Life advice please

Arcana

skattykatty: with a short term low paid job, I don't think I can expect any training at my work place.

verysillyguy06: There might not be a lot of 'we' mentioned but that's mainly cause I didn't want to put words in her mouth. Sure, she's not exactly on cloud nine. She's probably as depressed as me, although she's probably happier when the 4 of us are all in the house, so it's not as obvious. But I do know a thing or two that she does which I would categorise as 'depression related'. And yes, she's certainly lonely, when she's stuck with the baby by herself.

Koalamummy: my older son has a handful of friends within 3 min. walk, whom he plays football or video games with, so he's not nearly as lonely as we are.
I'm not aware of any baby groups in any near by parks, but she does go to the libary for 'baby reading time' once every week/fortnight.
There's no groups from our homelands nearby as we both come from small countries. Besides, there's tons of Indians and Somalians around where we live, and I hate this idea of going to another country and then just hanging out with people from your own contry, which a lot of these people seems to do......but that's whole other discussion in itself.

whitewing

Maybe your older son is lonely for his parents. Friends are great, but it's not the same as having parents who are interested in them, and each other. Do you and your wife regularly text each other. My DH was at work today and I texted him about 5 times thro the day, snippets of what we were up to. He doesn't answer as he can't use his personal mobile except in breaks but he is kept informed of the day to day stuff. It stops the frustration of saving it all up to tell him, and then him not being in a receptive frame of mind.

With DS, who is a teen, again if he's not with us for an afternoon, we just text bits annd bobs, letting him know what his sister is up to or something funny as it happens. DH texts him about football. It's just about easy, non-pressure updates.

We do talk in person too a lot!

koalamummy

All baby and toddler groups would be equally helpful. Even if it just gives a little support then at least it is some pressure taken from you. Your health visitor will be able to give a list of groups in your area if you contact them.

Sorry the groups for yourself were just as a starting point to get to meet other people who are in other clubs and groups in your area. I did not mean to offend.

zenmaster

Sounds like a classic mid-life crisis to me. Time for a stock take and a reality check. Bear in mind that the person who said "life begins at 40" was probably not in their 30s, and were speaking from experience.

I wouldn't get any thanks for this over on the depression board but the most accurate definition of depression (in my opinion) is "a shortfall of how you perceive your life to be and how you perceive that it should be".

To start, I suggest that you make a list of

1. Your idea of a perfect life
2. Where you thought you would be at 40, when you were 20

Make these lists in your head, on a scrap of paper or here, on an internet forum, where the world can read them. Compare those to the list you presented in your first post. What are the most significant differences?

My immediate concern is the lack of friends. Their most important function is as a safety valve. They allow you to have a moan in a safety zone. They will, most often, support you - "my wife blah blah blah" ... "oh yeah, women eh ..." or sometimes surprise you ... "whoa, you shouldn't have said that". It doesn't matter, it's a release. The same for your wife. Unless you are Mr. Perfect, I bet there's a few things about you she'd like to get off her chest.

It cuts both ways though, sometimes you have to be the listener.

We will be your surrogate friend, if you wish, until you find a real life one.

Arcana wrote: »

I've had a few music related acquantances, but music is such a wide thing so I've not managed to have any proper friends. What I mean, if one guy is into Rock and another into Hip hop they are both into music, but they are not really into the same thing at all though.

That is the lamest excuse I've ever heard. Music today is an incredible fusion of cultures and genres.

One more thing. You say neither you or your wife are indigenous nor of the same culture. Would you care to tell us your nationalities?

Sambucus_Nigra

Why is it ok for you to be on the computer all the time but not your step son? How is that a good role model for him?

Racheldevon

Hi,

There are lots of useful suggestions above.

I would suggest that in terms of your low mood, yuor first port of call should be your GP, who can assess properly (& refer you on for further support if necessary).

Contact your Health Visitor and ask for a home visit to discuss the various issues you raise in your post - they are there to support you up until 5 years, you typically won't have seen one for some time unless you were asking for support, however you are still entitled to it.

Have a look on google for your local sure start children's centre - every community has access to their services for families with children from 0-5 years. They provide a wide range of free services, including sessions/activities that will be aimed at your baby, through to free counselling service, to groups for people with post natal depression (you mention your wife has possible low mood, and it would be worth the Health Visitor carrying out the Edinburgh Post Natal Depression scale to assess and advise further - it doesn't always come on straight away).

Through your local sure start centre there might be an evening course or other activity you could do together as a family - in our area they often run programmes for parents of teenagers for example.

Consider asking your Health Visitor, or children's centre for a CAF (Common Assessment Framework), this is an entirely voluntary process, not one that involves social care, and can pull together a wide range of support and resources, (including support with debt which I think you mentioned).

There's lots out there if you're willing to explore the options open to you, best of luck

Arcana

whitewing: good idea about texting. I try to call my wife everyday during lunch break just to break up the monotony of her day, but texting could shorten the 'contact interval'.

koalamummy: we've found (well she) that the baby groups in our area only cater for babies that are just born, not when they are almost a year old.

Sambucus nigra: when I write a few lines in a forum without going into detail it's easy to take things out of context. Let's just say that I don't think it's healthy for him to play 14 hours a day.
In regards to my surfing, it's certainly my main thing, but keep in mind I also walk the dog twice, watch tv, help out with the baby, read books and play games as well - occasionally.

zenmaster: yes those list certainly don't match my current situation. Mid life crisis? If being in a job that's paid a lot less than what's to be expected for my age, having a wife who's had to drop uni and haven't had a job for almost 5 years, having no friends and family and lot of debt equals mid life crisis, then yes that's it. But I see those things as essentials for a good healthy life, regardless of my age.

You don't know how far you are off with your music comment.
To give you an idea....one of the lasts CDs I did had a fusion of electronica with various world music genres from all over the world. Basically it had Salsa, Flamenco and about 6 other genres on it so that has nothing to do with me not having music friends.
The only guy I've found which I've clicked with musically is based in Slovenia. Call it lame, but being a composer is really a one man job, it's not like being part of a band.

Oh, and I'm from Scandinavia and my wife from the Caribbean by the way.

RachelDevon: Good advice, we have used sure start a lot, but as I mentioned earlier they do seem to cater mostly to new borns. I will contact the GP though and look into CAF, so thanks for that.

Racheldevon

Hi,

I manage two sure start centres, so although services in terms of groups will vary from area to area they are required to provide services from 0-5. In this respect the family support team at the centre will be able to do a CAF (GPs don't do CAFs), but your children's centre certainly will. Hope it goes well

skattykatty

It really sounds like you a trying to see what can be done about the situation you are in as a family.

If you scored that high on the depression tests - going to the doctor is a sound next step for you. There are a lot of suggestions here, but I imagine it's difficult to act on anything for the good of anyone if you are not feeling good in yourself. So look at how you can get support. The GP may be able to signpost you to free counselling services, these are probably more prevalent in urban parts of the country.

Composing is a solitary activity I imagine - I wonder if you can begin using online social networks to begin making contacts in your field? I say this because since my partner, who works in an arts field, started using facebook PURELY PROFESSIONALLY - he has managed to make some great contacts AND has even begun making friends (which is great as his job is totally isolating!)

I think comparing what is to what could have been is not only a waste of time but pointless. You need support to cope with and deal with where you are at. Only then will things change. Take a step and see your GP. It has taken a long time to get to this point. BUT by questioning on this forum and reaching out you have already taken a first step. Already you have opened up possibilities.

Lara44

Hi Arcana

First of all so sorry to hear you are feeling down. Although you might not feel you have many friends, MSE is one of the best places for support. You have friends (or friends-in-waiting) here!

It seems there are a few issues bothering you right now:

1. Feeling down
Don't the any chances on your mental health. Book a visit to the GP and have an honest talk with him or her. You would be right to do this - don't think you are wasting anyone's time. You can decide with your GP what next steps to take. Counselling is available on the NHS, so definitely suggest that to your Dr. If you are suffering with depression it makes everything feel difficult and uncertain. Regular exercise like walking your dog can be positive for mental health, see here.

2. Money, work and debts
Although you don't mention much about your debts in your post, don't underestimate how much out of control finances can affect your sense of wellbeing. There is an incredible group of people ready to support you in the Debt Free Wanabee section of this forum. Have you spent any time there? If not, read some of the debt free diaries and see how people are managing their current situations. There is always a way to sort out financial problems. Why don't you think about making a post there? Read this link on how to post a statement of affairs. You could link to this thread as well so people know how you are feeling. It is very stressful having to manage on a low income, and people do understand that and will give you good advice.

3. Relationships within the family
It seems that family relationships are not where you want them to be. It's definitely difficult with a teenager and a new baby - these are the most difficult years in parenting! It would be good to re-connect with your wife. Can you start to curb your internet use in the evenings and spend more time talking? Sometimes just turning off all possible distractions and eating a meal together can create a nice moment. Silly things like playing cards or board games can be fun. Helping around the house is important. Can you do chores like cooking and cleaning together? Small actions can create big and positive differences. Things like making each other tea, making breakfast can create a sense of support between you and your wife. Can each of you have some time alone out of the house, doing a hobby? Do you make plans on the weekend? Often there's a lot of local activities for kids that don't cost a lot. If you need some more help at home there are organisations such as Home Start that give volunteer parenting support.

4. Friends outside the family
If you are feeling depressed you might find it difficult to make new friends. It's not a bad reflection on you that you don't connect with that many people. You are still a good person. You mentioned doing hobbies a bit before - did you enjoy that? Maybe just reconnect with these hobbies and don't worry about making friends too much. Perhaps it's more important just to get out of the house and meeting new people.

Changing things is hard and takes time. Don't try to take on too much at once. Do see your Doctor. You sound really tired and in need of some help. Do chat with your wife. Working together as a team you can support each other much better than muddling through alone. You can find a lot of help and support on here, especially in the DFW forum. It's okay to post there without knowing your exact financial situation. Just chat and let off steam.