CSA - I need a sanity check

shegirl

nickdj wrote: »

The ex does. After all she is the one with custody and I am making payments even though it's mostly 50/50. I work because I have to in order to survive and make maintenance payments. It's a necessity not a choice to work. I'm sure I would be just as well off unemployed but that is not the way to think.

If we both worked the same hours, had the children for exactly the same amount of time...who do you think is paying the maintenance? Would she be paying me maintenance if I had the kids more than her?

I understand that some may think that this is some kind of request to get away from my children and shrug off my responsibility but it's not. I am doing this for my own sanity, so my children have a better father, and so I can actually see my own father who I haven't been able to in the last 6 months. I doubt anyone would want to be in a situation where they could not see their own friends or family.

If I was a selfish person I would have never agreed to the arrangement in the first place. The ex does understand why I made the request and quite aware that the current situation means I have not seen or spoken to friends or family. She just doesn't understand money or math.

I've been in that for years,barring friday night respite from my disabled son most of the time which,I spend at home on my own.His cheating !!!!!! of a father (my son is 13 next month),left me in feb after just being here weekends and now doesn't want to see our son anymore -even though he just came here to visit him-because he needs to do things on saturday nights with his 'girlfriend'.So,yep,that made me a little angry about your decision to not have your kids one weekend a month so you can have a social life and meet someone new.

Why can't you see friends and family during the week in the evenings?Meet someone then?What are you going to do when you do meet someone and only have one weekend a month free?Spend less time with your kids?Push the girlfriend on them straight away?See her during the week?If see her during the week then weekends wouldn't make any difference now would they

nickdj

shegirl wrote: »

Why do so many people get the idea that you arrange your kids around your social life??? Aww,shame,so you wouldn't get to go out with your mates at weekends boo hoo.Kids come first.End of.If you can't put kids first don't have them!

In my case that is completely untrue. I have the kids EVERY weekend and at all other times I work to make ends meet.

I have requested to work my friends into the current arrangement and this requires having some time off from the kids once or twice a month. This has mostly been controlled by the ex who says when it best suits her, I am very amicable about that. I try to fit my my friends into those dates not the other way around.

The well-being of the parents is more important to the children than just 'looking after them' because you have to. I broke up with the ex purely because it was not the environment I wanted the children brought up in. Staying together for the sake of the kids is the worst thing parents can do when they are not happy and argue all the time. Trust me, I've been, seen, and experienced this first hand and seen how it effects children, it's not nice. It breaks my heart to hear a parent shouting at a child or a child witnessing their parents at each others throats. How do you think that effects the child emotionally? They automatically think it's their fault.

But the issue is not this. I am a much better father now that I can spend time on them and not worry about the ex. But equally I need to be happy in myself.

My children do come first in everything I do even when I'm not with them.

nickdj

lindsaygalaxy wrote: »

Why can't you see friends or family with the kids? I don't understand why you just can't take them with you - most other people have to!

Quite simply, my step father has alzheimer's so taking the kids all the way to Devon on my own is not an option. He is unable to deal with all the commotion. My mother died a couple of years ago. I have no other family but my brother.

My friends live locally but they are all settling down. Occasionally they go out at the weekends but I have to decline. They have their own family and commitments so it's really difficult to see them.

I have some friends from my childhood who are going through a bad patch and looking for support. I keep trying to meet up with them somehow but it never happens.

I feel like I'm letting everyone down by not doing enough to balance work, children, and family correctly. Probably explains a lot.

shegirl

nickdj wrote: »

Quite simply, my step father has alzheimer's so taking the kids all the way to Devon on my own is not an option. He is unable to deal with all the commotion. My mother died a couple of years ago. I have no other family but my brother.

My friends live locally but they are all settling down. Occasionally they go out at the weekends but I have to decline. They have their own family and commitments so it's really difficult to see them.

I have some friends from my childhood who are going through a bad patch and looking for support. I keep trying to meet up with them somehow but it never happens.

I feel like I'm letting everyone down by not doing enough to balance work, children, and family correctly. Probably explains a lot.

I know where you're coming from with all that,and tbh it's something us resident parents have to go through and live with.

Can you not have the kids at yours all weekend and arrange childcare?Go down to your dads for a weekend,stay in a hotel or something and take your brother or a good friend with you so you get some time on your own with your dad?

Certainly understand about your dad and would be nice for you to be able to sort something there.

And try for some new friends It's all so much harder when they're all settling down and you're single lol as you appear to have discovered (quite frankly,it sucks!).

Just try to do it whatever way you can without disrupting the kids much and without ruining their mothers working.It's not easy,never is as a parent,but you have the advantage of having week nights free and that's something,it really is.I can't blame the mother for being angry tbh

Try and get yourself out during the week nights It'll be helpful if you do meet someone then,will save so much hassle over wondering how you are going to manage the kids at weekends and a girlfriend if you can get yourself out during the week too,and you can meet someone on weekdays

You'll work it out,it's just never bloomin easy

nickdj

shegirl wrote: »

I've been in that for years,barring friday night respite from my disabled son most of the time which,I spend at home on my own.His cheating !!!!!! of a father (my son is 13 next month),left me in feb after just being here weekends and now doesn't want to see our son anymore -even though he just came here to visit him-because he needs to do things on saturday nights with his 'girlfriend'.So,yep,that made me a little angry about your decision to not have your kids one weekend a month so you can have a social life and meet someone new.

I totally understand your views especially with how you've been treated. I am not that kind of person as I have good moral values so I'm not the one to cheat or put a new relationship before my children. I've had the same thing done to me and my first child (from another relationship) who is now nearly 13 I spent 7 years fighting to see her. I called every weekend to see her and was lucky if I got an hour of her time. I spent the whole time being very amicable and it's not until recently that her mother realised how much hurt that put me through. Added to this my own father left my mother when I was about 3 and I saw him once or twice a year. I know how it feels on the receiving end as a child.

I really do understand everyone views but it's difficult unless you know the whole story. I guess the first reaction would be that I'm wanting time away for selfish reasons...but it's completely the opposite. I am just trying to keep a healthy balance and not alienate everyone else for the sake of my kids no matter how much I love them. That's the bit that gets me frustrated and I don't like the thought that my friends think I don't care.

shegirl

nickdj wrote: »

I totally understand your views especially with how you've been treated. I am not that kind of person as I have good moral values so I'm not the one to cheat or put a new relationship before my children. I've had the same thing done to me and my first child (from another relationship) who is now nearly 13 I spent 7 years fighting to see her. I called every weekend to see her and was lucky if I got an hour of her time. I spent the whole time being very amicable and it's not until recently that her mother realised how much hurt that put me through. Added to this my own father left my mother when I was about 3 and I saw him once or twice a year. I know how it feels on the receiving end as a child.

I really do understand everyone views but it's difficult unless you know the whole story. I guess the first reaction would be that I'm wanting time away for selfish reasons...but it's completely the opposite. I am just trying to keep a healthy balance and not alienate everyone else for the sake of my kids no matter how much I love them. That's the bit that gets me frustrated and I don't like the thought that my friends think I don't care.

Your friends should understand though,and they probably do.I know mine do and I've seen them a total of 6 times in over a year now,they're still there for me though

Maybe you're being a little hard on yourself and thinking your friends feel let down.Have they said they do?Can you not invite them round occasionally on weekends?Go out with them and their kids etc?Try and organise things for during the weeks and explain why?I'd love to be able to do all that but it's impossible with my son so don't throw the chance away x

kingfisherblue

OP, you say that your ex doesn't have to work - but getting benefits depends on the age of the children. If at least one is under 5, then, yes, she would get income support, but good for her that she wants to work. I'm like shegirl, caring for a disabled son (my lad is 14 in a couple of weeks and I've been on my own for seven years). I can't work due to his needs, and I hate claiming benefits. Your ex is trying to do the right thing for her kids, and she is also giving you a chance to play a big part in their lives - something that a lot of parents with care would not do (not all - I'd love my ex to have the kids overnight occasionally, never mind regularly).

Having a social life, whilst great if you can, is not essential. You could see people during the week or take your children with you. Instead, you are creating a problem for your ex, who presumably thought that she had a reliable arrangement in place with you. I can see your point about paying more, but the situation is of your own making. Look at the alternatives that have been suggested and see if you can maintain a decent relationship with your ex as you sort this out - after all, the kids are piggy in the middle here, and that's the last thing you want.

nickdj

Thank's for you reply Shegirl. It's nice to hear someone who actually understands and doesn't jump to conclusions. I guess it's just natural that people expect the worst when someone wants to do something outside of the responsibility to the kids. It's a bit like the online dating thing, it's difficult to find a bloke that's not on there for selfish reasons. When you do find a good one it's not immediately obvious.

They place I have is not ideal for children. It only has one bedroom so I end up sleeping on the sofa when they are here. It's also a little difficult to take my brother with me because he works very hard and the last time I saw him was November last year. Trying to catch anyone after work during the week is more difficult than it first sounds, but I am trying to work something out.

I think the subject kinda got off the whole point of this website though ;-) I am sure the ex knows the reasons but didn't realise how much the CSA can mess things up. I don't have an issue paying the CSA but it's not like I have much left after household bills. Enough to get to the end of the month and a place to call home. Even when it came to the house I thought of the kids first but it had to be manageable. They are fairly close by and I make just enough to afford it.

It will be a struggle to get things sorted and I am not 100% sure the ex fully understands the logistics. Just wish she wouldn't fly off the handle so much and understand me better. I guess that's why it just didn't work out between us. :-(

BigAunty

I know you've got quite good responses but this is the benefits forum whereas if you have a child support/CSA query, there's another forum for you.

There's also a family/relationship forum if you want to get any general stuff off your chest.

nickdj

Thanks for your response Kingfisherblue.

The ex works at Tescos from 10pm - 2am Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights. She could work other hours if she wanted to.

She does get benefits, however, whatever she earns gets deducted from it. I'm sure you know how it all works. Plus, she spends money on getting to he place of work which isn't exactly close. I think she earns about £100 but I'm pretty sure that £15 of that goes on fuel alone. All in all she is worse off financially, get less sleep, and she does get quite grumpy knowing she's 'got to get ready' 4 hours before she actually starts.

I admire that she is doing but I'm not sure it helps the kids. My only assumption is that she is doing it because she likes to work and understandably when the kids get older she has a good chance of staying on.

It must be incredibly difficult to look after your son especially if you are not getting the help you need. If anything you deserve to get time to yourself, however, I also know how hard it is do something else when you are likely to be worrying about your son.

I am grateful that I get to see my kids as often as I do. I've experienced both extremes in my life. However, making sure I am happy/comfortable is probably just as important to my children as giving good discipline and knowing where the boundaries are. I hate having to do the 'tough love' thing but understand it's necessary some times.

Are we getting off the subject slightly here ;-)