Adoption and tracing birth parents....

lilibet1

unfortunately, i have a rather large amount of experience in this field over the past 22 years after finding out that my parents had a child adopted ten years before i was born in 1972. It has been a nightmare from start to finish and would i go through it again...not on your nelly! I sat in tears watching that programme last night (anything like that sets me off) and i would leave things as they are. Thats only my opinion as my brother that was adopted out and found us again is vile and has put me through so much, infact what he did to me was unforgiveable and i couldnt bear to set eyes on him again EVER. There was a good thing happen though and thats that his ex-partner and his children are lovely so i have got a bit of extended family there! They dont see him either as he is so horrid - even the lovely woman that adopted him is now in a home and he spent all her money running into 1,000,000's...

Sometimes the past is best left in the past x

VitaK

I agree this can be an emotional journey with twist and turns when you least expect it. If you do deside to go look for them it should be because you belive it could bring something to your lives. This is a huge commitment for you and your biological parents.

I dont like the idea to go look for them to find a medical past, that may or may not do you or your children any good. It may even cause unwated worries and regrets.

PaddyPaws

Rhysdad
I gave up my daughter for adoption in 1982 (yes, single parenthood was by then more acceptable, but I would have been disowned by my parents and made homeless so felt i had no choice)

Several of the posters on here have posted of negative experiences so I felt I should put the other side across and share some information which may put your partner's mind at rest for health issues.

Part of the process in the adoption was full disclosure of any health issues (this was when i learnt that my paternal grandmother was schizophrenic) so you may be able to learn about the health history of your birth parents by requesting your file from the agency that organised the adoption without taking it any further.

As a birth parent, my daughter was always in my thoughts and I always wondered if she was safe, happy and loved. I always hoped she would get in touch one day and I was very lucky that she got in touch with me when she was 21 with the help of her adoptive mother. My daughter has since told me that originally she just wanted to meet me and see what I was like, she had no intention of loving me (and she always tells me she loves me). In the 9 years since we met I've been lucky enough to be a guest at her wedding (I even went to tea at her parents house as part of the pre-wedding celebrations), spent time with her 3 beautiful children (who call me nanna) and I even went to stay with them for a week to help with the children when she went into hospital for a general anaesthetic last year. And the icing on the cake was last week when my eldest grand-daughter came to stay with me on her own as part of her 10th birthday celebrations last week. We live 200 miles apart but see each other 3 or 4 times a year and speak regularly on the phone. I will never be her 'Mum', that is the person who brought her up and nursed her when she was poorly, but I do have a special place in her life and love her dearly for the person she has become.

As a birth parent I couldn't be happier with how things have now worked out.

HTH
PP
xx

PaddyPaws

PS If my daughter had contacted me and then wanted no further contact I would have been sad but I would have accepted that as it had to be her choice where our relationship went.

fluffnutter

It's your choice, RHYSDAD. Whilst I understand your wife's concerns about genetic history I can't help thinking it's a bit of a smokescreen. Many, many people simply have little knowledge about their antecedents' health for all sorts of reasons; because they're adopted, because their parents died young, because things simply weren't discussed, because they were conceived using donor eggs or sperm. In the scheme of things, it's simply not that important to know - your kids will lead a happy and healthy life and the chances that genetic factors for health issues become important is pretty slim.

What would be an issue though, is for you to embark upon a journey that you're not ready for or not interested in. Learning more about birth parents is incredibly emotional and shouldn't be undertaken unless you have a real desire to do so. The upset this could cause your family will outweigh any possible (but unlikely) benefits you might gain in understanding a little more about your genetic risk factors for disease.

This is your choice, and yours alone and your wife must respect that.

KiKi

I watched last night's programme and sobbed my way through it. I can imagine, OP, that for your wife (and many people), she sees a lovely emotional reunion of tears and family and hugs and joy.

What that programme doesn't show you is the emotion that comes afterwards, the reunions that don't work out, the horrible outcomes that people find out but don't make it onto the show, the confusion, jealousy, anger - other issues that individuals may experience but don't get shown on the screen.

You are the one experiencing the emotions. It doesn't always work out. Your birth parents might not be the lovely middle class people with a lovely home and siblings waiting to meet you with open arms. The truth may be horrible.

You have two kids already, presumably with no health problems. There aren't that many genetic health problems that will help knowing about well ahead of time. You're probably more likely to get killed in a car crash*.

If you don't want to, then don't. You need to explain that to your wife and help her to understand why you feel what you feel, and she should respect that. If I was adopted (no chance of that; I'm the spitting image of my mum with the personality of my dad!) I wouldn't even want to know that, let alone want to find my real parents.

All the best
KiKi


* This level of probability is made up by me based on what seems likely in my head, given the number of cars and number of fatal genetic illness in the world.

Taadaa

I know how you and your wife feel. I don't know my bio father. I am pg with no 2 and don't know the answer to some of the midwife questions. And l saw heir hunters this morning, a woman found out after her father left he had another family, hwr half siblings, she knew nothing about. But l don't know all the circumstances of his leaving and my subsequent adoption by the man my mother married. I don't feel like there is anything missing from my life. And what if he turns out to be horrible? And what if l don't want anything to do with him but he won't leave me alone? What if he comes looking for me, worst of all? Sometimes it's best to let sleeping dogs lie. If you find things you don't like, it can never be undone and it might turn your life upside down - again - why give someone that power?

Gra76

RHYSDAD, I'm adopted too and my wife pushed me for months to try and find my biological parents.

Like you, I really wasn't bothered about finding them. As far as I was concerned the people who brought me up are my parents and that's all there was to it. I didn't want to know my biological family health history. I was quite happy plodding along from one day to the next not worrying about it.

I asked her to drop it, and she did. I've not thought about it since.

If you don't want to do it then don't do it. It's up to you ultimately.

harrys_nan

My mum and dad married during the war, she had me and moved to Canada as a war bride, couln't settle and came back home to uk. I didnt find my dad until I was 40. This was because my mum was getting upset that I never knew him, me, I wasn't bothered.
I dont regret seeing him in fact I'm glad I did, it was just a shame we lived so far apart and I only met him twice.
Never called him dad though to his face, just couldn't.

Errata

Just a word about inheriting any health problems. Some mothers may be completely unaware of inheritable health problems the father had.