How on earth do I handle this?

thehappybutterfly

All good advice above - there some very sensible switched-on people on this site! But - I think this is an easier situation to handle than the alternative, i.e. if they decided not to try. Can you imagine how difficult that would be - you would really be piggy in the middle!

Good luck SuzySue - just the fact that you're worrying about what to say or do shows that you're a very good friend!

*SuzySue*

jetplane wrote: »

It's normal that you feel protective and want to punch his lights out, however, if she is willing to give him a second chance then, as her close friend, you will also have to.

Oh, I don't feel like that at all!! If anything I can list a lot of reasons why it probably happened. It's more that I feel awkward that he knows that I know if you see what I mean. I don't feel any malice towards him.

*SuzySue*

*Louise* wrote: »

Do you see him a lot? Is it possible to not see him for a while and just see your friend on her own until things settle down a little between them?

After that, you don't have to like someone to be cool and courteous to them - be polite but don't bother with chit chat. In time, things will get easier.

9 times out of 10 we meet up as couples. In fact, they were together when I met her, so I don't know her without him. Just don't want it to be awkward the next time we all meet up.

My friend knows I'm there for her 100%, any time. I'm there for both of them really, together.

loracan1

ognum wrote: »

Do not be judgemental, make adverse comments, not be available. Mostly just listen.

This ^

*SuzySue* wrote: »

He knows it's going to be hard work to rebuild the trust. At the moment she's partially blaming herself for not being a more attentive wife. I think that's ridiculous. He chose to cheat!

The thing is, however anyone looks at it, whatever happens in a relationship, whatever the circumstances were - it takes two to make it work and it doesn't collapse solely because of one party. I'm not saying it's 50-50, but it is never just one person.

Nicki

I've been in this situation with a friend before and as others have said, have just tried to treat the husband the same way as before. Not necessarily because I felt the same about him, but because that was the best way to support the friend who has chosen to have life go on as normal. It wouldn't be helping her if she couldn't socialise with good friends because they were giving her husband the cold shoulder. I would however keep in reserve the option of being completely honest with him if things do get tense, and being able to say something along the lines of "John, to be completely open I'm finding this situation quite hard. Jane is my best friend and it's been difficult to see her so hurt but I am doing my best not to get involved or take any sides. I hope things work out for the two of you, and that we can all remain friends long term but it might take a bit of time or everything to settle back down to normal". But to be honest I didn't ever have to do that, after the first couple of awkward get togethers things did settle down, though my friend did end up getting divorced a couple of years later when he cheated again

victory

Just be there and listen as everyone else has said, the tears will come and having someone to listen to you is priceless.

*Louise*

*SuzySue* wrote: »

Oh, I don't feel like that at all!! If anything I can list a lot of reasons why it probably happened. It's more that I feel awkward that he knows that I know if you see what I mean. I don't feel any malice towards him.

I reckon he is going to be feeling waaay more awkward than you - not to mention embarrassed, so you may find he won't say much to you next time you meet anyway (unless he has a completely brass neck of course!)

*SuzySue*

Thanks for your comments.

I had their kids last weekend so that they could go away and talk. It seems to have been more of a 2nd honeymoon - they're all loved up now. I just hope it works out for them.

meer53

When my ex had an affair, my friends were quick to give me their opinions on him and what they thought i should do, which was never to take him back, ever !

I ignored them as i wanted to try and make things right again and gave him 3 chances in 12 months. Big mistake.

Sometimes, other people can see what you can't, i really wish i'd been strong enough to take their advice and finish it right at the beginning. Instead i made myself miserable for 12 months. My friends were right all along, they all said the same thing. But they were all there for me, shouting at me each time i took him back, and are still there for me now, 10 years on.

Friends should just be themselves and say it how they see it. If they're true friends,even if their advice isn't what you want to hear, they should still stick with you.

OP, just be there for your friend, it won't be easy for anyone, just be yourself.

Mojisola

*SuzySue* wrote: »

I had their kids last weekend so that they could go away and talk. It seems to have been more of a 2nd honeymoon - they're all loved up now. I just hope it works out for them.

Really good practical help! They're lucky to have you as a friend.

If she's willing to give him a chance, you have to as well. It will probably be easier in reality than thinking it about it beforehand.