advice re 14 yr old please.

NAR

Loobysaver wrote: »

My 14 year old is left every day from 3 - 5.30pm which I know is a lot shorter but she is more than capable of looking after herself.

I see no problem with that, there is plenty of time for chat before bedtime.

gibson123

NAR wrote: »

I know you are a single mum and you are working hard to provide for your family. However I think a 14 year old should be getting more daily attention from his mother. He could be getting up to anything from 4 to 10 every day and you wouldn't know. No matter how mature he is/you think he is your son still needs guidance/parental control/maternal advice and at present he is not receiving enough of that at present IMHO. Sorry if that upsets you but I am just trying to give a balanced view of the situation.

Sorry I don't agree with this at all. 14 years old spend very little time with their parents. Even of you are at home, it is very unlikely your 14 year old is as well and if they are chances they are on facebook, Playstation, doing homework or watching telly. The only time 14 year olds talk to their parents is on their own terms, when you are doing something totally random like driving him/her to football or queuing at the theme park. All you can do is trust and respect your kids and bring them up to have good values, they will however go their own way. It is not the amount of time you give your child it is the amount or love and respect that counts.

A_Phoenix_of_Tangerine

NAR wrote: »

Sorry but she didn't say once or twice, she said " a few late ones ... 2 to 10pm ect. "
If she had said once or twice I would not have said what I did.

Nope, sorry, read again:

"Yes he would be left from leaving school until I get home at around 10.30pm at which time he is in bed asleep. This is around one or two times a week."

XYZ1000

Thanks for your replies. I do value your opinions even if it means you disagree with my situation.... It works out 7 nights per month that I am not there at meal time. 5 nights not home until after 10pm and two nights after 7.30pm per month.

XYZ1000

gibson123 wrote: »

Sorry I don't agree with this at all. 14 years old spend very little time with their parents. Even of you are at home, it is very unlikely your 14 year old is as well and if they are chances they are on facebook, Playstation, doing homework or watching telly. The only time 14 year olds talk to their parents is on their own terms, when you are doing something totally random like driving him/her to football or queuing at the theme park. All you can do is trust and respect your kids and bring them up to have good values, they will however go their own way. It is not the amount of time you give your child it is the amount or love and respect that counts.

Very true
Thank you for taking the time to write that.

zcrat41

gibson123 wrote: »

Sorry I don't agree with this at all. 14 years old spend very little time with their parents. Even of you are at home, it is very unlikely your 14 year old is as well and if they are chances they are on facebook, Playstation, doing homework or watching telly. The only time 14 year olds talk to their parents is on their own terms, when you are doing something totally random like driving him/her to football or queuing at the theme park. All you can do is trust and respect your kids and bring them up to have good values, they will however go their own way. It is not the amount of time you give your child it is the amount or love and respect that counts.

I'm sorry - I don't agree with this. Even if a 14 yr old is not spending time with parents, the parent by checking over their shoulder what's going on on Facebook, what's being watched on the tv, even discussing things they've seen on tv they are keeping lines of communication over and a beady eye on what's going on - all the better to nip any issues in the bud or to be there for support when needed. By doing that "totally random" driving them to football you are doing so many things: encouraging and supporting them in a pastime that is healthy and good for their cv (shows teamwork, dedication etc) for one thing. But also, you know who their friends are and what they are doing.

Having said that, OP - I applaud you for making the best of a difficult situation. I don't think a couple of days a month is an issue. If it was daily that would be a different scenario but its not. I personally wouldn't allow friends over on a school night. School nights are for homework and preparing for the next day.


Good luck OP

NAR

gibson123 wrote: »

The only time 14 year olds talk to their parents is on their own terms, when you are doing something totally random like driving him/her to football or queuing at the theme park. All you can do is trust and respect your kids and bring them up to have good values, they will however go their own way.

How can you teach them trust and respect if you hardly ever talk to them? I sincerely despair at the way some families raise their children.

It is not the amount of time you give your child it is the amount or love and respect that counts.

IMHO a child needs all of these things.

gibson123

zcrat41 wrote: »

I'm sorry - I don't agree with this. Even if a 14 yr old is not spending time with parents, the parent by checking over their shoulder what's going on on Facebook, what's being watched on the tv, even discussing things they've seen on tv they are keeping lines of communication over and a beady eye on what's going on - all the better to nip any issues in the bud or to be there for support when needed. By doing that "totally random" driving them to football you are doing so many things: encouraging and supporting them in a pastime that is healthy and good for their cv (shows teamwork, dedication etc) for one thing. But also, you know who their friends are and what they are doing.

Having said that, OP - I applaud you for making the best of a difficult situation. I don't think a couple of days a month is an issue. If it was daily that would be a different scenario but its not. I personally wouldn't allow friends over on a school night. School nights are for homework and preparing for the next day.


Good luck OP

I am afraid we will just have to differ on this.

Where is the bit that develops trust, teaches responsibility and independence? I am a great believer in believing in your child, teaching them the right things to do and expecting them to live within your beliefs and standards, but allowing them to grow and develop. Being there for your child is not about being present it is about being accessible and butting into their relationships, and keeping a beady eye on a teenager is in my opinion OTT. Being trusted and getting privacy are rights and privileges that I would only take away if my child did something to break my trust in them.

I was given this respect from my parents and they did from their grandparents before them, when did we as a society decide our kids couldn't be trusted, were irresponsible and could not be left to entertain themselves and achieve on their own terms.

gibson123

NAR wrote: »

How can you teach them trust and respect if you hardly ever talk to them? I sincerely despair at the way some families raise their children.

Do you mean me? My child was taught trust and respect at about age 7, she has been trusted and respectful all her life, at 14 she is growing into a fine respected young woman and I am very proud of her. We talk but not all the time, she prefers the company of her peers, as is her right and privilege at her age. She does NOT need constant supervision or me nagging her all the time, I do not need to be present, I only need to be accessible. If I did need to be present because of some problem believe me I would be there in a heartbeat. I sincerely despair of people who are too quick to judge and criticise others.

XYZ1000

I have to agree that my child was also taught about respect and trust and honestly many years ago. Treating people how you yourself would like to be treated, the rights and wrongs of life. Yes he may be reminded now and then but that doesn't take all evening!!

It is natural that he wants to spend time with others his age more so than his parent/ granparents it is part of growing up. It our job now to help them take secure risks. So they don't feel the need to be drinking/smoking having sex to young.

I think that we have to consider here though is not two children are the same. Eg a family member's son is the same age as mine and wont even get the bus home from school alone. He spends all his spare time in his room alone (with parents downstairs). So maybe a child like this may not be (imo) the best to leave alone at home while you go out to work.

Eighteen months ago I was very poorly and could hardly walk/hoover for around 3 months ect. My son had to start to do alot more for himself because circumstances put him in that situation. He rode to school and back and made himself lunch and helped me where I couldn't manage. If anything it has made him much more confident in his abilities.

Thanks all for taking the time to reply as I now feel much better about leaving him. That I am doing no harm to him by leaving him 9 hours a week while I earn money to pay the rent/bills/food for him and myself. If anything it is teaching him to grow and be independent.