Friendship - Am I over-reacting?

Little_Leita

I have a friend like this too - her parents live 5 miles away and she visits them every six weeks or so but we only meet up once or twice a year. No biggie...we're like you and your friend though, when we do meet up it's like I saw her yesterday.

I suspect that your friend is just secure in the knowledge that your friendship will always be there. Some friendships need to be worked at in order to keep them going, and some don't - they are easy and always there - these are the best kind, they're the ones that stand the test of time.

Molly41

It is true that our friendship is one that has a lot of unspoken understanding. We have a shared history and when we see each other or talk it is like we have never been apart. my issue is that I am really struggling at the moment with my health and I need her but I dont want to impose myself. I guess that it why I have felt so hurt by not seeing her. Im sure she is not aware and hence my question as to whether I am overacting as I really dont want to upset her.

balletshoes

Molly41 wrote: »

It is true that our friendship is one that has a lot of unspoken understanding. We have a shared history and when we see each other or talk it is like we have never been apart. my issue is that I am really struggling at the moment with my health and I need her but I dont want to impose myself. I guess that it why I have felt so hurt by not seeing her. Im sure she is not aware and hence my question as to whether I am overacting as I really dont want to upset her.

I don't think you expect your friend to know that you need her, do you? So I think you should tell her you'd love to see her next time she's in England, especially as you've been ill and it would be a great pick-me-up for you.

I don't see a lot of my family, or sometimes my close friends, when I go "home" to visit - I just don't have time to fit everything in. But if I knew someone really wanted to see me, just to catch up even, I'd make the effort for them . I'm sure your friend would too, if she knew how you feel.

Ich_2

We've been back to where we were brought up on a number of occasions without telling family/friends we are there. It gives us a chance and time to remember places without the need to spend days visiting folk.
Having said that we're going to see friends at Easter and will pass another friend's house on the way there and back, told her that we're unlikely to have time to call in.

Little_Leita

Molly41 wrote: »

It is true that our friendship is one that has a lot of unspoken understanding. We have a shared history and when we see each other or talk it is like we have never been apart. my issue is that I am really struggling at the moment with my health and I need her but I dont want to impose myself. I guess that it why I have felt so hurt by not seeing her. Im sure she is not aware and hence my question as to whether I am overacting as I really dont want to upset her.

Is she aware of how poorly you are? Next time you speak maybe tell her how things are at the moment and that you'd love to see her for a catch-up next time she visits. That's not an imposition at all - we all need our friends sometimes flower.

CH27

Molly41 wrote: »

It is true that our friendship is one that has a lot of unspoken understanding. We have a shared history and when we see each other or talk it is like we have never been apart. my issue is that I am really struggling at the moment with my health and I need her but I dont want to impose myself. I guess that it why I have felt so hurt by not seeing her. Im sure she is not aware and hence my question as to whether I am overacting as I really dont want to upset her.

I think you need to to tell her you miss her & need her.

sarymclary

My oldest friend lives abroad. She visits the UK once or twice a year. One year she visited, and only her immediate family and me were told, as she didn't want any of her other good friends here to be offended about not visiting them, or inviting them to visit them at their holiday home, etc.

The reason being that they don't visit often. The visits to the family, whilst lovely, are tiring, sleeping in different beds, moving around different homes/parts of country to get them all done. They had a few days set aside as their family summer holiday just my friend, her husband, and their kids. Other family not invited. We'd been out of touch for ages, recently reconnected, and she invited us over for a day or two, but asked me not to post anything on my facebook to that effect, as she didn't want other friends to know, so as not to offend them. It wasn't personal, it's just that they wanted a break from all the hoo-ha.

I know my friend has come over a couple of times since for brief visits with her children as treats, or family visits, and I've not seen her. Sometimes I know about it beforehand, other times I find out afterward. I don't feel offended, because I understand that she has to spread herself so thinly, and her friends and family back in the UK all want to see her, but she can't get round to them all, whilst still wanting to have the benefit of a break themselves. They work hard abroad, accommodate a lot of visitors each year at their home, so I think they deserve to be able to do the occasional visit over here quietly without too much hassle.

Perhaps your friend knows you might have been excited to know she was coming over, and would have suggested she visit, and wanted to avoid disappointing you? She may have kept quiet about it for all the right reasons. The fact that when you do meet up things are still good would be reason enough for me to not want to turn my back on such a long-term friendship. Life can be busy, hectic and demanding. The joy of long-standing friends is that they understand, and are the sort of relationships where you can just pick up again after a break.

Don't be too hard on her, but perhaps drop into the conversation that she must find it hard to visit all her friends/relatives on her visits, and ask how she manages? That might open up the dialogue for her to explain, and for you not to feel bad about it anymore?

scooterpig

I moved overseas so maybe I can put another perspective on things.

Friendships undoubtedly suffer when someone moves away. Despite all the promises to keep in touch it seldom works that way. My closest friends were terrible at keeping in touch when I moved, despite me regularly emailing them. It hurt a lot. Two of them didn't even send me a birthday card, even though I was in the UK at the time and had brought over Christmas, birthday and baby gifts.

If you have any holiday time people expect you to spend it travelling back to the UK. If you don't people complain. When you do come back there is a huge pressure to see everyone. If you miss anyone they get miffed. It's not a holiday, it's stressful and it's expensive. You're expected to run around here there and everywhere. People expect you to fit in, which is fine, but no one ever says, 'I know you've got a lot of people to see, why don't I come to you to save you a bit of running around'. (Also, if they come to visit in your foreign location, they expect you to drop everything to entertain them and do the tourist thing). The resentment that a lot of folk have that you've moved abroad comes to the surface (you can't make a comment about the rain without a bitter 'it's alright for you living in the sunshine' or whatever). They don't realise that living abroad isn't the same as a holiday - you have the same trials and tribulations of daily life as anyone else.

I was back in the UK at Christmas, and frankly, I wish I hadn't bothered. It cost me over $2500 to go back. It was stressful and chaotic and people moaned that you couldn't see them on x date and I had to travel the length and breadth of the country trying to please everyone. I have one really lovely friend I wanted to see who totally understood the situation but we never got a chance to get together.

I know this is not unusual - I have a large group of expat friends who all say the same thing. I've realised all relationships are a two-way street - if people aren't going to make the effort with me, why should I do all the running.

lady1964

I have recently moved overseas but to a different continent as well and I'm currently on my first visit back. I'm spending time with my dd's and not going to see my parents - they've just spent 12 days with us overseas, literally got back the day after me. I will see my sister and her family - not seen them since October and my in-laws - not seen them since Xmas and I've caught up with friends in a group. That's it, I'm not spending my precious family time travelling around to see anyone else and I don't mean to offend either.

We're next back in August for just 6 days, mainly for my in-laws 50th wedding anniversary party, I won't get time to see my parents/sister etc and they understand that as we're so short of time and distance is a big factor as well.

I agree with what others have put, let your friend know you miss her and that if she has time, you would be delighted to see her. It's probably best not to pressure her as she may feel really bad that she can't fit you in, perhaps suggest every other visit she could call round?

I don't think you are too needy, you must miss your friend and that's understandable but from experience (I lived overseas 20 years ago as well and could never fit in visits to everyone, I had to prioritise) putting too much pressure on your friend may mean she feels it's too much.

Hermia

BugglyB wrote: »

To add another spin on this, my brother lives abroad and often doesn't tell people when he comes back, so he doesn't offend them by not visiting, or have to explain why he doesnt want them to visit him.

I do similar in that I have a friend who lives quite far from me. If I am travelling to her part of the world, but simply don't have time to meet her (e.g. I'm visiting family) I don't tell her. She is very thin-skinned and will get offended that I didn't meet her even if I showed her my schedule!

OP - your friend can't be expected to know what is going on in your life if you haven't told her. Just drop her a line telling her about your health issues and saying you would love to see her if she gets the chance to come over.