Friendship - Am I over-reacting?

lady1964

scooterpig wrote: »

I moved overseas so maybe I can put another perspective on things.

Friendships undoubtedly suffer when someone moves away. Despite all the promises to keep in touch it seldom works that way. My closest friends were terrible at keeping in touch when I moved, despite me regularly emailing them. It hurt a lot. Two of them didn't even send me a birthday card, even though I was in the UK at the time and had brought over Christmas, birthday and baby gifts.

If you have any holiday time people expect you to spend it travelling back to the UK. If you don't people complain. When you do come back there is a huge pressure to see everyone. If you miss anyone they get miffed. It's not a holiday, it's stressful and it's expensive. You're expected to run around here there and everywhere. People expect you to fit in, which is fine, but no one ever says, 'I know you've got a lot of people to see, why don't I come to you to save you a bit of running around'. (Also, if they come to visit in your foreign location, they expect you to drop everything to entertain them and do the tourist thing). The resentment that a lot of folk have that you've moved abroad comes to the surface (you can't make a comment about the rain without a bitter 'it's alright for you living in the sunshine' or whatever). They don't realise that living abroad isn't the same as a holiday - you have the same trials and tribulations of daily life as anyone else.

I was back in the UK at Christmas, and frankly, I wish I hadn't bothered. It cost me over $2500 to go back. It was stressful and chaotic and people moaned that you couldn't see them on x date and I had to travel the length and breadth of the country trying to please everyone. I have one really lovely friend I wanted to see who totally understood the situation but we never got a chance to get together.

I know this is not unusual - I have a large group of expat friends who all say the same thing. I've realised all relationships are a two-way street - if people aren't going to make the effort with me, why should I do all the running.

Good grief, are you me???? lol

I feel exactly the same way. When we lived overseas 20 years ago, I had 2 small kids and some family expected me to get on trains to visit - with buggies, cases & 2 small kids when they had a car and could come to me!!

I just want to spend my precious time with my dd's - not seen 2 of them for 3 months, we're visiting my sister & her family because they don't drive but the in-laws are coming to me. So far, no-one has been offended that we aren't seeing them.

ZsaZsa

Scooterpig has said it all much better than me, but I'll add my bit. Whenever I go home I really struggle to fit everyone in, and I dont always tell some friends that Im going to be back as I feel terrible that I cant see everyone each time I'm back. I also have to fit in around their busy lives too, I dont expect anyone to drop everything just to see us. As a result, it can be several visits before I manage to see some friends (and family). Fortunately some of these friendships remain as yours, that we can pick up where we left off despite the months inbetween. Other friendships are starting to wane a bit as time passes, but to be honest I expect that anyway, regardless of where I'm living,some friendships just simply dont last a lifetime. It sounds as though this lady is a good friend, just pick up the phone and let her know you need her

Sambucus_Nigra

Molly - she might just not want to put upon you. knowing you are ill. Perhaps invite her over for one of the next times rather than leave it up to her to mention. I have a chum who has moved near where my bro and mo are - and I struggle to see them all and that's only 3 hours from me.

Ich_2

It's not only ex-pats, we live 2 hrs from "home" used to vist regularly and often got coments about not seeing folk. As time went by we stayed in our new home more and started getting the "you don't visit" comments. we started pointing out that they never visited us to be told "oh but it's too far to travel"
Go figure

Molly41

Again i thank you for taking the time to reply. I always travel to see her - well my husband takes me - as I do know that she is pulled in every direction when she is in the uk.

Im feeling much more positive about it now. I had a difficult day and will leave it be for now. I wont hassle her this visit and see how things pan out over the year. I mean a year is nothing in the lifetime of a friendship x

skypie123_2

Little_Leita wrote: »

Some friendships need to be worked at in order to keep them going, and some don't - they are easy and always there - these are the best kind, they're the ones that stand the test of time.

Leita that's beautiful. Really resonated with me, because I have friendships just like that.

the_cat

Perhaps knowing your poor health she didn't want to suggest a meet that she thought would tire you out.... ie She didn't want to impose

I'd put a friendly line or two in your next conversation that you'd seen she had been back and hoped she had a nice time and to let you know if she plans another visit as you would like to meet if you can

euronorris

There_Goes_Trouble wrote: »

I have a friend in the Channel Islands who regularly visits the mainland without visiting me despite being one of my closest friends. She simply can't fit all of her friends into each visit, and she prioritises her family which is fair enough. You need more info on the reason behind her visits before you jump to conclusions about your friendship.

This! ^^

It's most likely, and it's the problem I have when visiting the UK. Plus, so many people expect you to go here, there and everywhere to see them. I don't particularly want to travel around so much during my holiday time. Plus it's expensive. I'm often only there for 3 or 4 days, so my time is VERY limited. I just can't possibly see all my family, personal friends & work friends in that time. Heck, I can't even manage it with a full week there!

And, sometimes I only come over for specific reasons. In the last 3 years, I've been over for 2 family weddings, 2 new births within the family, a funeral, 70th Birthday celebration and health issues with the BIL.

And then, there is one weekend in May, which is reserved for me. I go to a fan convention, of my favourite show, and have fun. The only friends I see there are also fans of the show. The location is nowhere near any family or friends, so I can't see them during this time.

I do have 2 friends that I am still very close with, and we make an effort to have a couple of weekends together each year. Taking it in turns to visit each other (1 is in Bath, 1 in Kent, and me here).

But, I'll be honest, I don't make the effort for friends who I am not that close to. I just don't have the time. It doesn't stop some of them getting angry with me about it, despite them knowing the reasons for some of my visits, and that we aren't all that close anymore. I still get grief for not making time for them. And tbh, that total lack of understanding makes me less and less inclined to make an effort with them.

All of this is from my POV though. Your friend's may be different. The only way you'll really know is to ask her.

euronorris

Ich wrote: »

It's not only ex-pats, we live 2 hrs from "home" used to vist regularly and often got coments about not seeing folk. As time went by we stayed in our new home more and started getting the "you don't visit" comments. we started pointing out that they never visited us to be told "oh but it's too far to travel"
Go figure

Yeah, my parents experienced that too. They come from the North of the UK, but moved to the South East about 30 years ago now. Even when all of us were young, and they did a visit 'home', their own siblings expected them to traipse around, with 5 kids in tow, to see each of them separately!!!

I guess that is why my parents are so understanding of my limited time, and travel limitations. Bless them, they do try to drive me anywhere I need, or want, to go.

Mojisola

Molly41 wrote: »

My oldest friend (30 years plus) lives in Germany so I dont see her very much - once a year at Christmas. We are both bad at keeping in touch, but have the sort of friendship that has survived over the years and when we see each other or talk it is like we have never been apart.

Molly41 wrote: »

I think that my expectations are probably too high now, especially as I have been ill for the past three years. I think I will just quietly withdraw and let time do its stuff.

Molly41 wrote: »

It is true that our friendship is one that has a lot of unspoken understanding. We have a shared history and when we see each other or talk it is like we have never been apart. my issue is that I am really struggling at the moment with my health and I need her but I dont want to impose myself. I guess that it why I have felt so hurt by not seeing her. Im sure she is not aware and hence my question as to whether I am overacting as I really dont want to upset her.

A steadfast friend would want to know if you needed her support but you don't have to meet face to face to get that.

Can you make contact with her more often - email, Skype, phone, etc, so that you can chat about things and get the support you need?