Advice and views needed please - Long post warning

Canofworms

I'm using a new user name to protect myself and my family as lots of people I know use this site ( me and my big mouth!).

Bit of background first.
I don't see my real dad, when he split with my mum he lost interest, they were both very young (mid twenties), I saw him on and off over the years but never really had a bond with him. He went on to remarry and had 2 more children. I have contact with my brother and sister (via facebook, texts and calls) even though I've only met them a handful of times, we have a special bond/connection. I tried again with my dad a few years back but just didn't really feel anything for him, no bond or connection. I find him hard to get along with but I guess that was me putting a wall up as before he left I was a daddys girl (I was approx 8 when he left). It took me a long time to realise that actually he just wasn't that bothered about me, now I just think it's he's loss.

Fast forward to now, if you're still reading lol

My eldest asked me yesterday about wanting contact with my side of the family and how it's weird that they've got a grandad they've never met. They've always known of his existence and I've never passed my views onto my kids, so I guess they just think it's weird especially as we're such a strong family unit.

So I called my sister to check that our dads number was the same, had a good old catch up and that was that.
She then calls me back to say she called him and he was really moody and asked why me and her are in contact! I guess he just thought because he didn't want a relationship with me then they shouldn't. Anyway he said to call him at 8.30 pm last night.
My son called and there was no answer so he left a message.
I called today and also sent him a text and nothing!

Now I just don't know what to do for the best!!! I've never asked anything from/of him so I just don't understand his anger. I've never had any callings out with him etc I just didn't feel the need to have him in my life. I got over the rejection a long long time ago, now there is just nothing.

Sorry for the ramble. I guess I wish I'd just told the kids what a waste of space he was! And for the record my sister and brother had an awful time growing up because he was so strict and moody, so I know I had a lucky escape.

Has anyone else been through anything similar. I can't help feeling a can of worms has been opened! All I ever wanted was for him to love me.

Thanks in advance

Artytarty

Aw I'm sorry!
That sort of rejection really hurts.
I was/am estranged from my Dads side of the family too. Grew up OK with that and now in my 50s(!) have tried making contact with my only cousin. He clearly doe not want to know and I swing between anger and hurt. I think I am reaching a conclusion that i wish I hadnt bothered, so i do feel for you.
i'm glad you are in contact with your sisters tho'
My kids were keen to extend the family circle too.
I supose you just have to be honest with your son and explain that not everybody feels family loyalty or connection of any sort.Its a tough message but maybe one that will make sure he knows his own values which will hopefully be different.

Canofworms

Artytarty wrote: »

Aw I'm sorry!
That sort of rejection really hurts.
I was/am estranged from my Dads side of the family too. Grew up OK with that and now in my 50s(!) have tried making contact with my only cousin. He clearly doe not want to know and I swing between anger and hurt. I think I am reaching a conclusion that i wish I hadnt bothered, so i do feel for you.
i'm glad you are in contact with your sisters tho'
My kids were keen to extend the family circle too.
I supose you just have to be honest with your son and explain that not everybody feels family loyalty or connection of any sort.Its a tough message but maybe one that will make sure he knows his own values which will hopefully be different.

I think it is because I've raised them with strong family values and they are curious. If I'm honest, It's just opened up a wound for me that I thought was long healed! It's the uncertainty of it all. Will he have contact, won't he, will I have to see him again etc etc. Blooming kids lol

CH27

How old is your eldest?

Canofworms

CH27 wrote: »

How old is your eldest?

He's 17 so old enough to make his own decisions and old enough to make his own opinions. I guess I'm just a little bewildered that this has come totally out of the blue! He's never met his aunty and uncle either ( they're only a few years older than him) but we are arranging something for this year.

podperson

While I do appreciate that you haven't wanted to 'badmouth' your dad to your children then I do think it might be best to sit them down and have a bit of a chat about him. Something along the lines of that while you are very lucky to have a close and supportive family then everyone is different and not everyone sees family as a priority like you do (not personal opinion on that one by any means!!) I think trying to prepare them a bit beforehand could save them from having too high expectations of your father and then being disappointed as it sounds like he's not going to be a reliable part of their lives.
Have they met your half sister and brother? Could be a nicer way of them getting to know your side of the family.

Sorry - edited as I see your son is 17 - old enough imo for a basic account of your dad's role in your life so he knows that he's not exactly the happy families type beforehand.

Desperado99

Canofworms wrote: »

he said to call him at 8.30 pm last night.
My son called and there was no answer so he left a message.
I called today and also sent him a text and nothing!

Well, that stinks! giving a time and then not picking up...... I think that speaks volumes.

Speaking as someone who doesn't have much of a relationship with the MIL (she's only seen our DD once, when she as born) so I'm a bit biased....... how much do you want your children exposed to the rejection? It's maybe at this point, as your eldest is asking questions and has had a taste of what you dad is like, that you need to explain to him why the relationship is the way it is and what grandad is like. (in an age appropriate way)

Best of luck with it

red_devil

Here is a different opinion. I think your brother and sister (his children) should not speak to him unless he bothers with you.

It annoys me that people get away unchallenged about their behaviour its wrong to see some of your children, not all of them and its irresponsible.

Seanymph

Guilt does very strange things to people, and I don't doubt he feels terribly guilty even if that comes out in anger.

He doesn't want to be reminded of his failings, or deal with reminders - so much easier to cut people out isn't it. Bless your siblings for being in touch and challenging him on this, and I feel your pain. My mother left when I was 18 months old, and at 44 I can still sit and sob because of the continued rejection despite spending most of my adult life working on having SOME sort of relationtionship with her - I met her when I was 14, I'd been told she was dead.

So I feel your pain believe me, I deal with it in different ways in different life stages, but maturity has given me a better empathy for the difficult decisions she must have faced, and some understanding of her limitations as an individual, and how she has set up her life to make it easier for her not to face the bad things about herself.

Your father is doing the same - taking the easy route. I can understand that, it's selfish, it hurts people, and it's something I strive as an individual not to do. But if your father and my mother chose to make it easy on themselves at our expense at the end of the day there is nothing we can do about it but smile, square our shoulders, and know that we keep worthy people in our lives.

As for 'badmouthing' him to your children. You don't need to do that, but you need to be frank, and emotionally honest with them, and be truthful about their grandad's limitations and history with you. That way they will be protected from him.

NOT telling them the truth isn't not badmouthing him, it's protecting him - totally different thing.

ruby-roo_2

:T

I think you have handled this difficult situation spot on. Your children understandably wanted to have contact and meet their grandad, being use to your strong family unit. It must have felt to them like a piece of your family jigsaw was missing. You have remained completely dignified, despite probably having justifiable reservations, and tried to arrange this. In my opinion your father is behaving very oddly to their interest in him. It is impossible for any of us to speculate as to why this is.

You really haven't opened a can of worms hun. However things progress from here your children will be seeing their grandfather as the man he really is. How they choose to view him in the weeks and months ahead is up to them. I have a gut feeling that their natural curiosity and interest to know him may be short lived because he doesn't show signs of valuing the chance to get to know them. It may be a hard life lesson for them to be exposed to but all you can do is be there for them and guide them through it. You sound like a great mum and I am sure with your love and care they will come through this okay.

I am very sorry you have been treated in this way by your dad, it must be a horrible experience

Uniscots97

To be honest I'd leave it be, its up your half brother and sister whether they want to speak to you. It sounds like he (your Dad) regrets what he did but wants to be left alone. He may change his mind but he'll do that in his own time. Supporting a friend through a similar thing, her Mum left when she was 3. They then found out her Mum had had a child before her and her brother to another man and dumped that child too. When her mother first got together with her Dad she got pregnant and had an abortion as (she found this out years later) her Mum didn't know who the Dad was. My friend got in touch with her Mum after years of searching and found out her Mum had had another baby (at the same time my friend did). They talked like nothing had happened then her mother cut her off, saying she was ruining her chances of happiness with her new partner and new baby. My friend pulled back and got very upset, she's now realised she only had a child to plug the gap her mother left and gave the child over to its father (who she split from). She has been begging her ex to have their baby adopted as she says its a physical reminder of her mother. Unfortunately her mother (and probably your father) don't realise what far reaching impact their actions will have.