Not liking a friends child

JodyBPM

I really, really dislike one of my friends children, and I feel really bad about it - after all she's only little.

But she is massively overindulged, and grizzly and whiney and frankly not remotely pleasant to be around. She never engages with anyone apart from her mum, who she constantly clings on to, whist grizzling. When my friend pops round for a coffee, I basically sit and watch while my friend plays/cajoles/entertains her daughter. It's impossible to have a conversation with her as she's 110% focussed on her daughter - I wonder why she bothered to come round... I've tried to tempt her to play with some toys on the floor etc, but no, all she wants to do is cling to mums leg and whine.

I appreciate that its not the child's fault, its more to do with the parents. I really struggle with the way that they expect everyone to bend over backwards and overindulge their little darling in case she gets upset, doesn't get what she wants etc. I invited them round for a roast a while back, and I was dictated to it *had* to be served at 4pm, because that's when little darling eats dinner. I was so stunned I just did it, so we all (7 of us in total) ate at 4 for that 1 little girls convenience. And then they just ate and ran, as their little darling was getting tired... It's constantly like this, impossible to arrange any plans unless they are 100% focussed on this 1 little girls' routine, putting everyone else out. They are constantly late for things because their little cherub went for her nap late, so got up late etc.(this is a preschooler, not a newborn BTW) They also never ever say no to her, so I'm left having to tidy up after them, having things broken etc, because if she wants, she gets, even when I've said "please don't play with that" etc

I've basically got to the point that I only see my friend in the evenings, away from the children. I'm sure she must be picking up on the fact that I don't enjoy spending family time with her DD, but frankly I wouldn't bend over backwards in that way for my own children, let alone someone else's child who is utterly unengaging, and I don't have any relationship with.

By the way, its not that I don't like children, I have 2 of my own, and many of my other friends have children and I love having them round. It's just this one child. I want to like her, I really do, she's just a little girl, I see that. But how can I build a relationship with a grizzling, snotty child, that clings on her mothers leg and won't so much as say hello to me (despite being a very confident talker), and yet I'm expected to constantly change all my plans for and bend over backwards to please.

I don't want to lose my relationship with my friend, but I really dislike her child, and probably more importantly her parenting style.

fluffnutter

Don't feel bad! I have exactly the same thing with my best friend's youngest (he's 4 and I find him unbearable ).

TBH, I just see her, as you've started doing, in the evenings. I'm not interested in building a relationship with him - he's her child, not mine, and I want her company not his.

Try to separate two issues - what you feel about this child and how you feel when you're expected to change your plans. The first is irrelevant; it's not the law that you have to like every child in the world and you shouldn't feel guilty that you've failed to warm to this one.

However, it's a pain to be messed around and I can see that this would be a source of frustration. But.. if you just make plans in the evening, how often are you let down? Does most of the flakiness revolve around activities that involve her child being there? If so, then just withdraw from these. TBH, she's always going to prioritise her child over you, and this is one battle you're not going to win; how she brings up her children (provided she doesn't wallop them!) is up to her. Friends can be flaky for all sorts of reasons; just lower your expectations a little, enjoy grown-up time with her, and never, ever mention that you think her daughter's a horror!

scooby088

get over it, suppose if your friends were to know you didn't like their children then guess friendship would be over, glad i ain't got any friends like you.

MidLifeCrisis_3

Wow, sounds like they are making a rod for their own back!

I often think I must be odd to not like other people's children - not all of them of course, but certainly the one's that are spoilt whining brats like the girl you mention - so it's nice to know it's normal and that other's do feel the same.

See her on her own when you can and before you know it the kid will be at pre-school or school and you can have quality time with her then. If she comes round in the meantime I'd put all the things away I don't want her playing with or take it off her myself.

MLC

duchy

I had a friend whose child was whiney and sly. He simply wasn't a nice child so I took the "evenings" route too.

heretolearn_2

Sorry OP but your thread made me laugh.

To be honest I have dropped a couple of friends whose kids are bratty/rule the roost/have the whole world revolve around them. It's boring bad parenting and I don't need it inflicted on me, if you let your kids wreck my house/ruin our time with out attempting to parent them, then you won't get another invite. Of course any kid can have the odd meltdown, but if it's the way they are all the time, then bye bye. I can't stand kids like that round me. And I don't feel guilty about it. If you don't want to lose all your friends, don't raise bratty kids, simple.

Or restrict it to seeing her only in evenings for adult time, if she can drag herself away from the little darling that is (I fell out with another friend who refused to do anything after 6.30pm as that was when kid went to bed, they wouldn't get babysitters even family, and frankly if that was the life they wanted fine but it's not what I want to be doing).

If she does ask why she isn't invited over with child any more I would be honest, if a little more tactful than saying child is a horror. I'd say 'X has broken/damaged quite a few things in my home so I'd prefer it if she didn't come round until she's grown up a bit'. or 'X doesn't enjoy visits to our house, she's grizzley and clingy to you, so I thought it's best not to push this on her'.

sassyblue

JodyBPM wrote: »

I really, really dislike one of my friends children, and I feel really bad about it - after all she's only little.

But she is massively overindulged, and grizzly and whiney and frankly not remotely pleasant to be around. She never engages with anyone apart from her mum, who she constantly clings on to, whist grizzling. When my friend pops round for a coffee, I basically sit and watch while my friend plays/cajoles/entertains her daughter. It's impossible to have a conversation with her as she's 110% focussed on her daughter - I wonder why she bothered to come round... I've tried to tempt her to play with some toys on the floor etc, but no, all she wants to do is cling to mums leg and whine.

I appreciate that its not the child's fault, its more to do with the parents. I really struggle with the way that they expect everyone to bend over backwards and overindulge their little darling in case she gets upset, doesn't get what she wants etc.

Overindulgence aside, what can the mum do to stop her whingy daughter? Some kids are like that but it's a phase she will grow out of. The mum focussing on her daughter is probably her trying to involve her child and placate her so she isn't a pain.

Just do evening things with your friend, if she asks why just say 'well it's easier for both of us with the kids asleep'

RadoJo

It sounds more like you don't like your friend that much - after all she is the one raising this entitled little girl, demanding that you change your plans to suit her and using her child as an excuse to behave rudely, whether she realises it or not. If she is unwilling to set boundaries for her child in your house, allowing things to be broken and damaged, and monopolises your time by indulging her child's clinginess when she visits, then these are all issues that you have with your friend - her child might be where the symptoms manifest themselves, but she isn't really the cause of the problem.

JodyBPM

Thanks guys, I thought I was going to get royally flamed as it was a bit of a rant!

I appreciate that my friend will always put her daughter first, and that's how it should be. I really do want to like her daughter, or at least have some kind of relationship with her, but TBH I'm just constantly irritated by her presence when she's there, because we're all expected to revolve everything around her. It doesn't tend to impact on evenings, to be fair.

Maybe I need to be more assertive about certain things (eg invite for a roast at 1pm) and actually have a chat when they turn up late/leave early etc.

I know deep down that its wrong to blame the child, as her behaviour is a product of her parenting tbh.

londonsurrey

RadoJo wrote: »

It sounds more like you don't like your friend that much - after all she is the one raising this entitled little girl, demanding that you change your plans to suit her and using her child as an excuse to behave rudely, whether she realises it or not. If she is unwilling to set boundaries for her child in your house, allowing things to be broken and damaged, and monopolises your time by indulging her child's clinginess when she visits, then these are all issues that you have with your friend - her child might be where the symptoms manifest themselves, but she isn't really the cause of the problem.

I don't think it's the OP's fault. IMHO it would be silly for her to roll over and simply give in to all the demands of the friend without taking sensible steps to mitigate the situation.

The friendship seems to have been going along fine, but people change. And the friend discovering motherhood is a very significant change.

Most of us will have had friends who were perfectly good friends in themselves, until the friend became besotted with someone who was unsavoury/unpleasant/simply jarred with the group.


The friend is in a kind of love affair at the moment, with the child, be it as a doormat mother or pandering to her mini me or simply some other combination that is just unpalatable to the OP.

The OP is not saying that the friendship is cancelled now she's discovered this side to the friend, she's just taking steps to limit her exposure to this side of her friend's life.

fluffnutter

I think you're overly worried that you don't like this child. Just because she's little doesn't mean she doesn't have an abhorrent personality. Of course, at this age, she's not responsible for that, but even so, don't get too hung up on what you feel about her. Why does it matter if you like her or not? Provided you're polite and friendly, she won't ever pick up on it anyway.

I've totally given up on my friend's little boy. He smirks at me behind his mother's back so I stick my tongue out at him. And not in a fun way either. He's not my responsibility *shrugs*