advice re 14 yr old please.

XYZ1000

Hi all
You are all such a good lot for helping me with my problems so thought I would ask you for help again!!

I am having a tough time trying to muddle through at present. In the last few months I have changed my hours from Nights to days due to health reasons. Before my son was at a childminders. I have to work shifts which is a mix of early starts and a few late ones ... 2 to 10pm ect.
This means my son is at home alone as I am a single Mum.
I make a dinner for him and he just has to heat it through. It's just sometimes he doesn't eat it when I am not there. He says he isn't hungry. (I think its because he wants to lose weight)
I guess what I asking is do you think this to long for him to left with no parent? (he seems fine with it). I can't do it any other way at work at the moment until someone leaves. It seems harder re childcare as of his age.. I am worried about him being without supervision.
Also should I still be saying how he spends his time at 14 and half at weekends. Thanks

angelil

He'll be fine...I was babysitting at that age for much younger kids (and not just for half an hour either).

I'd be more concerned about him apparently not eating properly when you are not there than I would be about leaving him alone. Do you know it's because he wants to lose weight (i.e. has he said stuff to indicate this) or is this just guesswork? I'm afraid I don't have much experience with teenage boys and making them eat but some of them really don't eat a lot and it's just in their nature...doesn't mean there's something wrong with them. My husband doesn't eat a lot (and I suspect never has really) but he doesn't have an eating disorder. Keep an eye on it by all means but at the same time try not to worry too much. Perhaps try leaving only minimal snacks in the house so that he HAS to eat his dinner if he's hungry

Regarding you saying how he should be spending his time at weekends...can you be more precise?

meritaten

unless he is extremely immature for his age I dont think 14 is too young to be left on his own in daytime.
Take him through the 'rules' and if necessary print them out and put them in a prominent place!
Such as never telling a caller that he is on his own.
Saying that mum is not available (not that mum is 'in work')
whether he is allowed to have one or more friends in to keep him company
whether he can raid the fridge or cupboards for goodies (if not then a goody tin can be an idea).
Using oven or microwave?
and MOST important - who to contact in an emergency!
prepare numbers for yourself (dire emergency)
doctor
a friend who would be prepared to deal with the type of emergency you couldnt expect a lad to deal with (burst pipe stuff like that)
Then assure him that this sort of info is exactly what you would leave a housesitter and that you trust HIM to look after the house and himself!
I am sure everything will be fine!

poet123

I am not clear from your post when or how long he is left alone for?

Valli

Meritaten's post is full of good ideas. Go with what she says.

thorsoak

From your posts, I read that you often have to work from 2 until 10pm. This means, in school terms, that he is on his own from coming out of school (3.30?-4.pm?). He is 14 years of age - not exactly a child, not quite an adult.

But now is the time (and the opportunity) to allow him to mature. Obviously, the first thing he should do when he gets home, is to check in with you - either by phone or text, depending upon whether or not you can answer the phone in your workplace. He should be told he is trusted to deal with his homework, to eat a meal - but maybe here, you shouldn't always leave it for him to heat up - why not let him cook something himself? You say he wants to lose weight - now is the ideal time to get a recipe book for weight control, and get him to cook for you, one day in the week.

He should obviously, be aware that he doesn't tell people on the phone that you are not aware - just "can't get to the phone right now" should be sufficient - but how to make contact with people should an emergency arise - at 14, I would expect most teenagers to be capable of this.

From personal experience, I would also limit the number of friends who are given "open house" invitations ....I came home from work one time, to find that we were "entertaining" 16 teenagers ....who were systematically eating their way through the contents of my freezers !:eek::eek:

XYZ1000

Thanks everyone fab advice !! I feel a lot better already. Was starting to think maybe I hadn't done the right thing by changing my hours.

Yes he would be left from leaving school until I get home at around 10.30pm at which time he is in bed asleep. This is around one or two times a week.
At the weekends he wants to go to his girlfriends house but she lives around 8 miles away and isn't on a bus route. He also was going to a club and plays alot of football there on school hoildays/weekends. Since the girlfriend he has been dropping the club more. As the club is for under 15s he was going to become a volunteer . I think this would be great for his c.v and its healthy to keep your interests. But he doesn't seem to have the time...

I usually make the meal as feel it is safer than him using the cooker.
I also don't allow him to have friends in when I am not home. Do you think that is too harsh? He uses his phone to be in contact with friends on his blackberry loads.

poet123

Tbh I would be more worried about the gf at 14 than leaving him home alone for a few hours!!

meritaten

wellll - tbh NO friends is a bit harsh - one trusted friend and a curfew? and definately NO girlfriend? but its up to you hun - its only a couple of evenings a week you say? if you agree the rules together its far more likely they will be kept than if you 'impose' them with no discussion on the 'why'.

XYZ1000

yes I was/am worried about the girlfriend. I just think though that if I tried to stop him then he would end up doing stuff behind my back. At least this way I know the truth at where he is and with who.

Spendless

If your son has been at a childminders until recently is he used to doing things for himself? Does he need to lose weight? You could go thru some meals with him that are healthy that you agree that he can either cook or warmup if you prepare first. Is there a nearby neighbour he could go to in the event of an emergency -depending on how far away you are from work? Friends that's up to you. I trust my son who is 12 to be in the house alone for a couple of hours, I don't totally trust his friends who are younger than him both birthday wise and in attitude and I don't totally trust DS to be sensible when they are here. Not that I believe they will be steal things, though a friend of mine has had that happen- just my DS is more likely to be 'giddy' when they are here. When I was working and had to stop later than DS getting home, I used to ask him to send me a text when he got in.