Adoption and tracing birth parents....

RHYSDAD

Thanks so much for the replies, it's good to get a general consensus. My wife Thinks I might like to know when really I just don't. I'm a realist and all the tv show 'Happy reunions' must be outweighed by the unhappy one's. Me, I'm just not interested in finding out. I have my original letter explaining the why's and what nots, i know my birth patents names but I don't give a flying fig about meeting them! I may feel differently in time but right now it's at the very bottom of a very long list of things to do before I die.

Uniscots97

RHYSDAD wrote: »

Thanks so much for the replies, it's good to get a general consensus. My wife Thinks I might like to know when really I just don't. I'm a realist and all the tv show 'Happy reunions' must be outweighed by the unhappy one's. Me, I'm just not interested in finding out. I have my original letter explaining the why's and what nots, i know my birth patents names but I don't give a flying fig about meeting them! I may feel differently in time but right now it's at the very bottom of a very long list of things to do before I die.

Ultimately I think your wife has your best interests at heart but this has to be your decision. Don't beat yourself up over it.

carolan78

My husband was adopted at birth, before we got married he got a copy of his birth certificate because he thought we might need it. About 6 months later he asked me to look online to see if I could find anything for his birth mums name (this was in the days before facebook). Anyway low and behold an old electrol role still had someone with the same initial and surname registered at that address along with a few others.

He was shocked because he never expected me to find anything and never felt the need to find her. I had always felt a bit like your wife though and worried about health implications of our future children. We talked about it and he decided to write her a letter. He left the letter on the computer for 6 months, he was scared of opening a can of worms for her incase she had married and her husband didn't know.

It was 3 days before his birthday and he was working away, he had mentioned before he went about how she was probably thinking about him and probably did about this time every year for the last 25 years. While he was gone I printed the letter and posted it. I told him once it had gone.

His half sister popped up on aol chat about 3 weeks later, a few months of speaking to her (she was only 15 at the time) and speaking to his birth mum a few times on the phone we met up at a hotel. The rest is history, although she will never replace his 'mum' a relationship has been built and contact maintained.

If it is the fear of opening a can of worms or the fear of rejection stopping you, don't let it. DH found his birth family 10 months before his birth Gran passed away, I think it would have upset him if he did it later because she had always regretted not stopping the adoption in the first place and it gave her some peace to see mother and son reunited in some way.

carolan78

RHYSDAD wrote: »

Thanks so much for the replies, it's good to get a general consensus. My wife Thinks I might like to know when really I just don't. I'm a realist and all the tv show 'Happy reunions' must be outweighed by the unhappy one's. Me, I'm just not interested in finding out. I have my original letter explaining the why's and what nots, i know my birth patents names but I don't give a flying fig about meeting them! I may feel differently in time but right now it's at the very bottom of a very long list of things to do before I die.

If that is how you feel then don't do it, a time may come when you change your mind and it may not. That's your choice to make and yours alone.

sparrer

RHYSDAD wrote: »

Thanks so much for the replies, it's good to get a general consensus. My wife Thinks I might like to know when really I just don't. I'm a realist and all the tv show 'Happy reunions' must be outweighed by the unhappy one's. Me, I'm just not interested in finding out. I have my original letter explaining the why's and what nots, i know my birth patents names but I don't give a flying fig about meeting them! I may feel differently in time but right now it's at the very bottom of a very long list of things to do before I die.

You have a very mature, enlightened attitude toward the question of whether to meet or not to meet. I would just add that although the initial meeting may be shown on television as happy, the big question is what happens as both sides get to know each other? It can go either way. If I knew then what I know now I wouldn't have accepted a meeting. After some years of one party feeling the need to 'make up' for the adoption, the other party took advantage of their new-found relation almost to the point of bankruptcy. I appreciate this is an extreme case but it happens nonetheless. Just another situation to take into consideration. Good luck whatever you decide to do, personally I think you sound happy and secure enough with your life that you don't need to look for anything more.

Edwardia

It's your choice OP and you can always change your mind later if you want.

Errata

For Rhysdad, and anyone else wondering about contact: when the time is right, you'll know. My best wishes to you.

Dunroamin

I think that many adopted children don't really want to dig up their past but feel pressurised to do so because of what they read and see.

If you don't want to do this then I think your wife is out of order to try to make you - it's really no concern of hers and she should let you decide and then leave it.

nottslass_2

RHYSDAD wrote: »

Thanks so much for the replies, it's good to get a general consensus. My wife Thinks I might like to know when really I just don't. I'm a realist and all the tv show 'Happy reunions' must be outweighed by the unhappy one's. Me, I'm just not interested in finding out. I have my original letter explaining the why's and what nots, i know my birth patents names but I don't give a flying fig about meeting them! I may feel differently in time but right now it's at the very bottom of a very long list of things to do before I die.

I dont't think that anyone who isnt adopted can understand that many adoptees really have no desire or need to meet their birth parents - they see TV programs where birth mothers are filmed describing how their babies were snatched away by evil nuns after being sent away in shame "to an Aunts in the country",cue the next scene where Adoptee and birth mother run sobbing into each others arms and go off happily to live "happy ever after".

The reality is that many adopted children are actually very happy and secure and have grown up with loving parents and feel that there is nothing missing from their lives,but in my experience anyone who isn't adopted struggles to understand this !!!

I traced my birth mother for no other reason that natrual curiosity and nosiness - we looked alike,we got on and I liked her,but other than that I felt nothing and had no desire to have a relationship with her that was anything more than "casual friend".

I think that people who have no personal experience of adoption find it hard to believe that "blood" isn't always "thicker than water".

If for whatever reason you ever do decide to trace you birth mother,then it has to be your descision alone and nobody else has the right (how ever well meaning) to persuade you to do something that may not be right for you.

Errata

Any adoption is unique in it's own way for the people involved, and so will be their feelings and emotions.
There is no one two or three sizes that fit all.