Am I over reacting - drinking habits

12345onceI

I just wondered if I am completely over reacting, or that there is a serious problem. I need a sanity check.

I feel that my husband is drinking too much. Some days he doesn't drink, but if we look on average he will drink about 1 or 2 bottles of wine on about three nights and then double that on two other nights (or 8 cans of beer plus extra) per week. I think this is much too much, but then I don't really drink at all. He is not 16 any more, and needs to grow up a bit.

He does not work but is at home looking after our youngest and picks the oldest up from school on some days. I feel it is irresponsible to drink that much if he has the responsibility of looking after a toddler the next day. He feels that responsibility when he has to drive the next morning, but not when he looks after a little one. It is not fair on a young child to have a parent who struggles to get out of bed, is quickly irritable etc. I must admit that the hangovers are a lot more bearable than a few years ago, although I do avoid him on serious (twice a week) hangover days, let him sleep and try and take the kids out so nobody is affected, so I might notice it less. But that worries me as well, as to me that means he is so used to the alcohol that he needs more to get the effects which is not right at all.

I am not sure what to do. He is a lovely person, does not hurt anybody or gets violent, and is a great dad, but I can't cope with it. I feel a bad mum for letting my youngest one in his care when he has been drinking, but also know that I have to work to earn the money. I blame myself and that does not make me and the rest of the family happy as I get really stressed which affects the children as well. I feel I am not able to manage this much longer and the arguments are happening more and more. I struggle to find a good time to discuss this issue, but whatever time I pick it is always wrong (just about to start a drink, already drinking, hangover etc and other times the kids are around) and ends up with him getting in a mood and going to the shop to buy more alcohol. So feel I can't discuss it as that makes things even worse. In the mean time I bottle things up (what else can I do) and try to look after the kids the best I can while in the mean time hiding the fact for other people that (to me anyway) there is a drinking problem. After bottling everything up I then explode which results in hubby being more stressed and drinking even more.

It seems we're stuck in this vicious circle that I don't know how to break. I am embarrassed and feel like a failure and feel it is all my fault and am getting really depressed, while we have a beautiful family that we should enjoy. Help. Hubby has seen the GP about this last year, but nothing really came from it. Yes the drinking could be a bit less..... was the conclusion. So am I over reacting?

Not sure what reactions to expect and a bit reluctant to post as feel guilty writing this about someone I really love and who is a wonderful person and a fantastic dad (when he's not been drinking and is not desperate for a drink - which seems to be less and less as alcohol seems to take over).
What do other people do?

PinkPeonies

I'm sorry you feel really down. I think it's a problem because it's upsetting you. I know it'll be ever so difficult, and sounds really obvious but you really need to talk to him before it gets any worse. I think there could be many different issues here and I don't want to guess about your circumstances. I'm sure there are many services such as couple counselling etc. that could really help you but before you go down that line you need to let him know how you feel. Perhaps write him a letter as you can draft it as many times as you need to and it's not confrontational? I hope you sort things out

BitterAndTwisted

He's drinking a huge amount. If you are concerned about it then that's entirely reasonable and understandable. I would be, too. Two or four bottles of wine in one night is dangerous self-destruction to me. No family members should be tiptoeing around after someone has over-indulged like that. Think about the lessons your children are learning from his behaviour and your response to it.

Voice your concern to him as soon as possible in as non-confrontational a way as you can in the first instance. If I was afraid to leave my husband in charge of my children I would know that the time for action is right now before something really bad happens.

Think about what a struggle it could be raising two children and working full-time when you're a widow.

nonnatus

You know the answer already!

You are a PARTNERSHIP, sharing the care of your children and both of you must be happy with this. You (who sounds like a lovely, articulate, worried lady) are being bothered by the amounts he is drinking affecting him AND the kids.

It is not unreasonable at all to expect him to talk about it and come to an agreement. Maybe have a friend look after kids and take hubby out, explain your concerns, don't trivialise them. Maybe he is bored or depressed, maybe he should see a doctor?

DON'T brush it all under the table and hope it will go away. Unfortunately, with drinking, it most often gets worse.

Good Luck x

Peater

Yes, he has a drink problem.

Of course he will deny it. But, i have seen the effects of alchoholism and it only gets worse.

It's not fair on you or your children.

VfM4meplse

The long-term effect of excessive drinking is very damaging to health, relationships, and yor purse!

Someone sent me this email this morning:

Alcohol is a perfect solvent:

It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Mrs_Imp

If he didn't drink so much you could probably afford to reduce your working hours and spend more time with your family.

Alcoholism is a selfish disease. He will mostly be thinking about himself - when will he have his next drink, why are you hassling him, etc etc. He will probably not be able to see that you care about him and want to help him, so you will need a lot of strength and patience to help him through this. He needs help, and so do you. See if you can find a support group for you too. You will need as much support as he will. And never feel guilty if it becomes too much and you have to step away from him until he's sorted himself out. Your children should come first.

Good luck with this.

ognum

he is drinking too much for the health of the whole family. There are lots of very nice people who have alcohol problems.

You do need to sit down and talk about this, it sounds like part of it is down to boredom. don't wait until there is a serious accident to address this with him.

System

Alcohol is a perfect solvent:

It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

And never feel guilty if it becomes too much and you have to step away from him until he's sorted himself out.

Never have truer words been spoken!

Seanymph

The measure for me would be when it impacted on other people, or his functionality in life.

It's affecting other people and his functionality, therefore it's a problem.

Don't hide this from yourself or brush it under the carpet, your children don't deserve to be brought up in a household that supports an alcoholic, it will damage them for life.

fluffnutter

He's certainly drinking too much, both in terms of the recommended number of units, but, more importantly, in terms of how family life is being affected.

You say he's a SAHD. Was this his choice, or was it the best solution given both your jobs? Do you think he feels his identity has been swamped by childcare? Could he be depressed or bored?

Looking after children is hard work and men, in particular, might find adjusting from a life of work to a life of childcare difficult.

Urge him to get help for his drinking, but also try to look at the bigger picture. If you find out what's causing this pernicious increase in boozing, it might make it easier to tackle. The fallout of tackling it though might mean some changes for the whole family. Good luck x.