CSA - I need a sanity check

nickdj

Hello everyone,

As the title says I need a sanity check to make sure I am not misunderstanding the situation and not only am I being very reasonable but I'm paying the CSA correctly.

Very very briefly...broke up with the last July wife, she has a part time job 10pm - 2am, Friday - Sunday nights, as a result I have had my children every Friday night through to Monday morning.

In the new year I realised that I was feeling very down because I wasn't able to see friends or have any chance of meeting someone new. I didn't think it was an unreasonable request to ask to have a Friday and Saturday night off once a month. I agreed that in order for her to keep doing her job I would pay for her friend to babysit those nights at her convenience.

She has spoken to the CSA and got things a little messed up. At first they thought I only had the kids 2 nights a month, and I just spoke to them and they now believe I have them 9 days in a month (3 on 1 off so to speak).

I advised my ex that it was ok, however, I shouldn't be paying for a babysitter if I'm now paying more in maintenance which covers it. This was agreed by the CSA who said I don't 'have' to pay for a babysitter. The ex went nuts and said I should pay the CSA extra and pay for the babysitter so I can have those days off!

Am I missing something here? I've tried to be amicable so she can keep her job. I don't want to force my hand but surely I can say how often I see my kids be it alternative weekends or one or two days off a month? Is it me or is the ex just not understanding how the payments work?

Any clarification will help.

Nick

cte1111

OK so you had an arrangement that fit well with both your and your ex wife's work. You both got to spend time with your children (and they with you).

You now want to pick and choose when you see your children as otherwise it ruins your social life. And you are surprised that this doesn't go down well?

nannytone_2

when does she get to go out and meet new people? the only nights she doesnt have the kids is when shes at work!

id ofer to split the babysitting fee. seems like 1 week in 4, its hardly worth her working. if she has to pay someone to keep the kids for 3 whole nights( presumably a good oart of the days too, as she will need to sleep at some point)

nickdj

The arrangement was that I would have the kids every weekend so that she could do her job. Her job was not a financial decision but more that she wanted something away from home. Due to her being on benefits she would actually be much better off not employed.

I thought I was helping her out by having the kids every weekend. During the week I work and I enjoy having the kids at the weekend. However, I have absolutely no chance of seeing friends, meeting someone new, or getting on with my life which is driving me nuts. She has all week to do that and she has parents and friends who can help her out. I don't. I do my best for the kids but they deserve to see me happy not frustrated or down.

It is not an unreasonable request to ask for 'every other weekend' or 'a couple of days off a month'.

The question is however, I am paying the CSA based on having the children 9 days a month rather than 12, should I be paying the ex so she can arrange to go to work on the weekend she is suppose to have them? That doesn't sound right to me.

nannytone_2

who looks after the kids when you work?

FBaby

I don't get it, why can't you have them (and thus getting the reduced csa payment), but you pay for a babysitter to babysit your kids at your home. You had an arrangement that allowed her to work, now you're messing her up about because you want a social life. That's not really on. How would you feel if every time the kids are poorly during the day, she brought them to you and told you you just have to sort it out?

If the agreement was that you were having the kids on these days, you should honour it. You want to go out, you sort out childcare arrangements.

nickdj

nannytone wrote: »

when does she get to go out and meet new people? the only nights she doesnt have the kids is when shes at work!

id ofer to split the babysitting fee. seems like 1 week in 4, its hardly worth her working. if she has to pay someone to keep the kids for 3 whole nights( presumably a good oart of the days too, as she will need to sleep at some point)

Thanks Nannytone,

She can go out at any time during the week as she usually is at her parents or has a friend looking after the kids.

I know for a fact that when she says "I have had to make hours up" I know she has taken a night off. She has no reason to work overtime as it would not benefit her in any way. If she wants to go out she can do that any weekend while I have the kids.

I do appreciate that she is working nights but I don't see the point. She has all the benefits and a brand new (built) house so if she decided to ditch the job she would be much better off financially. It is purely her choice to work or not.

I was happy with the arrangement where I had the kids every weekend but once a month she would arrange with her friend to look after them (just overnight whilst they slept) and I paid for it. Now the CSA think I only have them 3 in 4 weekends I don't see why I need to be paying on top of the now increased maintenance. I'd be better off saying 'every other weekend' (like most dads) but then she'd be forced to quit her job. I am not that unreasonable.

shegirl

Why do so many people get the idea that you arrange your kids around your social life??? Aww,shame,so you wouldn't get to go out with your mates at weekends boo hoo.Kids come first.End of.If you can't put kids first don't have them!

nickdj

nannytone wrote: »

who looks after the kids when you work?

The ex does. After all she is the one with custody and I am making payments even though it's mostly 50/50. I work because I have to in order to survive and make maintenance payments. It's a necessity not a choice to work. I'm sure I would be just as well off unemployed but that is not the way to think.

If we both worked the same hours, had the children for exactly the same amount of time...who do you think is paying the maintenance? Would she be paying me maintenance if I had the kids more than her?

I understand that some may think that this is some kind of request to get away from my children and shrug off my responsibility but it's not. I am doing this for my own sanity, so my children have a better father, and so I can actually see my own father who I haven't been able to in the last 6 months. I doubt anyone would want to be in a situation where they could not see their own friends or family.

If I was a selfish person I would have never agreed to the arrangement in the first place. The ex does understand why I made the request and quite aware that the current situation means I have not seen or spoken to friends or family. She just doesn't understand money or math.

lindsaygalaxy

I can see this from both sides, I get that you want some kind of social life but also agree with the post above about why can't you get a babysitter in to go out? There are a few things you have said though that I think are a bit off. First of all you keep saying 'well I could just have them every other weekend'. Do you not want to see them as much? Secondly you say about her being able to go out when she wants - well isn't she usually at work? You also keep saying she would be better off not working? Why do you think this? With the new changes I doubt many people would be better off staying at home.
I'm guessing that when you first broke up you wanted to hold on to your kids as much as possible so agreed, but not time has passed the reality has hit home and you don't feel you have a life - can't really have your cake and eat it. I think you need to decide very soon how often you want to see your kids and out it in place asap, otherwise you will just go around in circles and your wife can make other arrangements, though she is looking after the kids when you are at work.

lindsaygalaxy

Why can't you see friends or family with the kids? I don't understand why you just can't take them with you - most other people have to!