they see you as someone they can use, as you've always let them.
Time to toughen up. Hard as it is. You may have to wave bye-bye to that money, or at least a good portion of it.Bossymoo
Away with the fairies :beer:0 -
Just so you know you didnt have to use a firm to do your PPI claim as you could have done it yourself and not have to pay anyone a cut, its easy to do as you just send a letter off(which i bet all the PPI claim firm did)
You started off well by agreeing to not take the loan out for your brother but you then gave way to loaning them 4k that you were planning to use for yourself eg your houseboat etc.
Im amazed families act like this, friends i kind of expect but i always expected families to be more civilised with regards to money being lent in house.
Surely it occured to you how would they be able to pay it back when your brother wasnt in a decent job etc.0 -
I would personally get heavy handed and probably spend the night using my jumper as a pillow, but that's just me brother or not brother its a pi*s take and disrespected your kindness.0
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You definitely do far too much for them given the fact that they are totally ungrateful!
Legally, you dont have a leg to stand on as its all in your name. If you had gotten some sort of agreement drawn up and they both signed it you may have had a bit of back up but you havent
Also...the thing that puzzled me was when you said "End of November , my PPI claim I had waited for for 2 years came through and after the company who dealt with it took their share I was left with £5000" - why go through a company? The companies take a good percentage. One company approached me and they wanted 42%!0 -
Car crash family.
Never lend to family. 7 of them on benefits at the time of the loan > How on earth did you think they were gonna pay you back.:beer:0
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