Ending my marriage, struggling to cope....

Caroline_a

Sometimes it's better the evil you know than the evil you don't know. The evil you don't know in this case is being on your own without your husband long-term. None of us know what the future holds, but most people find it daunting to know that things will change out of all recognition... you aren't alone in this! and it's your fear, rather than guilt that is making you feel like this.

I remember when I left my ex I was scared of life on my own. Nobody to share the worries with, nobody to chat with, etc. Fast forward to today. I'm sat, having spent most of today doing house stuff (necessary but boring!), and have both my dogs at my feet. My dogs, my house, my decision to do what I want, when I want, with whom and where. My relationship was stifling me, I was unhappy and trapped, but at least I knew what to expect, even if it wasn't nice!

You have a fantastic future to plan.... go for it! Don't be scared, you'll look back in 5 years and realise what a great choice you made!

VfM4meplse

I think you may be mistaking guilt for disorientation, confusion and displacement. You have taken a big step and acted on logic. That's not easy to do when emotions are involved.

Your OH seems not to have forsaken all others, and he needs to accept the consequences. The next few months are going to be very hard living a changed lifestyle that was none of your fault, but now is the time to appreciate the benefits being single bring. Concentrate on what makes you happy from now on.

dizzyblonde82

Thank you for all the replies. This has been happening on and off for many years. I think I am more embarrassed that everyone around me has kept telling me he is not worth it but I just kept making excuses for him

I have tried to talk to him and find out why he feels the need to text other women and he cant explain it. If he doesn't know why then how can I even start to understand why he does it?

We have just spent the last hour talking and I cant get him to see my point of view, he says that if I lied to him daily it wouldn't bother him so he obviously thinks nothing of our relationship/marriage.

tenke

Maybe I can offer some words here out of own experience.
I am currently divorcing after 9 years of unhappy marriage.

The marriage though unhappy in most times, has had experiences were we had been for each other and living together 24/7 so many years leaves you with a weird sensation of " how am I going to live without this person? / What awaits me in the future?/ Is it better? Will I ever emotionally move on?

It is all because living with a person for so many years, you become used to being a part of a unit, not yoursefl anymore and all of a sudden thinking yourself as alone brings uncertainty, doubt, you question yourself if separating is the right thing...

Being in that boat of not knowing what the hell tomorrow brings, I can only hope that each day I find a new thread of strentgh that makes me stronger as it all progresses.

I am also hoping that a marvellous reality awaits for me.

I can only hope, you hope for the best for your future as well :T

Best vibes, as Leona sings.. It will all be better in time :D

benb76

If it's any help, I split with my unfaithful wife when I was 29 when we had been together for almost 8 years. I won't deny that it was very hard and emotional for a couple of months but since then I have never looked back. The past 7 years have been an amazing new life for me and I've achieved so much in that time, way more than I would have ever achieved during my unhappy marriage.

Your confidence will have taken a knock, but once you get that back you'll realise just what a great life there is to be lived out there. Wishing you the best of luck.

skint_chick

You've been together a long time so it's perfectly normal to have confused feelings - guilt over your marriage breaking down is common - even though you have no reason to feel guilty as he is the one behaving in an unacceptable manner. Even if he sees nothing wrong in lying to you daily and going behind your back you do - and marriage is also about showing consideration for your partner's feelings. You're not being paranoid at all and if he thinks lying is ok how long before he's sleeping with other women and lying about it?

It's a huge step to end a marriage especially if there is a child involved - but do you want your child growing up seeing that you accept your husband being involved with other women and thinking this is normal behaviour and that women's feelings don't matter? It sounds like you have good family support from the in laws and your friends and family would be happy to help out if needed.

How many chances do you give him? If nothing is changing then either you decide to ignore the other women or make a change. It's scary when you still love someone and want so badly to be enough for them that they won't be looking over your shoulder for someone else, you find so many excuses as to what you can change to make them love you more, how you can fix it to be perfect but the reality is there is nothing you can do to fix this if he is determined he isn't in the wrong. Believe me I tried for over 2 years to save a relationship like this and I would have done anything to make it ok - it drove me right to the edge of my sanity - but 5years on I'm married to a lovely man and just don't have to doubt myself and my relationship anymore

System

There comes a time when you have to realize that your worth more than a man that puts your feelings to one side and plays games with your heart. Words are cheap. Actions are what counts.

You deserve so much more!

andygb

dizzyblonde82 wrote: »

I have tried to talk to him and find out why he feels the need to text other women and he cant explain it. If he doesn't know why then how can I even start to understand why he does it?

You have not done anything wrong!
He is the one who has been texting these women, and he cannot or will not give you an explanation for his behaviour, and this is not acceptable considering the time that you have been together.
The more that you try to understand his behaviour, the more likely it is that you will make excuses for it, so please do not try to over complicate matters.
You have to concentrate on the rest of your life, and making the most of it, for your sake and the sake of your child.
Good luck.

POPPYOSCAR

dizzyblonde82 wrote: »

Thank you for all the replies. This has been happening on and off for many years. I think I am more embarrassed that everyone around me has kept telling me he is not worth it but I just kept making excuses for him

I have tried to talk to him and find out why he feels the need to text other women and he cant explain it. If he doesn't know why then how can I even start to understand why he does it?

We have just spent the last hour talking and I cant get him to see my point of view, he says that if I lied to him daily it wouldn't bother him so he obviously thinks nothing of our relationship/marriage.

That is very sad.

I hope you have someone to help you through all this especially as you suffer from depression.

Perhaps a chat with your GP to let them know what you are going through might be an idea?

Horace

Sometimes being married to the wrong guy can make you depressed. I am in the process of divorcing mine after 25 years of marriage, must admit that I did walk away in 2007 as I couldn't stand him any longer. Mine used to ignore me and would often say "I am not interested in anything you have to say", I had no social life either as I was completely cut off from friends and family.

I am doing the divorce myself and thankfully he isnt contesting it - it is easy to download the papers from https://www.direct.gov.uk and you get lots of guidance notes to help with the papers. If you are unemployed and on benefits then it won't cost you to divorce him.

I think it is unreasonable that your OH has been exchanging text messages with strange women. To say that you are paranoid is him playing mind games with you - mine was also adept at them as well:mad:

Yes, it can be a struggle being on your own but there are advantages such as eating what you want when you want and having control of the tv remote. At least being on your own doesnt mean being alone and you do have a chance to find yourself again and think of you as a person instead of being as part of a unit.

Good luck and keep your chin up.