How on earth do I handle this?

*SuzySue*

My closest friend has just discovered that her husband (also a good friend) of 10 years has been having an affair. He's sorry, he's broken it off and desperately wants to fix things. She's not interested in splitting up but is obviously devastated. They have 2 children (7 and 5).

How on earth do I handle this? I want to be there for her, and I am. Anything she needs from me she can have. But what on earth do I say the next time I see him?

He knows it's going to be hard work to rebuild the trust. At the moment she's partially blaming herself for not being a more attentive wife. I think that's ridiculous. He chose to cheat!

Everyone I know whose marriage has been affected by infidelity has split up immediately. I know they are taking the harder option, and before all of this they were a really strong couple, but how do I help them to get through this?

What do I say to her/him?

newbutold

I would encourage them to go to relate. My friends hubby had an affair, they went to relate and it helped them a great deal & they are still together now.

atrixblue.-MFR-.

not alot you can do in these situ's just be a shoulder a rock and not let yourself be the mediator in it.

coucelling is one option for them, and perhaps you can pull off a few phone numbers for your friend to have a discussion about it with her OH and let them both decide to give them a call.

Emmzi

tell your friend you can't fake it for hubs and he has to earn your trust back too. Then be natural!

*Louise*

Do you see him a lot? Is it possible to not see him for a while and just see your friend on her own until things settle down a little between them?

After that, you don't have to like someone to be cool and courteous to them - be polite but don't bother with chit chat. In time, things will get easier.

SnowyOwl_2

Definitely, whatever happens, don't get in between them, be counsellor to both of them or be the go between with messages etc. You can still remain on friendly terms with the husband without ever discussing his behaviour with him. Your friend - the wife - needs a reliable trustworthy friend right now, and you can make clear to her that you are there for her and that right now you value your friendship with her more than you value your friendship with her husband and so won't discuss what you and she discuss with him or anyone else. You don't have to fall out with him or be overtly angry with him to support his wife. If he mentions the affair to you you could just say that you would rather he didn't discuss it with you.

ognum

Be supportive, listen and allow space for all the emotions that will come.

Do not be judgemental, make adverse comments, not be available. Mostly just listen.

jetplane

So much good advice on here already.
It's not easy to be objective and it's hard to see your friend hurt by him, especially when he is a close friend because you also feel let down to some extent. It's normal that you feel protective and want to punch his lights out, however, if she is willing to give him a second chance then, as her close friend, you will also have to.

Just as previous posters have said - Keep your own councel, let her cry, call him names, be weak, be inconsistent, drive you mad. However don't be drawn into blame, never give advice on what you would do if it happened to you, there will be enough 'friends' doing this. Give her the help she needs and be strong for her when she can't be.

I am in a similar position at the moment, close friends with both half of a couple, except they are apart. And last year this happened to my cousin and she took him back after 5 months.
Good Luck

Peater

ognum wrote: »

Be supportive, listen and allow space for all the emotions that will come.

Do not be judgemental, make adverse comments, not be available. Mostly just listen.

^ This......

heretolearn_2

I think you have to try and just carry on as normal with him, even though it's hard. He hasn't asked for your input/advice/opinion. He may not even know his wife is discussing any of this with anyone outside the marriage.

It's their very private life and business. If she wants to use you as a shoulder to cry on and for support while they see if they can sort things out, then do that, without really putting any of your own feelings/thought in. What you think doesn't really matter here.

I've seen friends make the situation worse at times like these as they want (naturally!) to interfere or get too involved. But you have to let the couple sort it out themselves, while being ready with the sympathy and hankies and biscuits.

pukkamum

I had exactly the same situation with my best friend, she took her hubby back against my advice and i know she was very nervous about us all getting together again, but we invited them both to a gig and i treated him as i had always done.
The way i looked at it was that it was her marriage and if she was wiling to forgive him i had to do the same.

He admitted after a few drinks that he was very nervous and was very shocked that i had invited him out, but was really grateful.