Visiting someone in a nursing home

onlyroz

jojo_2012 wrote: »

I think after an initial settling in period it would be reasonable to visit with the same frequency you did when they lived at home. If anything they're having more social interaction in the home as it is.

I would agree with this. If you were close before then continue to be close now. If you were not so close then you should not suddenly feel an obligation just because the relative is now sick. Particularly when it comes to dementia and the relative might not even know who you are anymore.

Fosterdog

I used to visit my great uncle twice a week, he was like a granddad to me. I was in college around the corner from the home he was in and it was too much for his daughter to visit every day as her husband was also very ill at the time. My mam went once a week.

Between all of the family he had at least one visitor a day but we would try to have someone with him most days for half an hour in the morning and half in the afternoon.

By the end he only remembered his daughter, he thought my mam was a childhood friend of his and he thought the rest of us were just random people, although he'd forget us from one day to the next. We were lucky that he never got too upset or confused, he just seemed to lose 50 years and think we were all people he knew in the 50s.

SandC

If it's stressful for her then she should step back and go every other day. Like others have said, if the relative wasn't visited every day at home by someone then there isn't the need for it now. What matters is that she is happy with the care she is receiving at the home. She is not on her own in there.

My dad was in a nursing home for 9 years and was very poorly for all that time (repeated strokes on the onset of dementia). My mum dropped her visits down to every other day because it was too much for her and she found she could give him better attention that way. The home and staff were superb though. My brother and I didn't visit as much as we should have, I'll admit that now some years later.

Just be there for her, it's emotionally draining and the family feel torn and you spend the entire time they are in there in a state of worry.

lallysmum

Please tell your friends that I have been exactly where she is, and have felt the guilt that she feels.

I was the only carer for my mother for over 10 years, she has dementia and went into a care home on 4th November last year. For the first 2 months I visited every day until my family made me see that I was still basically her carer and was not allowing her to settle into the routine of the home. She still depended on me for everything, I'd even bath her because she didn't like the care home staff doing it.

Now, 5 months on, I go twice a week, once on a Wednesday on my own from 9.30-12.30 (when she has lunch) and on either Saturday or Sunday morning with my 5 year old (and the 16 year old if she wants to come)

Mum is much more settled with this arrangement and to be honest, she doesn't remember whether I've been or not the time before. The staff are happier with it because mum is less upset and I am easier with it because I know that she is safe and cared for, but that at the same time, I can have a bit of a life. I do, however, feel massively guilty about being no longer able to care for her.. I don't think that will ever go away.

Be gentle with your friend, tell her it's ok and NOt selfish to have some time to herself.. but don't be upset with her if it takes her a while to get used to the change in life. It can be very difficult to get used to. (I can now sit in a chair for however long I want and not have to run up and down the stairs 50 times a day.. I swear I still hear mum's voice calling for me!)

bump912

Thank you for all of your advice. Some very wise words by all of you. I will put some of the suggestions to her and try to be there to support her in letting go a little bit more. I know it's going to be just as much an adjustment for her as it is for her mother, as she's cared for her for the past 3 years with the help of district nurses etc.

heretolearn_2

It's still early days and she needs to see that she is overdoing it through experience. If she's not receptive to these thoughts at the moment, can you just stand back a bit and be a good friend, offer to cook her dinner one night a week or something to ease her life a bit. She'll appreciate knowing that there is someone caring for her sometimes while she's so wrapped up with mum.

Norma_Desmond

There is no hard and fast rule re visiting; my Dad spent over 3 years in a (wonderful) EMI nursing home and Mum and I got into a routine of visiting him 3 times a week before he passed away last year.
Mum would have gone every day but she's quite frail herself and the nursing home was an hours round-trip away.
Of course the visits were emotionally and physically draining, so I made sure that her health stayed on as even a keel as possible.

Dementia is cruel and exhausting for both the sufferer and their family; keep healthy and do look after your own mental health.

supermezzo

Depending on the level of her dementia, and the home and it's workers, could your friend ring for a few minutes chat, and visit a couple of times a wekk? OH does this with her grandad as he's in her home town a couple of hundred miles away. Mind you, he is in the 5 star all singing, all dancing home which is costing him a fortune so she doesn't feel too bad if the staff have to put the extra effort in to go and find him when she rings. Some days he knows what day it is and they have a 20 min conversation, others he has no idea and it's only a 2 minute conversation.

meer53

My MIL went into a nursing home last Nov with dementia too. I think it's too much for anyone to visit every day, i go once a week which is the same as i did before she went in the home. I ring sometimes to check she's ok but quite often she forgets she's on the phone and just puts it down ! She doesn't really know when i go, there's lots going on at the home so i don't worry about her, i know she's being well looked after.

Savvy_Sue

lallysmum wrote: »

For the first 2 months I visited every day until my family made me see that I was still basically her carer and was not allowing her to settle into the routine of the home. She still depended on me for everything, I'd even bath her because she didn't like the care home staff doing it.

Now, 5 months on, I go twice a week, once on a Wednesday on my own from 9.30-12.30 (when she has lunch) and on either Saturday or Sunday morning with my 5 year old (and the 16 year old if she wants to come)

Mum is much more settled with this arrangement and to be honest, she doesn't remember whether I've been or not the time before. The staff are happier with it because mum is less upset and I am easier with it because I know that she is safe and cared for,

So important!

I would say it's definitely worth talking to the staff at the home: it may be that it's too often right now to go every day, but finding a good pattern may take a while.