Trust issues

Manta

Turtle wrote: »

I once read an article by an eminent psychologist / counsellor who said of her clients marriages that broke down due to infidelity, a very high proportion regretted that they didn't try harder to work out their problems.

Good luck. I believe if you want to forgive that's half the battle.

Thanks for that Turtle, I had that same feeling when all this started to come out. That I might regret it more just walking away.

We are both 29 and there have been problems that you can blame both of us me with some and her with some. But ultimately I feel whatever I did it nothing compared to what she did. She was the one that did not talk to me about concerns she had, instead she talked to her friend at work. And I feel he could just hear the office gossip and say exactly what was needed. I feel he totally manipulated her.

I feel that wanting to go and smack this guy about is a natural male reaction, harks back to caveman days!

He is a problem because I know he is still out there and to be honest I feel someone needs to give him a bit of a beating to remind him how to behave. You dont have an affair with a married woman when you tried with you your partner for 5 years including IVF to have a daughter!

He just comes across as a total scum lump and needs a bit of reminding how to behave.

I know a lot of you might not understand that feeling but its how I feel about it.


But things are improving between us, there is still a lot of love and we have a holiday coming up soon which we are both looking forward to!

Just need to start trusting again. Easier said than done.

Tiddlywinks

Four_leaf_clover wrote: »

I can understand you holding strong feelings against the guy who had an affair with your wife. However he doesn't owe any loyalty to you, it is your wife who made promises to you and then threw all that away. Not this other bloke.

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Why do you want to go and sort him out? He is not your problem - she is! He didn't make vows and promises to you. He is not the one who told you a mountain of lies. Put the blame where it belongs.

Manta wrote: »

.... I feel he totally manipulated her.

..........I feel that wanting to go and smack this guy about is a natural male reaction, harks back to caveman days!

He is a problem because I know he is still out there and to be honest I feel someone needs to give him a bit of a beating to remind him how to behave. ............

I know a lot of you might not understand that feeling but its how I feel about it.

Just need to start trusting again. Easier said than done.

Sorry, but you appear to be making excuses for your OH and loading a lot of blame onto the other man.

Your OH cheated, she lied - no-one held a gun to her head and forced her into it. If she was unhappy in your relationship then she should have talked about it with you or done something about it - not had an affair behind your back. There are NO excuses for that behaviour.

I firmly believe that there are people in life that will 'do the right thing' and would never cheat on a partner and then there are those that will chance their luck - it's a personality thing.

Her personality (and life values) allowed her to cheat once......

londonsurrey

The other man is like a burglar, who broke into your home, smashed things, and took what he wanted. He's scum.

But your OH is like the homeowner, who allowed the burglar into your house, allowed him to use the things that were private to both of you, and was happy to let him sell the proceeds and use the proceeds to enjoy a booze up with the burglar.

She did this knowing that you'd be devastated at finding your home desecrated, but the booze up was too irresistible even when weighed up against your joint futures and her self respect.

So if he's scum, surely she's below scum.

DVardysShadow

Manta wrote: »

.... I feel that wanting to go and smack this guy about is a natural male reaction, harks back to caveman days!

He is a problem because I know he is still out there and to be honest I feel someone needs to give him a bit of a beating to remind him how to behave. You dont have an affair with a married woman when you tried with you your partner for 5 years including IVF to have a daughter!

He just comes across as a total scum lump and needs a bit of reminding how to behave.

I know a lot of you might not understand that feeling but its how I feel about it.


But things are improving between us, there is still a lot of love and we have a holiday coming up soon which we are both looking forward to!

Just need to start trusting again. Easier said than done.

Others are making a very valid point that your wife is more of a problem than this person.

Your wife is not some feeble lump of jelly who has to be protected from him. She is a person in her own right who should have defended the marriage. And didn't.

I have not a clue in this in terms of experiencing or observing infidelity closer than the other side of the office. So feel free to ignore this. But everything about this says to me that you should be setting the bar she has to jump higher rather than lower and leaving your wife a substantial role in holding things together. Rightly or wrongly, I think that the more you set out to 'protect her' and deal with this guy, the more you are setting the situation up for serial repetition rather than closing it as a 1 off

tea_lover

FWIW, I can totally understand your feelings towards this man. I'm sure that rationally you know that it was your wife that owed you loyalty, and that it's her (if anyone) that your anger should be directed at.

That's rationally though.... when it comes to actual feelings I think it's perfectly natural to feel as you do towards this man. I think it will pass, and I think trust can be regained and relationships can be rebuilt. But for the time being you will hate this bloke, and you will want to hurt him. I'm not for a second condoning that, and I'm sure you wouldn't - just saying that I get why you feel it.

I have never hated anyone the way I felt about the OW. Yes she didn't owe me anything, and yes I was angry at my OH too but even so, I could have torn her apart with my bare hands.

shegirl

tea_lover wrote: »

FWIW, I can totally understand your feelings towards this man. I'm sure that rationally you know that it was your wife that owed you loyalty, and that it's her (if anyone) that your anger should be directed at.

That's rationally though.... when it comes to actual feelings I think it's perfectly natural to feel as you do towards this man. I think it will pass, and I think trust can be regained and relationships can be rebuilt. But for the time being you will hate this bloke, and you will want to hurt him. I'm not for a second condoning that, and I'm sure you wouldn't - just saying that I get why you feel it.

I have never hated anyone the way I felt about the OW. Yes she didn't owe me anything, and yes I was angry at my OH too but even so, I could have torn her apart with my bare hands.

Same here (and I still could given behaviour tbh)

poppy10_2

Kick her to the kerb. She'll cheat on you again, it's just a matter of when.

pinkclouds

Manta wrote: »

We are both 29 and there have been problems that you can blame both of us me with some and her with some. But ultimately I feel whatever I did it nothing compared to what she did. She was the one that did not talk to me about concerns she had, instead she talked to her friend at work. And I feel he could just hear the office gossip and say exactly what was needed. I feel he totally manipulated her.

Personally, I *do* think your feelings are understandable. If you believe that your wife was manipulated or emotionally blackmailed because she is vulnerable, well, you know her better than I do so I believe you. A good support network will help both of you - family, friends, church, etc.

I wish you well with your future happiness. Remember, even if you cannot successfully overcome your marital problems, the main thing is you tried - you didn't just take the easy route out.

londonsurrey

I don't understand the "defence" of her being so feeble minded that she was mere fodder for the other man.

If someone is that vulnerable, she would be very much a care in the community case, and I'd do my best to be a good friend. However, if you really believe that she's that vulnerable and pathetic, to decide to entrust my whole socioeconomic future to her, and presumably at some point produce offspring with some of her genetic makeup would speak of a love so compelling and undeniable that would be truly rare, as you're willing to live with a feeble minded bed hopping lying spouse.

alias*alibi

Manta, if you have the time or inclination read through some of my previous threads. I'm a woman, husband had an affair with girl at work which unfortunately resulted in an unwanted baby from his perspective. We are back together; sometimes I still have a wobble about things but in general things are pretty much back to how it was. She is due back at work from maternity leave next month and even though they will be on different shifts I know inevitably they will have to pass one another and I do trust him.

It can work if you want it to. It's hard but it's doable.

I got pretty much the same responses as you have about trust never being there again, she didn't promise you anything do why are you gunning for her, I could never take someone back who has cheated etc etc. The difference though is that most of those making the statements haven't been in this situation and at the end of the days it's your life, live it how YOU want, not how others think you should.

Good luck :-)