13 year old daughter misbehaving and no support from her father

MissMotivation

Im really struggling at the moment both financially and emotionally and feel so on my own with this.

Ive been a single parent since on DD was 6 months old, her dad has never contributed financially but he has had regular contact, about every other weekend give or take.

The last 6 months have been Hell, Ive been made redundant twice, had to move house and although im now in work again Ive had to take a massive drop in pay, whats worse is that DD is really testing my patience. She has truanted from school on 6 occasions and her attitude is awful, she wont do anything around the house, wont tidy her room, wont shower or brush her teeth without constant nagging and on top of this her dad has not helped one little bit.

I need help, how can i get him to realise that i cant do all this by myself?

VfM4meplse

You have been through some incredibly tough times over the last few months and still picked yourself up, so fiirstly give yourself credit for your own reslience.

How old is your DD? It sounds like she's looking for attention - ask yourself if she is justified in doing so? It also may be that she's a bit depressed, young people can have a different way of expressing it. You don't agree with her methods or behaviour, but you can kill it with kindness. Make time to do things with each other, spend time but not necessarily money, hugs are free after all. Ask how her day was, take a real interest even though you're knackered after a day at work. Do the kind of things you did with her when she was little - did you ever talk to her last thing before bed for example? Buying her a few toiletries as a treat might encourage her to start washing.

Forget your ex - your relationship with your DD is different to his, and you've got by w/o him so far. If you're not careful he'll end up looking like Mr Good Cop and you'll be DD's plan B.

Good luck.

MissMotivation

she is 13, i know its probably just teenage rebellion or something but Ive tried the talking to her, she just shrugs her shoulders and rolls her eyes when i try to chat. We do nothing anymore as she is always being punished for one thing or another. I feel like everyone thinks im such a bad parent as she is not going to school, her attendance is getting so low that the school have said that i will be getting contacted by an attendance officer or somebody. I cant physically take her to school as i do not have transport and i have to be at work for 8.30. The reason i mentioned her dad is because he doesnt work and could take her to school but it seems he has washed his hands of her.

VfM4meplse

Keep plugging away at it, remember who the adult is here.

In your position I would also contact the school, there may be some pastoral support they can offer.

getzls

I hate to tell you this! Have got 2 daughters now well past that age. It's normal, but don't worry they grow out of it aged about 17, so 4 years or so to go.

sweetme

I currently have this with my 15 year old. I honestly don't think there is anything else she can do to rebel. I have four kids who see their dad for a grand total of one hour per fortnight and I get no practical or emotional support from my mum/family. The best way, I have learned, to deal with it is to not react to it. The showering/brushing of teeth she will soon do of her own accord, at 13 it's highly likely that her vanity will get the better of her.

The school should work with you on the truancy, my daughter's guidance teacher and deputy headmaster have been of great support in keeping my daughter in school, although her last full day of education is tomorrow and then she is on exam leave and ultimately finished with it.

I gave up on trying to get my daughter to do housework/tidy up and in return I do nothing for her i.e. changing her bed, picking up her washing etc, harsh I know (and it really bothers me as I'm very houseproud) but it does have an effect and she has slowly started realising if she wants clean clothes she will have to pick them up.

I can't advice on how to get your ex to help. I tried asking mine a few times but he is way too wrapped up in his new life. You've obviously been through quite a lot, but you're still here so you've made it through! Keep strong and in a couple of years chances are you will have a lovely daughter you can be proud of. You're definitely not alone in this.

BitterAndTwisted

Don't be looking for any help or support from her father. He's not there day-to-day dealing with all the flack, you are. And try not to go overboard on the punishments. Sometimes a withdrawal of privileges can be a better tactic, especially is there's anything special she likes to do. I'd completely ignore the filthy bedroom and the poor personal hygiene: the only one who is suffering is her. As soon as an interest in boys rears its head she'll be a reformed character.

I also think that the recent difficulties and changes you've gone through have had an effect on her, and this could be her way of demanding your attention. Is there anything special that the two of you could plan to do together?

faerie~spangles

Her room, her space, her mess, close the door and ignore it.

Tell her calmly that you will continue to do her washing if and only if she puts it in her laundry basket. If she refuses then you don't make a fuss. She'll soon run out of clean clothes. Don't nag.

Tell her you love her

Her personal hygiene is a tricky one. Do you give her privacy or kind stand over her to make sure she does things to your standard? Don't nag.

Tell her you love her

She may be reacting to the stress she feels about things outwith her control. Your redundancies, the house move...

daviecol

You've clearly been through a bad time lately and when we're stressed all the little things build up and seem massive.

Your daughter sounds like an average 13 year old. Forget her messy room, shut the door and ignore it. If she asked your advise on any thing give it, otherwise don't push her in one direction because she'll just pull in the other.

At 13 your really shouldn't be worrying about her not brushing her teeth, you teach her to do that when she's little. By 13 if she can't be bothered, frankly that's her problem.

Even if you could take her to school, you can't make her stay there all day.

In short you've done your best for her, stop worrying and don't expect her to behave like a responsible adult. She's a 13 year old kid.

floss2

I had similar issues with my sons, now 24 & 26. The most important thing to remember is that she will improve with time and that she will eventually decide that squalor is not for her

I second the advice given to leave her to live in her room as she wants - it's her personal space and she will tidy it up every now & then, honest, just not as often as you would like. Don't nag, as that is the reaction she will expect & be ready to roll her eyes at.

Personal hygiene was covered by telling them that they would not be pleasant to be near if they didn't shower, wash their hair, clean their teeth & use deodrant / body sprays...they were both keen to get girlfriends, so that was a winner!

I used to insist that any laundry that needed doing was put into the basket in the bathroom and that any dishes were brought downstairs when they got up / went to school. Then I didn't go into their rooms at all unless I had to wake one of them.

I also used to insist on chores - as a single mum with an elderly mother to keep an eye on, I too was a bit short on time. the boys would take turns to wash up after tea and once each at weekends when they were at home. The elder used to do the hoovering (downstairs, stairs & landing) for cash, and when he left to go to uni his brother took that chore on.

We also had an arrangement for a friday night takeaway when they were not going to their dads, but this depnded upon their behaviour & willingness to help out during the past week - I found that bribery was always a useful tool!

CH27

Tell her you love.
Don't expect any help from your ex, that way you wn't be disappointed.
Try writing a letter to your daughter explaining how you feel etc & ask if the pair of yu can make a fresh start.