CSA - I need a sanity check

nickdj

Sorry BigAunty...it was going way off topic wasn't it.

I'm not sure I really got the answer to my question. If I'm paying the CSA more because my ex has told them I only have them for 9 days not 12, should I be paying for her babysitter so she can work? The CSA said they don't really care as long as I'm paying them and babysitting money is more of a 'contribution' even though the cost is covered in the extra I am now paying.

The CSA do take a big enough chunk of my wages to make it a good balancing act making ends meet.

clearingout

you want to achieve a 'good balance' but how many single parents (both PWC and NRPs are actually able to achieve that?) I have had one night out since my ex walked out over 3 years ago. I can't go out for a combination of reasons which focus around needing a babysitter I can't afford and not being able to go out 'cos I can't afford it. Kind of a vicious circle which isn't...! I have full care of 3 young children, an ex husband nowhere to be seen (who has 'moved on' beautifully with his life and no doubt has an excellent 'balance' taking responsibility for his girlfriend's children) and a demanding full time job to get on with. I'm not much better off than I would be on benefits, no. But there is far more to be achieved from working than just the money.

The point is, not everything is possible. You are now suggesting your ex has to give up what life she has so you can achieve a balance. You assume that balance for her could be achieved in a different way but you don't actually know how she's thinking or feeling or what is/isn't important to her. Consider mediation or having a neutral third party work with you together to come up with something that suits you both. That will be of huge benefit to your children into the future.

skibadee

Ok back to your original question OP....NO you are not obliged to pay for the babysitter ontop of your maintenance payments to CSA.

Matryoshka

When the kids are in bed, you can invite your friends round for a quiet party

SuziQ

I'm sure I would be just as well off unemployed but that is not the way to think.

Yet you criticise your ex and suggest she would be better off not working and is only doing it for her own pleasure? I sense double standards here.You could pay for a baby sitter one night every weekend that you have the children,if you wanted, and tell CSA that you have your children 12 days a week to offset the cost?

I was on my own for 5 years when my marriage ended, worked full time and had no maintenance from my ex. I didn't have a social life apart from the few occasions we attended something at school. It's the cost of a combination of choosing to be a parent and having a broken relationship. It's not ideal, but the kids are only small for a short period! I'm afraid you need to put your kids first and find other ways of amusing yourself-I took extra training which I could do after my children were asleep which kept me busy-I never had a day off from my children in 5 years, worked full-time, studied and I coped-I coped, you can too!

Dunroamin

nickdj wrote: »

She can go out at any time during the week as she usually is at her parents or has a friend looking after the kids.

Surely that's true for you as well?

People can have a social life in the week just as much as at weekends.

nannytone_2

you say she goes out during the week and leaves the kids with a friend ... nothing to stop you doing the same ... but you want her to pay for it.

do you pay her friend when she goes out?

FBaby

The fact that you want a life is totally understandable, and expecting to be able to go out once a month is very reasonable. This is not the issue, the issue is that instead of taking responsibility to arrange for you to do this, you feel that it should be the responsibility of the ex to sort it out because you are already being quite flexible. Having to have the kids week-ends shouldn't be seen as a favour to your ex. It was the agreed arrangement, and if you agreed to it in the first place, it must be because somehow it suited you then. She has organised her life around this arrangement and she has a right to do that. If you want to change the arrangement, then fair enough, you can ask, but you can't EXPECT her to agree to it.

Many single parents are in your position. When I separated from my ex, my kids were 18 months and 3 years old, meaning they had to be in a routine, bed early, getting up early so no lie in, and clearly were in a way of a social life. My ex made it clear that he didn't want them overnight then, so only had them saturday day. When he realised that he was missing out on the pleasure of putting them to bed, he said he wanted them Wednesday nights... Of course, it allowed him to go out and ultimately enjoy his new relationship. I had absolutely no chance to meet anyone, and yes, at one stage, I did grow ressentful, especially when suddenly, he wanted to play happy family with his girifriend and started to demand to have the kids when it suited them, ie.family gathering etc... suddenly, he did want them overnight some week-ends, when they reached the age they didn't need looking after in the mornings.

My social life took a serious beating. Even when he did start to have them overnight every other Friday, it's not as if everyone around me were changing all their plans to suit me, so I did find myself spending many nights at home anyway. In the end, 4 years later, I did what so many in my position did, I met my partner on the internet.

My partner still feel that he has a right to have the kids when he wants them (ie. Christmas, Easter etc...), but that it is not responsibility to be there for the holidays, or if one is ill. If he breaks an arrrangement, I still get the 'change of plan, sorry can't have them on that day any longer, sorry' expecting me to make alternative arrangements rather than him doing it. It is frustrating, but I've accepted it. All in all, he is now pretty accommodating, but that's the word, accommodating rather than responsible!

You shouldn't feel bad that you wish for some sort of social life, no problem with this at all, but on the days you have agreed to have the children, they are your responsibility and it is up to you to sort out arrangements around your schedule.