Not liking a friends child

JodyBPM

RadoJo wrote: »

It sounds more like you don't like your friend that much - after all she is the one raising this entitled little girl, demanding that you change your plans to suit her and using her child as an excuse to behave rudely, whether she realises it or not. If she is unwilling to set boundaries for her child in your house, allowing things to be broken and damaged, and monopolises your time by indulging her child's clinginess when she visits, then these are all issues that you have with your friend - her child might be where the symptoms manifest themselves, but she isn't really the cause of the problem.

We have a fine time together without any issues in the evenings, without the children.

To be fair to my friend, I think she thinks she is parenting well by always putting her child first, because she had a pretty bad childhood. Unfortunately she's gone so far the other way that her child expects everything to revolve around her, and so as a result is constantly grizzling for attention.

I don't think that my friend realises that other people don't feel about her daughter the way that she does, and don't want to revolve their lives around her.

fluffnutter

JodyBPM wrote: »

We have a fine time together without any issues in the evenings, without the children.

To be fair to my friend, I think she thinks she is parenting well by always putting her child first, because she had a pretty bad childhood. Unfortunately she's gone so far the other way that her child expects everything to revolve around her, and so as a result is constantly grizzling for attention.

I don't think that my friend realises that other people don't feel about her daughter the way that she does, and don't want to revolve their lives around her.

She won't. And, tbh, it's not your job to avow her of this. Let them get on with it. If she wants to spoil her daughter, then that's her look out. You'll do far more harm if you ever mention anything (however well-meaning and tactful) than by keeping out of it and just enjoying adult time with your friend.

RadoJo

londonsurrey wrote: »

I don't think it's the OP's fault. IMHO it would be silly for her to roll over and simply give in to all the demands of the friend without taking sensible steps to mitigate the situation.

The friendship seems to have been going along fine, but people change. And the friend discovering motherhood is a very significant change.

Most of us will have had friends who were perfectly good friends in themselves, until the friend became besotted with someone who was unsavoury/unpleasant/simply jarred with the group.


The friend is in a kind of love affair at the moment, with the child, be it as a doormat mother or pandering to her mini me or simply some other combination that is just unpalatable to the OP.

The OP is not saying that the friendship is cancelled now she's discovered this side to the friend, she's just taking steps to limit her exposure to this side of her friend's life.

I think you may have misunderstood me - I'm not in any way saying that it's the OP's fault, just that the child is a product of her parenting so if the OP doesn't like her, it's more down to not liking the way her friend is raising her rather than actually disliking a small child in her own right.

fluffnutter

RadoJo wrote: »

I think you may have misunderstood me - I'm not in any way saying that it's the OP's fault, just that the child is a product of her parenting so if the OP doesn't like her, it's more down to not liking the way her friend is raising her rather than actually disliking a small child in her own right.

I don't disagree but it can be a little more complicated. My friend who's youngest I don't particularly like has an older boy who's an absolute delight. I'm really happy to spend time with him. It's not necessarily 'child's a pain therefore parent's doing something wrong' because the same parent with, one assumes, almost the same parenting approach can produce wildly different children.

Perhaps this little girl is simply an unpleasant person. There's lots of unpleasant adults in the world - they've got to start somewhere :rotfl:

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

A friend who has 5 kids has one boy who's a spoiled Mummy's boy, a sweet, funny but none too bright girl, a funny, sweet but a bit stroppy little boy and, either side of him, a girl and a boy who are (and always have been) whining, manipulative, spiteful, cruel, vile little !!!!!!. At 4 years old, the girl was deliberately smashing stuff and shouting that her big sister had done it to get her the blame - and when I chipped in that I'd actually seen it happen and the eldest girl didn't do it, the look I got from the child was one of pure malice.


They're all parented the same way. But two are great, I'd love to have them round the place, one probably wouldn't leave his Mum if it wasn't for the fact he's old enough for girlfriends now, and the other two, if they were sold to the circus right now as part of a healthy, balanced diet for the lions, it wouldn't make a jot of difference to me.


There has to be a large part of nature determining personality.

Even my two are completely different and have been since the day they were born. One was an unhappy baby but very compliant and always wanted to make you happy, the other has always been stroppy, argumentative and explosive in her temper. I'm the same person, but they are completely different in personality.




This kid is a pain, OP, her Mum's probably terrified she'll be a bad parent - and she probably desperately wants her kid to be a nice, friendly one, but doesn't know how to deal with the whining for fear of being called a bad parent. She could well be struggling, but scared to say a word. And taking the child with her is better than staying at home allday with nobody to speak to - might even be hoping that interacting with others is the way to get the kid behaving more acceptably.


(And a small child can tell if someone doesn't like them just as much as an older person - so I think we can assume the feeling is mutual here )

ognum

Twenty five years ago my friend had a son who was just as the OP described, I didn't dislike him but recognised him as a difficult child. She has another child and I have two kids.

Move on 25 years, we are still good friends and her difficult son is the most charming young man, he is married and is the best husband anyone would want. Our other children are wonderful but her difficult son is by far the most caring of the three.

Time does pass and things change!

[Deleted User]

Jo jo, as usual your spot on, very articulate and amusing.

I can't add anything as its not necessary!

Good luck OP!

cattie

Just as we can dislike some adults, I think it's quite normal not to take to all children. All parents think their offspring are wonderful, but just because they do is no reason for you to feel guilty that you haven't taken to this child.

Some children are quite endearing and others are not, so I think you are doing the right thing by avoiding being in the company of a child you dislike. I'd do the same.

the_cat

I think it is more of a case of a rude friend than an unappealing child tbh.

Clingy and whiney I agree there is nothing much you can do until they grow out of it. But to allow them to break (or even touch) things which you have said are out of bounds, expect you to switch your arrangements to suit them is just plain rude and should not be tolerated

I would continue to just see her on her own. If she asks why, I would tell her the truth..... not that you don't like her child, but that you find it too difficult to talk to her whilst she is looking after her DD, that the Dd clearly does not enjoy her visits and that you also like your meals at certain times which don't fit in with her family

FBaby

I've been there exact same position, feeling both frustrated that I couldn't really enjoy my friend's presence because of her overindulging attention to her child, experiencing no positive feelings towards the child who showed no interesting aspects of their personality, and feeling slightly morally driven towards the mother who clearly was setting herself for much trouble in later life.

I've learnt that many little whingy attention seeking boring kids turn into lovely amusing, well-behaved children so am less judgemental in my approach (not that I've ever said anything, but somehow, the kid must have felt it) and showing a bit more positivity towards an interesting child is actually having some good effect after some time.

I now also appreciate that if I get together with such friends with their kids, it is not going to be enjoying adult conversation, so lower my expectations of a pleasant get together. I now mix both, arrange some time with them and bratty child and concentrate myself a bit more on the child, whilst also arranging time with mum without kiddy without having to feel guilty or mum feeling that I have no interest in her little darling. Finally, now that my kids are older, I use them to entertain little brats (after all, my kids were brought up to accept frustration from early eage)! My DD is natually brilliant with such child though, and I remind her that the more experience she gets, the earlier she will be able to babysit for pocket money!