How to give dd confidence???

cobbingstones

Hello all,

My dh and I attended parents evening last night and although my dd 8 is doing well at school she lacks confidence. I myself, have the same issues and I'm horrified that I have passed this onto my child
She seems to be getting worst rather than better and I am really concerned. The teacher mentioned that she will go to the edge of the carpet or near the curtains to almost hide away and daydream...

She attends Brownies which she enjoys but will only stay with a certain friend who at times she almost hides behind.

I know that it must be very hard for her at times due to her sibling having a disability and I know our time is usually taken with their care and needs.

We always praise when she does something good and we always try to be positive, listen and respect her needs.

Any advice please would be appreciated.

cutestkids

Hi

Have you considered letting her try out different activities perhaps dance classes, swimming, or other sports where she may be able to shine which may help her overall confidence.

Also how about inviting her friends round for tea perhaps just one at a time to start with so that she does not feel overwhelmed and perhaps someone other than the one friend that she seems to rely on.

It is very difficult I know as part of her nature is just to be quiet and a little shy.

I think if you sit her down and talk to her ask if she is happy if anything is troubling her etc.
Just because the teacher thinks that she lacks confidence and does not mix well it is not neccessarily a problem if she is happy.

I was a bit like that as a child and even to this day I am as happy in my own company as anywhere else and can take people or leave them.

At the end of the day you are what you are and if she is generally happy I would n't worry to much.

mountainofdebt

Firstly I don't think you've passed the lack of confidence gene (if there is one!) onto your daughter - perhaps though she has seen how you deal with situations and has decided that that's the way for her as well.

Would it be an idea for you both to make a list of things that you could do together that would normal terrify you and then do them ? It wouldn't have to be anything dangerous or expensive but things that you secretly want to do but wouldn't have the confidence to do without the comfort of other people.

By that I mean there have been plenty of things I wanted to go and see but didn't because no one else wanted to see/ do them and the only person who has lost out is me....that was until I realised this!

pinkclouds

Tricky. Part of confidence is the ability to shrug off dislike and disappointment. You need to know you are a fabulous person and to not care if some people don't agree. (Not in a "I've got no talent but still think I can win the talent show" way but in a "sticks and stones etc" way.) It's not enough to bestow praise for doing good things if she is so shy. You need to bolster her inner belief and also teach her that it's okay to walk up to someone, say hello, get the brush-off and shrug it off. It'll take a bit of time as she is now 8 years old but I think you can do it. It's even harder to learn this if you are an adult so it's best to tackle it now. I do sympathise. It took me years to get to the point where I feel able to walk into a room of strangers and chat to all of them. I don't enjoy it but I can do it because I don't care if they don't all like me! Start each day by telling her "you are [fabulous/beautiful]" or similar and get her to agree. I tell my kids how beautiful and clever and special they are all the time and I have to say they are much more confident than I was as a child. Not that my mom did things wrong... she was just more focused on academics. I want my kids to get A grades *and* have confidence you can bounce rocks off.

cobbingstones

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.

She did go to swimming classes and enjoyed them but then went with the school and did well.

She appears rather rude as she won't say hello to adults. Although I am not the most confident person in the world I am friendly as is my dh.

Please keep the fantastic thoughts and opinions coming...

CH27

Why won't she say hello to adults?

Nicki

I think you need to tackle this an issue at a time, and expect it to take a litte while. Once she has done something a few times, she will lose her fear of it, and you can move on to the next thing. You could work with the school too.

So, perhaps start with the greeting adults thing. You speak to her beforehand and tell her that it is now expected and good manners that she will say hello to familiar adults when she meets them. Ask her what the worst that can happen is if she does so, and talk through her fears. Then set up a situation where she will bump into a familiar adult (who you have prewarned) and get her to greet them. Practise a few times with different adults, then move on to the next social school.

Whilst some children, and adults, are naturally more outgoing and extroverted than others, confidence can be learned and faked too! Most of us who can walk into a crowded room and strike up a pleasant conversation with a group of strangers, aren't actually all that confident either, though we might appear so. We have just taught ourselves how to push our natural reserve or shyness down a bit and take a risk.

FBaby

Firstly, you need to accept that it might just be part of her personality and who she is. Not everyone is confident, even with very confident parents, just like not everyone is creative, even with artistic parents.

What matters is whether it really is causing her problems, ie. would she like to be more confident herself? I was talking to a friend of mine who is also worried about her girl's lack of confidence. She also says it comes from her because she wasn't a confident child, but then she added that she absolutely hated when she was encouraged to do things she wasn't comfortable with and was just happy to be how she was. She is quite a confident adult, it just came later in life and when she felt more in control with her life.

What would be worrying is a child who lacks confidence because the prospect of doing things is bringing on high level of anxiety. Then it would be a question of tackling the anxiety issues rather than the confidence, that should grow anyway once the anxiety reduces.

cobbingstones

CH27 wrote: »

Why won't she say hello to adults?

I have asked her and her reply was that she just didn't want to!

I will keep working on this has I hate bad manners.

Thanks to you all

gibson123

It's difficult! especially as you also lack confidence and kids are very perceptive, if you make a big deal of this and show your worries then this will only get worse. the best way to gain confidence is to achieve stuff and feel proud of yourself, start setting a daily challenge for you and your daughter and rewarding yourself for it. It could be as simple as crossing the road by myself, baking a cake from scratch, swimming 2 widths instead of one, racing to the end of the street. Also do a "small wins" board where you right up your achievements, you can do this in picture or words, so learned to rid my bike, put a picture up, when either of you feel less confident look at you wins and talk about them. good luck

Janepig

cobbingstones wrote: »

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.

She did go to swimming classes and enjoyed them but then went with the school and did well.

She appears rather rude as she won't say hello to adults. Although I am not the most confident person in the world I am friendly as is my dh.

Please keep the fantastic thoughts and opinions coming...

My DD is 8 and exactly like this. It drives me demented. I've given up now tbh. I think she is just a bit shy, but it does come across as rude. She won a medal for cross country running yesterday, and afew of my friends, other mums at the school, were saying well done to her and it was almost like she was ignoring them, I was so embarrassed. But she's confident enough to talk to other mums if needs be, she'll chat away or whatever, but she's definitely a follower, not a leader. She hasn't got loads of friends or anything, just one or two that she's really confident with. She saw two boys from her rugby team at the race yesterday and was excitedly telling me they were there, but walked past them without so much as a "hello" to them.

Jx