How to give dd confidence???

meritaten

A shy child suffers agonies if you 'push them into the limelight'. However proud you are of thier acheivements they will HATE all attention being focused on them! and the more you praise, the more they will hate it! and they get worse not better! you think you are building thier confidence by bragging about their acheivements? you are not - you are actually dragging it down because the shy child KNOWS they cannot live up to your image of them. shy children hate attention - it makes them self-conscious and ill at ease. then later they hate themselves for feeling that way - especially when other kids are running round shouting 'look at me - look at what I can do!'
and your mum has bragged about you and all you can do is go red, stammer and not look at anyone! then mum gets all mad (even if she doesnt say anything) and you feel all bad again! you havent lived up to expectations yet again! before long you invent excuses not to go places or meet new people - indeed you can easily be physically sick rather than go to that 'nice childs birthday party' - because you know that mum will be trying to outdo the other mums with YOUR achievements - and you also know you cannot live up to them!
and then you start wondering why mum cannot just take you as you are - why do you have to be the next 'Shirley Temple' or wunderkind? doesnt mum love YOU?
So you become an introverted solitary child - and if you are lucky mum has another baby and THIS one becomes the golden child!

I think what I am trying to say is that - some children are naturally shy and introverted - and perfectly happy to be so. I don't know where this idea came from that all children should be outgoing, participate in class, want to be the BEST in everything and are perfectly at ease talking to strangers!
Take it from a woman who was extremely shy as a child and grew up to be a teen from hell and then a mature woman with confidence in HERSELF - it was DESPITE my mothers attempts at 'confidence building'.

Janepig

I like to think I'm not a pushy mum, everything DD does is because she wants to - most of it is through the school and she comes home and tells me she's doing it. It's mostly sporty stuff she does, and although she says she wants to be a famous celeb <rolls eyes>, I've no doubt that's never going to happen because she's not that type of child. But to my mind there's a difference between me wanting her to be more outgoing (I don't) and being cross at her not responding when someone says "hello" or "well done" or whatever. Or when she sees children she knows really well when we're out and about and she acts like she's never met them before. That's just rude imo.

It's actually quite comical to see how different she is to her brother - he's only 6 and sometime's it's like taking a mini celeb around with me. Everyone seems to know him and they're like "hi Alex", etc... and then he tells me that it's so and so from football, or someone from school, or whatever. DD would never do that. In fact we were out for a meal the other day, there was a girl from school in the same place with her dad, she's in the class between DD and DS but she didn't even look at DD, she was just all over DS!! "Chalk and cheese" was a phrase invented for my children.

Jx

desert_rose

I wouldn't worry. She's probably at the age where she's making all sorts of 'judgements', on people, places, likes and dislikes. If she doesn't like something or someone its best that she does keep her mouth shut rather than go off on one!

She sounds as if she has terrific inner confidence from what you say and too, a rare non conformist attitude to what others expect from her. Independent children who know their own minds and refuse to conform to being 'bubbly', 'girly', or whatever are rare these days.

I too used to prefer my own company to the company of others when I was that age and used to get mightily fed up when family expected me to 'be like everyone else'. It wasn't a lack of confidence either. Rather, it was because of having more interesting things to do!

cobbingstones

Janepig wrote: »

My DD is 8 and exactly like this. It drives me demented. I've given up now tbh. I think she is just a bit shy, but it does come across as rude. She won a medal for cross country running yesterday, and afew of my friends, other mums at the school, were saying well done to her and it was almost like she was ignoring them, I was so embarrassed. But she's confident enough to talk to other mums if needs be, she'll chat away or whatever, but she's definitely a follower, not a leader. She hasn't got loads of friends or anything, just one or two that she's really confident with. She saw two boys from her rugby team at the race yesterday and was excitedly telling me they were there, but walked past them without so much as a "hello" to them.

Jx

Well done on the cross country running!:T

Lil_Me_2

I read this article on the BBC a couple days ago and found it really interesting - http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-17510163

I'm an introvert. When I was at school I HATED being in the spotlight, even going as far as refusing to take part in my English classes speech giving exercise and reading out loud to the class. Drama was my most hated subject.

I agree with a lot that Meritan has posted, I was also perfectly happy at school and as I've grown older I've been to university, got myself a good job and I am still very happy! I don't feel deprived because I didn't/don't have a huge circle of friends. Instead I have a small circle of around 5/6 friends that I still keep in touch with from my time at school plus a few others from work/uni.

I will also say that I think social networking sites have improved my social skills. Since I joined MSE I've become involved in some self employed work, have added a number of like minded people (aka friends) to Facebook and a group of around 20 of us met up just before Christmas. I felt like I *knew* them all even though we'd never met in person. It meant that getting over the initial fear of talking to a stranger was kind of taken away.

the_cat

cobbingstones wrote: »

She seems to be getting worst rather than better and I am really concerned.

QUOTE]

I would imagine that she will improve if gently pushed to test her boundaries more. Insisting that she talks to adults she knows when spoken to will make her fear doing so less as time goes by. Likewise send her to brownies even if her friend is not there for whatever reason

Take her to a new club/activity/sport away from school. Reward her for speaking up in class etc as well as for any academic achievements. Push her gently to do the things that make her feel uncomfortable without going too far too fast and freaking her out

The only way imo for her to get over this shyness is to get more accustomed to the things that are making her uncomfortable. She will probably resist but might well get worse if not pushed.

I don't think you can give someone confidence. All you can do is allow them to gain it from tackling situations that make them uncomfortable

minerva_windsong

Would it be worth asking her if she'd like to do any activities other than Brownies and swimming? I know quite a few places will let you do taster sessions of various things so it might be that she hasn't yet found the activity she's 'clicked' with (eg would she stick with the Brownies if the friend left?). Equally though, I wouldn't force her to do anything she doesn't want to and I would let her be independent. I know that my mum misinterpreted the fact that I didn't go out with my friends as me being lonely, when in reality it was just that I didn't want to sit in a park drinking cider and chasing boys which was what they were into at the time, but I do wish that she'd let me go a lot more and allowed me to do my own thing.

The talking to adults is a good thing to start with - have you asked her why she doesn't want to talk to them? I think if you can start with that then it might be a step forward, although it's difficult because you don't want to force her. Giving her positive messages is a good thing as well, but I would try and make it about something she's done or something more general - think 'You're fabulous' or 'It was very brave of you to do X'.

themull1

My eldest daughter is confident, chatty etc, my younger daughter is exactly like yours, shy, won't join in things, she used to go to soft play parties and stand next to me for nearly the whole party, even now, nearly 10, she won't play in the park if there are any other kids there, but she is get better, the older she gets. My brother was even worse than that, he was so shy. Now he's a normal outgoing adult.

olibrofiz

This is probably a load of old tosh, but I wish I'd given my DD more 'tasks' to do when she was younger. My reasons for thinking this are that whatever task she would have accomplished, however small, she would feel it was something she could do, and gain in confidence of her abilities.

As it is I, wrongly by my thinking now, just did everything. I also let her get away with not saying hello to people when we were out, both adults and kids she knew, and she's still a bit funny about that now she's 17. I chose not to have a scene, but with hindsight I don't think it's done her any favours.

nasha034

Try sending her to after school activities like sports, camps and arts. Encourage her with these activities because this way, she can find new kids and hopefully make friends. These activities will promote confidence and team work which she needs and to help boost her confidence. Positive feedback from you will also encourage her to do better.