Trust issues

Manta

(not my normal forum name...)

So just looking for some suggestions on how to trust my wife again.

To cut a long story short basically at the end of January she cheated on me with some dips**t from her work. Who is nearly 10 years older than her! :mad::mad::mad::mad:
We have been married 3 years this year.

When it all first came out she said that she had done nothing with him and it was just an emotional affair. Then I finally got to the bottom of everything and she had had sex with him. The day in question she made up some bulls**t story about going on some work training day type thing. But she went with that guy and had sex with him. But she told this lie to me, her family, our friends, my family.

She has said that as soon as it had happened she knew it was wrong and felt terrible.

We have been working hard on our relationship and she has been put on mild anti depressants to help her sleep.

I have decided that I want to continue our marriage and we are working on that. We have also been to see a relate councillor which has been very helpful.

He has been moved to a different branch, he is not on her facebook anymore. She has said I can check her facebook, email and phone whenever I want to.

But I still (obviously) have trust issues.

I dont want to worry that she is up to something but its hard to shift the thoughts some times.

But obviously she has her phone and could use the incognito browser in google to do anything she wants.

But what can I do to try and trust her again?
Are there any steps that would help?

Any suggestions would be great

londonsurrey

It depends on her. Is she doing a lot to try to reassure you and to apologise? Or is it a lot about how terrible she feels, and if you think about it, making it about her and her guilt?

If it's the first, you might stand a chance. If it's the second scenario, then you've got a weak greedy character who will go will the easy option every time a biscuit, and not have the guts to stand by their own decision, be it to work on their marriage, or to say "Hey, I'm a !!!!!!. Love me and live with it."
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Manta

well there has been some of her saying how bad and guilty she feels. But she is trying hard to show me that she loves me. she is planning various things for us and she is being very loving

I have known her for many 16 years and have never seen this sort of side of her. I think was mainly that the moron at her work got in her head.
She was feeling down about some things In our marriage that were not right (which she did not tell me about) and things obviously got out if hand.

I would really love to go and sort him out but I could do without a criminal record.

londonsurrey

Forget the moron. Some other husband closer at hand will probably sort him out in the future.

He's might not have the most desirable morals in the world, but he never promised to love you, never to betray your trust, never to put you at risk of STDs, never to risk your heart and your whole socioeconomic future.

Get yourself tested for STDs, and some counselling on your own to get your own head straightened out. You've had the most terrible whack about the head from a totally unexpected quarter.

Sambucus_Nigra

Why do you have to trust her again? I know you want to but really, can you ever trust someone after they have slept with someone else?

Manta

I want to trust her again because I want to get back to (as close as possible) how we were.

I am looking to move on from this. I know it is possible for couples to come out of affairs with stronger relationships than before the affair.

Going to relate helped a lot. The woman we saw was very good and it was good to talk with her.

I have had all the STD tests and they all came back fine.

londonsurrey

I'm glad you've taken all the sensible steps. I can't give you any reassurance, but you do sound sensible albeit gutted, and I wish you all the best for the future.

bluenoseam

OK time for an alternative look, if this was a woman saying her husband had cheated on her the majority of replies would be to kick their backside to the kerb. I'll put it bluntly for you, your wife has slept with another man, now no matter how you dress that up she consented to sexual intercourse with another man - that's no one else to blame but her, period!

You can try all you want, but chances are you'll never be able to trust her again and with good reason.

Turtle

How's about we give the poor bloke some encouragement rather than just telling him he's set for a life of misery? He obviously loves her and wants to work it out, if it doesn't work then at least he'll have tried. Can't imagine anything worse than thinking 'What if?' for the rest of your life.

I once read an article by an eminent psychologist / counsellor who said of her clients marriages that broke down due to infidelity, a very high proportion regretted that they didn't try harder to work out their problems.

Good luck. I believe if you want to forgive that's half the battle.

Four_leaf_clover_2

Manta wrote: »

I would really love to go and sort him out but I could do without a criminal record.

I am sorry for all you are going through right now. If it will make you happy, then I hope you can learn to trust your wife again and rebuild your relationship. Personally I think once trust in a marriage is gone it is extremely hard to get it back. Lots of open communication and counselling might help.

Seeing the situation for what it really is would be of benefit too. What you wrote above intrigued me. I can understand you holding strong feelings against the guy who had an affair with your wife. However he doesn't owe any loyalty to you, it is your wife who made promises to you and then threw all that away. Not this other bloke.

paddy's_mum

Manta wrote: »

I think was mainly that the moron at her work got in her head.

She was feeling down about some things In our marriage that were not right (which she did not tell me about) and things obviously got out if hand.

I would really love to go and sort him out

Right. In order: He wasn't that much of a moron, was he? It appears that he got what he wanted but .... supposing that he actually was very much in love with her and is now devastated? She told you a great many lies - what's to say that she didn't tell him the same volume of fantasy and that he is just as much a victim as you?

To me, the whole essence of this problem is in that little snippet 'things you did not know about'. It may be that you were/are young, stupid and insensitive. It may equally be that she is young, stupid and insensitive. Until the pair of you learn how to communicate, things like this are going to keep popping their heads over the parapet until the day you both die. Talk!

Why do you want to go and sort him out? He is not your problem - she is! He didn't make vows and promises to you. He is not the one who told you a mountain of lies. Put the blame where it belongs.

Are you both relatively young? I ask because my experience in life has been that so many of us make this kind of mistake when we are young and foolish and only when we realise that the person who means the most to us is about to jump ship do we stop short and start to look at things and grow up!

Those things that were wrong in your marriage....should you have realised? Is any part of this unhappy fiasco rightly laid at your door?

I will say that if you are now talking, seeking counselling, and have forgiveness and the deepest affection on your side, you CAN get through this and come out so much stronger on the other side of disaster.

Good luck.