Friendship - Am I over-reacting?

Molly41

My oldest friend (30 years plus) lives in Germany so I dont see her very much - once a year at Christmas. We are both bad at keeping in touch, but have the sort of friendship that has survived over the years and when we see each other or talk it is like we have never been apart.

However I have recently found out that she has been visiting England more frequently and has not made contact with me. I am very hurt by this as I thought that she would have wanted to see me. I am quite ill so cannot fly to see her but i always make the effort to go over and see her when she is England. Im not sure if this is just a mountain out of a molehill or whether I have cause to doubt our friendship after all these years. Any thoughts would be very much appreciated.

flutterby_lil

I'd be deeply hurt.

How did you find out she has been over, is it true or just someone causing trouble?

Maybe she has just been over for work purposes, or a flying visit (excuse the pun lol) to see sick relatives, or for a specific purpose that has meant she has done what she needed to and has had to go back due to time restrictions/flight times.

I would get the facts first before jumping to conclusions or calling an end on your friendship.

poet123

I suppose it depends on why she has been visiting. If it is because of a family issue then she has probably had more on her mind or been tied up dealing with whatever it is, if it was a purely social visit then again it depends on the distance and timings. Who told you?

picnmix

I suppose it depends on why she has been visiting England, if she has been coming on extended jolly's near to you and seeing lots of other people then their may be a problem in the way you are both viewing your friendship, but if it is for specific reasons, or a fair distance from you, then I wouldn't worry.

You say that you are both bad at keeping in touch, and only see each other once a year, maybe your friendship has waned a little. I have a best friend who lives miles away, even though we only see each other a few times a year, we text/speak/email every couple of weeks. I do know that sometimes she visits the city closest too me, but it doesn't bother me if she doesn't let me know, so we can arrange to see each other - she is my best-friend (of 30 years aswell) but I appreciate that our lives have changed and moved on and that we both have other friends in our lives, so long as we are both happy with our friendship thats all that matters.

Nicki

Hmmm. I'd be inclined to say you have different expectations of the friendship.

My OH and I are still very good friends with our social group from university who all live in the same town, whereas we live in London. We see them as a group once a year, every year without fail and its as though we have never been apart. Oh and we exchange Christmas cards. They have been an important part of our lives for 25 years now, and if the chips were down any one person in that group would help any other one however they could. But I would not be in the least offended if I discovered they had been in London and had not arranged to see me, nor would I feel obligated to visit them if I were visiting their home town.

A 30 year old friendship which has dwindled to once a year contact isn't usually one which puts a great deal of obligation on either side in my view, and I suspect your friend may feel the same way and would be astounded to know you were offended.

There_Goes_Trouble

I have a friend in the Channel Islands who regularly visits the mainland without visiting me despite being one of my closest friends. She simply can't fit all of her friends into each visit, and she prioritises her family which is fair enough. You need more info on the reason behind her visits before you jump to conclusions about your friendship.

VfM4meplse

Maybe your friend didn't want to impose on you, knowing that you're not well? I would carry on as before and act none the wiser. Spell your feelings out if you miss her Christmas visit.

Many years ago, I had an ex-b/f that lived abroad. He came back to the UK for a weekend after we had rekindled the relationship (I'd been out to visit him) but didn't change his plans to include me. I was crushed but at least I knew where I stood in the pecking order of his priorities - not even the bottom rung.

Molly41

Many thanks for all your responses.
She is visiting her family and other friends. I know this as she let it drop during her Christmas visit and has now written it on her blog so straight from her.

I think that my expectations are probably too high now, especially as I have been ill for the past three years. I think I will just quietly withdraw and let time do its stuff.

BugglyB

To add another spin on this, my brother lives abroad and often doesn't tell people when he comes back, so he doesn't offend them by not visiting, or have to explain why he doesnt want them to visit him. Once he came back for a friends stag do and didn't tell our parents or grandparents, just me! And he didnt see me, just told me in case anything bad happened to him

BugglyB

Sorry, cross posted with you. I hope you dont feel too bad about it. I love your signature, btw.

picnmix

Molly41 wrote: »

Many thanks for all your responses.
She is visiting her family and other friends. I know this as she let it drop during her Christmas visit and has now written it on her blog so straight from her.

I think that my expectations are probably too high now, especially as I have been ill for the past three years. I think I will just quietly withdraw and let time do its stuff.

I don't think anyone is suggesting you withdraw from your friendship, if you do keep in contact and see each other at Xmas, then there is a friendship there, its just as time, circumstances and life move on, we have to accept and understand that our childhood friends are going to have new people in their life, some that come and go and some that stay. Don't judge your friendship on what she is doing with other people. Call her, have a chat and mention that the next time she is around you would love to see her. She would probably be mortified if she realised you felt so hurt, but sometimes it is really hard to fit everything in. If you last saw her at Xmas, maybe the friends she saw this time were not seen on that visit. I know that when I go back up North I have to plan with milatary precision my visits with family and friends, I could not possibley fit everyone in so the next time I go I try to alter who I see on the friends and family front.