Life advice please

Arcana

Writing this is quite difficult for me as I've never really talked about it before.
Basically, I'm in my late 30s and are feeling rather hopeless about everything. I've never been assessed but if I try to be objective about my life I'd say I am quite depressed. A few things ....

- I am married, have a baby and a teen son.
I argue quite a bit with my wife. Perhaps that's normal when you have a young baby and a teen son, but it certainly doesn't help.
If I was to point out of biggest faults I'd say:
My wife can get a bit aggressive and swear quite a bit.
My biggest issue is probably that I'm quite introverted - spends a lot of time on the internet, just to kill time really. And I'm not as helpful as I should be around the house.

The whole family situation has got so bad that:
1.once my stepson attempted to run away. 4 hours later, after police had visited us, he returned.
2. I've walked out of the house a couple of time during an argument, and once I've stayed in a hotel for the night. In hindsight, that was perhaps not the best decision but it seemed so at the time.
3. Recently I had to physically restrain him as he freaked out when we told him he couldn't play more video games that day. Admittedly, I was probably partially to blame for it getting that far.

- Neither of us have any family in this country, and if I'm honest, not any friends either. The closest is a guy I basically use as a babysitter for the teen, and he mostly use me to lend him money. He's also a lot older than me, so it's quite limited what we have in common. These days I don't use him as babysitter much either as we don't really go out - due to the baby. Him babysit the baby? No, that won't happen. Let's just say he's not capable of that.

My wife don't have friends either. A couple of acquaintances that she speaks to once a year, but that's it. So yeah, I realised that you don't have to be alone to be lonely

- My wife is unemployed - stays home with baby, which is fair enough as baby is not even a 1 year old. She had to drop Uni due to various reasons, and have not had a job in the last year. It's getting more and more difficult for her to get a job as there's now a gap on the CV (unemployed for over a year). Being mid 30s this is not a great situation to be in.

- I have a new job - but it's a short contract and low pay, and all the guys I work are like 10-15 years younger than me, which is a bit depressing in itself as I have the same position as them. I don't have an education so it's hard to get a decent job. I'm a music composer by night, but making a living of that seems more and more distant.

- Quite a lot of debt which has built up over the years. Not sure exactly why, but probably because we have pretty much always survived on one income. It's gotten so bad now that there has been months where I haven't checked my statement as it would only get me more depressed.

Even as I write this I think I'm a bit of a whiner, cause health wise we are ok, and it's not like we have anyone close to us who's dying either. But with no friends, no family, no money and no job/poorly paid, short contract job - I just don't see much to be happy about.
Would you be depressed if you were in my situation? Maybe I just need to grow some hair on my chest, dunno.

I've thought about councelling but AFAIK it's not exactly free is it, and I don't see how that would help in regards to us not having friends/family/job and large debt?

Carl31

If life is lonely, would it not make sense to be with your friends and family? Where you can get assistance with the baby, socialise and have a life? It sounds like youre just prisoners here

Arcana

I didn't mention that we've lived here for over 10 years now, so it's kind of limited what amount of friends we have abroad. Sure, we have family but my wife is not too keen on my home country as it's perhaps not 'international' enough, and I think we both agree that we wouldn't know what to do with ourselves in her home country as living standards are quite poor and jobs are far in between - particularly IT related jobs as I'm experienced in.
Oh, and our home countries are like 4000 miles apart.
But otherwise I'd agree Carl

whitewing

I think you are 'down' rather than fully-fledged depressed at the moment, although it is very difficult to judge from an internet post.

You have a baby so probably are getting interrupted sleep. That is a killer.

I think you would see an enormous difference in everybody if you started to show more of an interest in the family. I am not a natural mother and I was desperate sometimes for DH to take her the minute he came home. I know it felt to him that the baby was dumped on him but sometimes I was so jealous that he got to go out without it taking forever and a day to leave the house.

Is you health visitor any good? Mine's a gem. Could you all meet up with her, if she is around this week, and get some tips on how to make things better. Get the sibling involved in the appt too if you can, you need to be a single unit with 4 team members, not a fractured, unhappy resentful family.

Arcana

Not sure where the line between 'down' and 'depressed' is, but this is not my 'feeling of the week'. I've felt this way for years. Just never mentioned it.
Sure the baby certainly makes life a lot harder. As I mentioned, particularly the fact that we can't go out at all really. On the other hand, yes, the baby can also really brighten my day.
I can't remember the last time the health visitor was here, it's been months. She was here a lot the first month or two, but rarely now that the baby is older. I actually thought she wasn't gonna come anymore, but I might be wrong.
I do try to help out a bit with the baby when I come home but by the time we've eaten and I've been out with the dog she's usually asleep. But yeah, you're right, I'm sure I could show more interest in the family - just find it hard to show much interest in anything these days to be honest.

whitewing

The lines between down and depressed are blurred. It is really that there are so many external factors currently that could be affecting your feelings that it may be worth addressing some of them before seeing your GP about you on your own.

You or your wife could phone the health visitor and ask for a visit. Different families have different needs, so they may have felt they weren't needed so often. They are available to support you while the child is under 5.

When you family is getting more support, then you will see if your mood starts to lift. If it doesn't, then you can consider visiting your GP and maybe seeing if anti d's are appropriate. Of course, if you are having suicidal thoughts you do need to be contacting NHS Direct or your doctor as soon as possible.

Does your work have a confidential counselling system. (Check your induction materials from when you started). This is often completely separate from the company so can be a safe and quicker means of talking support.

COMPETITIONFANATIC

I agree that you sound not depressed as you do have valid reasons for feeling down and depression is normally fr no good reason.

Might worth visiting your GP for advice though.

Sounds like your lack of friends is due to not being settled in your job if you keep moving from job to job it will be impossible to make friends. Also if you get a perm job then you are more likely to go up the ladder hence get better pay.

In regards to debt seek debt councelling advice and follow the forums here..

Also recommend easing the situation at home, you maybe lonely but maybe helping at home could realy improve your relationship, just doinglittle things like washing up or running a bath for your wife could bring surprising results to her if she is rund down with the family.

Again you have one friend you ay you use each other but Im sure their are other things that are god about your relationship, buid on that actually do something fun together and impriove that relationship, he may have friends that you can get to know.

Have you thought about joining some clubs to make friends , maybe something in music that you enjoy just as long as it dosent put a strain on your marriage unless you dont want to be with your wife anymore I note no mention of love and companianship etc

Im sure your wife can get a job as a gap for a year is nothing especially when one has a baby to care for.

You do sound down but have valid reaosns try to make postive steps to change this , it cant be done overnight but will take effort -you sound like you are beginning the process and do want change.

skattykatty

('depression is normally for no good reason'!!!! I am rather taken aback by this comment.)

It sounds like there has been an accumulation of factors that have led to you writing on this forum. The fact that you are able to 'see' that things aren't how you would hope is the first step to gathering the support you and your family need to move on.

I'm wondering if you and your wife have tended to do just enough to get by? Perhaps this isn't enough for you any more. Is there anything either of you are interested in, passionate about, anything that brings a smile to your face apart from family? I wonder if you now feel that the older child hasn't been given consistent enough boundaries and is now kicking against you, as teenagers kind of need to do really. I wonder where his energy goes?

I agree with COMPETITIONFANATIC that 'little' things can mean a great deal when life is so stressful. I wonder if you and your wife can sit down and work out what 'little' things you could do for each other? It may be as simple as asking about each other's day (this can really get lost when things are difficult).

Where can you get support with the baby, even with the teenager. If you are on a low income, maybe there is a way of getting support to go on to further training. Can your place of work pay/offer you further training? Is there anything your wife would like to do that will get her into work that she enjoys? (a year's gap for looking after baby isn't the end of the world)

Though it sounds like you need to take stock of where you are. Where things are going right. What you would like to be better. And decide on what to do more of and what to change. Only then can you look into how.

One step at a time.

I would also like to say - give yourselves a round of applause for making your way in, what would have been at one point, a foreign country, getting together and making it work to date. What energy, what drive. It is still somewhere, when you discover it within you both again - who knows what might happen!

One step at a time....

Arcana

A couple of things....

In terms of friendships...
I guess I've already tried a few clubs....tried a few churches, but don't really feel that spiritual anymore.
Then I went to a free running club for almost a year. Managed to have a 'semi-friend' while there, but we've lost contact.
I've had a few music related acquantances, but music is such a wide thing so I've not managed to have any proper friends. What I mean, if one guy is into Rock and another into Hip hop they are both into music, but they are not really into the same thing at all though.

I was in one job for 6 years but with only 4 employees, there wasn't a great deal of options in terms of friendships.

I've gone to the gym for several years, never managed to make any friends there though.

No, I'm not suicidal. More like the, 'can't be arsed to get out of bed cause I've got nothing to contibute to anything' - state.

In terms of being with the wife.... I'd like to think that I do but everything is a big foggy atm. Not sure what I want or what I don't want. I guess when things are not going my way, it's easy to blame it on her.

I do want to help out more at home so thanks for that advice. I guess I just need a kick up the backside to actually do it.

EDIT:
Not sure if remotely accurate, but with all these replies about me feeling down I did the 'Goldbergs depression test' and scored 51. Over 54 is severe depression. Even scoring 21 is 'minor depression'.

Another test put me in 'mild depression' so who knows.

koalamummy

Arcana please go and see your GP. Depression can take on an endless multitude of symptoms, as can many other conditions that are initially missed due to low mood being the most obvious symptom.

Are there any free/low cost activities in your area available for the older child? He will react to the stress and tension at home and some time away for an hour or so may help calm the waters.

Are there any public parks nearby? Most have a parent/child walker/stroller group running which may benefit your wife as I am guessing that she probably feels a bit stifled by her lack of social contact. It would also help with her self confidence, (which for most women dips a little after the birth of a child) which in turn will help her employment prospects.

You also need some release from the constant stress of your current situation. Are there any groups relating to your original homeland that would interest you? Any sports you previously enjoyed? Most areas have free runners/joggers groups owing to our terrible health statistics...could you face joining one of those?

Sorry if this is unhelpful.

verysillyguy06

No, it is not that unusual really especially at the moment with the season. Being lonely can take many forms. Is your wife not lonely? Cannot see much of 'we' in your posts. Sorry not meaning to be mean but just factual...do more in the home, spend time with your stepson, play the games with him? if you do more your wife would be less tired and you both may be better with you and you both could find something to get enthuse about?

Lack of sleep as mentioned is a great contributor to low feelings. I think your solutions are there 'inside' the circle at first....any reason why you are looking 'outside'?