Adoption and tracing birth parents....

RHYSDAD

My wife's just been watching the long lost thing on ITV and again she's dropping not too subtle hints at me to start looking for mine. Trouble is I don't think I want to. There's no grudge about the whole thing, I hold no sort of blame on my biological parents, but I'm just not bothered really. My wife feels that she'd like to know any family history health wise and I suppose that, as we are soon to be parents to number three, that she has a point but she just doesn't get my reluctance (disinterest really) to do anything. Have any of you guys got any sort of experience in this area?

madelaine

Have just watched the same programme and my eyes are sore from tears, so can understand your wife wanting you to find out more, but it has got to be your decision, and if you genuinely are not interested, and not just scared of rejection, you are within your rights too feel this way, even though i do feel so sorry for these mothers having to give up there babies, think they are very lucky to be forgiven for what happened, as a mother myself can't imagine anything that would make me give up my child.
Hope you give this some thought, and do what is right for you and your family.

McKneff

Life was so different in the fifties/sixties Madeleine, single mothers were ostricised, spat at, backs turned on them from people who had been lifelong friends. Sometimes they really had no choice, no money you see, and if parents threw them out, no money, no where to sleep, not able to work if they had a baby to look after. The government didnt throw money at them like they do today. Sometimes they went into mother baby homes, grandparents brow beat them into doing it. Sometimes even before mother had recovered baby had gone at the Grandparents orders.

Like I say, its a different world.
I lived through the fifties/sixties as a teenager and saw it happen.
Children, even as adults did as they were told, full stop.
In those days, can you imagine the following-
Homosexuals were sent to prison
Attempted suicide was a criminal offence and you were prosecuted if you survived.

Thank god things have moved on.

Uniscots97

I have friends who adopted 3 lovely kids (siblings and my friends were the first to take an interest as not many would take 3 kids). The eldest of the kids is old enough to remember why they were put into care, the younger two don't remember much (although the youngest of the three has very bad scars and knows who did it but thankfully doesn't remember how). My friends heard in court exactly what happened to these kids and the details are harrowing, the biological parents weren't given a choice in the matter, and any subsequent kids they have had have been removed at birth. Unfortunately tv doesn't alway show the less nice side and I would say that if are trying to decide then you need to consider the less nice scenarios.

My friends kids have been with them now 4 years and are completely different to how they were (in a positive sense). The kids decided early on to call my friends 'Mum' and 'Dad' and the youngest is getting treatment to help reduce the scars on her arms and body. These kids do at least know where they came from but my friends know one day their might be questions about why their biological parents did what they did.

madelaine

Thanks for your thoughts on this, I see what you are saying and life was so different back then, glad that times have changed, and wish everyone luck on being reunited if that is what they wish, as there is always two sides to a story.

McKneff

What I would like to add, is that you 'youngsters; thoughts today, what will they be like in 50 years on, If its changed so much in the last 50 years, what will it be 50 years hence. I dread to think,
Any thoughts as to what you, who are 20 years old now, what you are going to have to adapt to in 50 years time. If you see what I mean

We, who are in our 60s/70s now have had to adapt to so many 'modern' ways of thinking nowardays.
Ie, unmarried mothers, homosexuality, no cigarette advertising lol, we as 'pensioner' are far more understanding than any previous generation because we have seen so much change.

Darlyd

I just liked to add I am with your wife on this one kind off.

My husband was adopted at birth (he is now 42) I would love to find out his biological family history but am scared in pushing him into it. He didn't have the best up bringing, his adoptive mother suffered severe menopause as he and his adoptive sister were growing up, as you can imagine had a great impact on them both.

Talking of his sister, she contacted her biological mother few years back and got rejected, so it can happen. (she is an alcoholic/drug user and is dying from the disease)

He however got as far as phoning where his biological mother worked, she was out and that was it. (his ex 9 or so years ago pushed him to it).

I would love him to try again, but it's his decision, I have asked him few times would he, he is the same as you.

End of day it's your decision.

(My aunty adopted 2 kids out years ago and have always said she will welcome them with open arms.)

kingfisherblue

I think that although the OP's wife is keen for him to look for his biological parents, it should be his decision and he should not be pressured into doing something that he doesn't particularly want to do. She cites family health as a reason, but unless there are specific concerns, it isn't really a good enough reason. There are already two children, with a third on the way, and the OP has not stated that there are any disabilities or medical conditions that have caused concern.

I realise that the OP's wife may be concerned about future medical problems, but a family history does not necessarily mean that the OP or his children will develop any conditions. A good diet, exercise, and other preventative measures should suffice.

In addition, the OP may find that his birth parents are unable or unwilling to have him in their lives - assuming he is able to find both birth parents. If he doesn't, then he only has half the medical history anyway.

If he does find both, but doesn't like them or is rejected by them, this could have an effect on the OP's mental health - it could lead to lack of self esteem, reduced confidence, or even depression. I have seen this happen.

OP, as you don't have a burning desire to find your birth parents, I would tell your wife that you do not wish to pursue it. Maybe soften the blow by pointing out the time it will take and the emotional effect that it will have, at a time when you want to concentrate on your growing family.

Hermia

My friend ended up having to take a restraining order out against her biological mother! She had assumed that she had been some poor innocent lassie who had cruelly been made to give up her baby. It turned out that she was some vile and !!!!less woman who saw her newly-discovered daughter as a source of cash. When my friend refused to give her any more money the abusive phone calls and letters started. I don't think this is what normally happened, but I do think it shows that if you are going to trace your parents it's go to be because you need to do it so much that you are prepared to take the consequences.

zaksmum

My uncle adopted 2 kids in the late 1940s and never told them they were adopted till his wife passed away, as she had wished.

The adopted daughter became obsessed with tracing her birth mother, and my uncle was happy to help with what information he had.

It turned out the birth mother had been a prostitute who frequented the docks area of Liverpool, and the natural father had been a foreign sailor whose name the mother hadn't even known.

The adopted daughter was devastated and wished she hadn't bothered, especially when the (now elderly) natural mother realised the daughter had been adopted into an affluent family and pestered her non stop for money for years on end.

Sometimes these things are best left alone.

hazyjo

I was adopted as a baby. Yes, it's been tempting to trace, but it's such an unknown, there's too much that puts me off. If I knew all the circumstances, it might be different. All I know is that they were very young (at school I think) and that she was sent down from Yorkshire to Highgate to have me (in 1970).

I sometimes worry about my medical history, but I think so many other influences affect your health (diet, environment, stress, family, etc) that it's probably impossible to compare yours with a blood relative who probably lives somewhere completely different, with a different lifestyle.

tbh, I would rather not know my medical history. It's almost liberating not to be worrying about what I might die from! I'm a worrier about it anyway, but am sure I'd be worse if I knew what 'blood family' had died from. As it is now, my dad has had bowel cancer (now in lungs and previously in liver), glaucoma, cataracts... the list goes on. My sister came along 'naturally' so obviously I worry for her (especially with the amount of cancer in our family - an absolute ridiculous amount!).

Go with what you feel is right. For your wife, it's probably a bit of an adventure. People don't understand the emotions involved. If you traced, you'd either have someone else significant in your life full time/regularly (possibly a whole heap of people!), or you'd be rejected or you'd lose touch. It's a lot to deal with either way. I'm not sure I'd want that.

I did say if I ever had kids I'd probably feel more inclined to trace. Probably not so much for health reasons. I feel more drawn to looking at faces, bodies, seeing who I look like - that's the only thing that's 'lacking' as such in my life: family resemblance (although I think you take on characteristics of your family and people have often said things like 'blimey, we can guess who your mum is!' at events, etc).

Keep us informed!

Jx