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mya_may

I'm not quite sure where to start so sorry if I don't make a lot of sense, I have no one to talk to.
I was assualted a few years ago, I remember pretty much nothing, except what I was told but it doesn't make sense to me. The police didn't persue it. I didn't tell anyone but OH. He told me we had to act normal or our relationship wouldn't survive. He held me for two weeks and kept telling me that. Then it was like he thought it had all gone away that I should be fine, I shouldn't be staying awake all night or locking myself upstairs or sleeping fully dressed.
After 2 years the pressure of acting normal is getting to me, I'm fine if I'm kept busy but its never far away. I also find myself really unsympathetic to OH, if he has a problem it takes all my effort not to just shrug at him.
This week he actually said, I don't know what's happened to you but you've changed, you're not a nice person anymore. What am I supposed to say to that, he thinks its gone away cos I don't talk about it but I don't talk about it cos I want it to go away.
Not long after it happened he'd get drunk and go on and on about it, getting angry and making it all about him which is another reason for not wanting to talk, he said awful things and smashed things.
I'm not really sure what to do, I don't feel I can talk to him but I'm feeling worse about myself and can't go on not talking about how I feel! I'm not sure what I expect from this post but I need to vent it out somewhere

clays_mummy

personally, i would go and speak in confidence to your doctor and demand they refer you for counselling..im sorry that this happened to you and i have no personal experience but keeping things bottled up for to long is going to cause terrible consequences, rather out than in, so you really do need to speak to someone...x

go_cat

He sounds like he is struggling to cope with what happened to you.

You sound like you need support councilling / victim support are very good

You need to talk about it but maybe to an independant person

j.e.j.

Silly question, perhaps, but did the Police not give you any details for victim support?

Perhaps your OH found it difficult to deal with what had happened to you and his way of coping was to try and 'make it go away'. It sounds like you would benefit from professional help, like counselling, or therapy. Speak to your GP if you can.

If you can't bring yourself to speak to someone at this stage it might even help if you just write down your feelings. Put it in a Word document, for example, and password protect it so it's private.

damsidebear

hi mya may sorry to hear things aren't good, but bottling it up wont help anyone regardless of what it is, you say you want it to go away but keeping it to yourself wont help, go to your GP and request counseling, speaking to a 'stranger' (third party) will help ease the pain and it will help you cope and deal with things a lot better than your are just now, good luck and try and stay strong. x

whitewing

I agree that you need to speak to a counsellor. You can't expect to bottle it up, but it is a lot to ask your partner to cope with. He can support you, but not necessarily make it better without professional help.

Wickedkitten

He told me we had to act normal or our relationship wouldn't survive.

He has absolutely no right to put you in that kind of situation. If you can't talk to him about something this serious and will actually disrespect your wellbeing for his own good, do you really want to be with him?

gibson123

Wickedkitten wrote: »

He has absolutely no right to put you in that kind of situation. If you can't talk to him about something this serious and will actually disrespect your wellbeing for his own good, do you really want to be with him?

That's way too harsh! It sounds like he has been trying to cope in the best way he can, but this is too much to ask of anyone without professional input, they both could use some counselling either as a couple or singly. This is not a normal situation, some-one has done great hurt to this couple and they are struggling to heal.

OP it is time to get some help, go to your doctor and explain.

Wickedkitten

gibson123 wrote: »

That's way too harsh! It sounds like he has been trying to cope in the best way he can, but this is too much to ask of anyone without professional input, they both could use some counselling either as a couple or singly. This is not a normal situation, some-one has done great hurt to this couple and they are struggling to heal.

OP it is time to get some help, go to your doctor and explain.

Sorry but as someone who has been abused, I don't think it is harsh in the slightest. Someone has done great harm to the OP, her OH might have been caught up in the fallout from that, but it is the OP who has to deal with this directly and for her OH to put her in the position where she has to act normal and not be able to deal with what happened to her or risk losing him makes him a pretty !!!!!! OH in my opinion.

Mojisola

mya_may wrote: »

I didn't tell anyone but OH. He told me we had to act normal or our relationship wouldn't survive. He held me for two weeks and kept telling me that. Then it was like he thought it had all gone away that I should be fine, I shouldn't be staying awake all night or locking myself upstairs or sleeping fully dressed.

Not long after it happened he'd get drunk and go on and on about it, getting angry and making it all about him which is another reason for not wanting to talk, he said awful things and smashed things.

Wickedkitten wrote: »

Sorry but as someone who has been abused, I don't think it is harsh in the slightest. Someone has done great harm to the OP, her OH might have been caught up in the fallout from that, but it is the OP who has to deal with this directly and for her OH to put her in the position where she has to act normal and not be able to deal with what happened to her or risk losing him makes him a pretty !!!!!! OH in my opinion.

I agree completely with Wickedkitten.

Who is the victim here? It's mya-may, not her OH! If he's having a hard time dealing with it, can't he imagine how she must feel?

Telling someone who has been assaulted that she has to act like nothing has happened or he will walk out on her is despicable.

mya-may - you need to get help for yourself. Please start thinking about yourself.

bright_side

I can relate so much to parts of your post. My partner of 6 years was never able to offer me any emotional support on any level in any circumstance. I was abused as a child and that leaves very deep emotional scars that have to be faced sooner or later - just as what has happened to you does, it can't and won't just go away no matter how much people want you to brush it under the carpet. It is always there and always comes to the surface when we are faced with other emotional traumas in our lives.
My oh was so unsupportive of me that I found I was unable to support him in anything that might be going on in his life. When I lost my sister 4 years ago his attitude was very much 'people die' that's how life is. I never really forgave him for that and then when I lost my dad 6 weeks ago, he was even worse. Expecting me to be all happy and jolly just 12 days after my loss and getting annoyed when I couldn't be like that. He wouldn't take my feelings into consideration atall and it came to a head last week and I ended our relationship.
He is not a bad person and I know he has difficulty dealing with other peoples emotions, I think it scares him because he doesn't know how to handle it, but I realised I couldn't spend the rest of my life with him when I felt he belittled my feelings on things. I think the only way forward for us would've been to have some counselling together, but for me things had just gone too far to be rectified.

You absolutely must get some help from somewhere, probably GP would be first step. You have to work through what happened to you and start to unravel your thoughts and feelings. Until you do, this will rule your life. If your OH is willing and able to support you, then that's brilliant. If he isn't then that is HIS problem not yours. Don't let him make you feel abnormal for needing to talk about what happened because that is EXACTLY what you need to do and the very normal thing to do. It's the only way you will ever begin to come to terms with what happened to you.
And as for him saying you've changed........of course you've changed!! How could you, or anyone NOT change after such an horrific experience.

Sending you lots of hugs xx