Am I over reacting - drinking habits

tea_lover

If you're finding it hard to speak about this with him without it becoming an argument could you try writing it all down first? That way you can take your time and calmly explain how this is affecting your family.

Obviously you would need to talk to him as well, but maybe a letter could be a good opener for the conversation. He can read it at his own pace and have some time to think about what you're saying in a less pressured environment.

I hope you manage to get things sorted. No one should have to feel that they're walking on eggshells in their own home.

Elizabeth_739

It sounds a particularly dangerous situation for the kids.

A few other points: You didn't say whether he was drinking before he began to stay at home with the kids or why you both decided that this was the best way forward for your partnership. Was the plan that he would return to work later on, or is he training for something for the future?

Absolutely fine to reverse roles if it's what you both want as long as he is pulling his weight in the partnership. Is he doing the housework and the cooking? is there a meal for you in the evening when you come home from work? does he do extra curricular things with the kids? all the things that a SAHM would be expected to do.

Can you imagine a SAHM spending the family budget on drink - how many husbands would accept that or having to tip toe around talking about it!

It is easy for a woman to be in a domestic situation and yet be unable to step outside of it to see things clearly when you're trying to keep the family together. Your husband may have a real mental or drink problem or he may be taking complete advantage of you.

You have to talk about it and soon, you do not have to put up with this behaviour and you have to make him see that you mean it. Is there someone you could confide in, close friends, family members, doctor, Relate? Do you have parents, are they aware of the situation, I'm sure you could find some support although I suppose you are frightened to let the cat out of the bag to anyone else.

He's a very lucky man that you say you love him, that ought to give him the push to change now before it's too late. Unless you do something there doesn't sound much future for any of you.

tinktinktinkerbell

i dont think i would be happy if my OH was drinking that much, especially if he didnt work and was using my money to pay for it!

zzzLazyDaisy

Please look up Al-anon. They are for relatives/partners of alcoholics. They are incredibly supportive and will help you to see what is happening. They won't tell you what to do, or make you do anything you don't want to do. But they have all been where you are now, and they can help you to see things more clearly, and also to value yourself (something that can go down the pan when you are in a situation where something that is definitely not normal, starts to become the norm).

tanith

Good advice from everyone, I can only add having been in your position 25yrs ago that it will get worse if A. He stays in denial , B. You enable him to carry on by not confronting it. Its very hard I know but for your family's sake you have to do something about it. Which if he stays in denial means you and your children need to be away from him or he will drag you down.
Sorry if thats harsh but its the reality of the situation. Good luck..

belfastgirl23

Yes this is a problem. If you are afraid leaving the children with him then there's no question about it. And that is a lot of alcohol.

As a first step, you need to find a time to talk to him properly about it. You need to think it out and rehearse what you want to say. I would suggest starting by acknowledging that you are really scared to talk to him about this because you think he will be very angry with you but that it's something you're very upset and worried about yourself. Then describe your worries about his drinking - that it might impact on the children and his own health. Either he will hear you or he won't.

Be careful though, this is where he may start to deflect things. And the discussion will become about something else - him being a SAHD, your working patterns, the pressures of looking after kids, etc etc. He will want to make the problem about something else. Don't let him. Agree that something might be an issue and you can talk about it at another time but for right now, the alcohol is what you want to talk about.

If he does hear you, then you will be into a negotiation about how much he drinks and when. Based on my own experience, be very careful about getting involved in policing his drinking - eg telling him how much to drink and when. Then it's your fault no matter what happens.

I'm afraid you will have to screw your courage up to sticking point on this one. Good luck!

Lunar_Eclipse

12345onceI wrote: »

I just wondered if I am completely over reacting, or that there is a serious problem. I need a sanity check

I think you are right to be concerned, but shouldn't feel at fault for his behaviour. You sound very caring and lovely.

If he is looking after young children, the level of alcohol being consumed is likely to have negative effects on how well he does this. I'm sure he wouldn't want to put his children at any unnecessary risk.

Also, the amount he is drinking is significantly higher than recommended levels for his health. The guidelines for men are a maximum of 21 units/week and 4 units/day. A pint of strong beer (6%) contains 3 units of alcohol. A 125ml glass of average wine contains 1.5 units (9 units/bottle.) I do think you need to find an appropriate time to discuss it with him.

I can't help but wonder if he's depressed, so perhaps you could tackle it from a 'concerned about him' approach. Alternatively, logic tells me an addiction is a strong possibility.

Elizabeth_739

As you are nervous about insisting on a discussion about this I am assuming your husband is quite domineering. Yes, he will probably somehow put you in the wrong, but you really have to take control of the situation at this stage and decide on a long term strategy that you fully intend to see through.

I've been in a similar situation when life was pretty tough but I was afraid of making it even worse by bringing issues to a head. But the problem is not going to go away and you have to be strong enough for both yourself and your children to stand your ground. It's called tough love and hopefully he will respect you for it. Don't put it off any longer.

Wellyboots6

You say your husband drives...

If so then the chances are he will be over the drink-drive limit. Going by the amounts you say he drinks then it is highly likely he is always over the drink-drive limit, even if he only drinks in an evening.

Assuming he does drive when he collects your eldest from school then he is likely over the limit from the night before.

Also, if the school smell alcohol on him when he is responsible for your children they may well alert social care. You can get charged for being intoxicated while responsible for a child, even if you are just looking after the child in your own home.

I don't mean to worry you, just highlighting the risks of allowing this situation to continue. It may help in your decision

Take care of yourself

12345onceI

Just like to say, thank you all very much for reading my post and for all your considered replies. I hope I can turn this around, but also know that I have been trying this for a long time and if anything it is only getting worse, so must be doing it wrong. Although not sure where I go wrong. I work hard, am a good mum (I think and hope), have normal good contacts with friends, family and colleagues etc, just don't agree with the drinking habits of my OH as it is destroying my life and that of the children, and that of himself for that matter, although not sure he sees it that way. We need to sit down and talk about this (again). I will read all the replies again, to see what I can take from here. Again thank you all very much.