Advice and views needed please - Long post warning

dizziblonde

Canofworms wrote: »

I did tell ds not to build his hopes up to high and not to expect to much, he was ok with this. I wish we'd had a long chat before he rang him, I will do that tonight. Trouble is I know it'll open the flood gates for me and I don't want ds to see the hurt. Who knows maybe he's changed. I always like to see the best in people, I believe there is always a reason behind an action. Just because he was a crap dad doesn't mean he can't be a good grandad, surely he should be given that chance.

All you can really do is give your kids the information about him and let them decide if they want to give him that title of grandad or not... they're big enough to know what he's done in the past and to decide if they want to follow the line of that relationship. Don't go too OTT into the personal judgements, but don't go too OTT into excusing him either - he's a grown man who made his own choices in life... no one forced him to.

Might well be that the straight chat is all that's needed to allay the curiosity - not some dramatic reconcilliation and rebuilding of bridges, just enough to put the question marks to rest.

RAS

Canofworms wrote: »

My brother doesn't actually have much contact with him, we don't discuss him. That's between them.

Hi

Maybe one thing that you need to do is talk to your brother and sister about your children's desire for contact and the issues it raises?

If the kids can talk to their aunt and uncle about grandfather as well as to you, they may find it easier to understand?

Maybe invite your siblings over for a day? But keep out of the way of any conversation with the kids?

This is really hard - it is one we have not really had to face as our father was dead and mother too unwell for the kids to ever query the relationship.

And if it hurts at the moment, that is OK. Give yourself a little space and grieve what you lost when you were 8 years old.

One small warning - you may then find it strange when the body is still walking round after you have said goodbye to the person.

Canofworms

Had a chat with ds. I kept it very simple. His reply was "im not bothered about, if he doesn't want to have contact with me then it's his loss. I just thought he might want to.". He said he was just curious. He also said he wouldn't bother if it was upsetting me. I told him I wanted him to make up his own mind about grandad. He said "well he couldn't even answer the phone so I think that says it all".

Having read all of your responses, it's really made me think deeper about things. I hadn't realised how much of an impact it's all had on my life. Amazing how you can get much needed support from strangers. A big thank you to everyone, you've made me see things clearer.

RAS

When you know how much you love your own children and how hard it would be to leave them, it puts a different perspective on what happened to you, all those years ago?

make_me_wise

Canofworms wrote: »

Had a chat with ds. I kept it very simple. His reply was "im not bothered about, if he doesn't want to have contact with me then it's his loss. I just thought he might want to.". He said he was just curious. He also said he wouldn't bother if it was upsetting me. I told him I wanted him to make up his own mind about grandad. He said "well he couldn't even answer the phone so I think that says it all".

Having read all of your responses, it's really made me think deeper about things. I hadn't realised how much of an impact it's all had on my life. Amazing how you can get much needed support from strangers. A big thank you to everyone, you've made me see things clearer.

Your son sounds like a smart kid, who has a wise head on his shoulders. All credit to you for raising him so well. I hope you will all be okay

duchy

It is horrible when stuff like this you think is buried raises its head again.
My ex's Dad split with his Mum when he was a baby but continued to see him until one day when he was 7-said "See you next week" and simply never came back (That's the story from my ex's perpective-personally I suspect my ex MIL could have shed more light on things but didn't)

He was aware of my ex as he grew up as the MIL kept in loose contact with his sister and he knew his son had married, knew he'd had a son (he had no more children so the only grandchild) and nothing -then when my ex was in his mid twenties we got a message out of the blue that the man had been shot and was asking for him (sorry I know it sounds like a poor Eastenders script -it was all very surreal). My ex had always maintained that he was not bothered with a man who couldn't be bothered with him but when this happened it totally messed with his head -brought up a lot of unresolved feelings that completely wrong footed him and dutifully trotted off to the hospital.

I soon realized this man was completely self centred -he not once explained or apologized for how he treated his son ........and despite the fact (according to him ) he had no idea why he had got shot and the police had an armed officier guarding his hospital room -he tried to insist my husband took our six year old to see him. At this point I stopped doing the supportive wife thing and put my foot down and said there was no way our son was going within a mile of him until we knew more about the risks and what had led to the shooting (I simply don't believe someone is followed out of a bar in west London at 2am and is shot at point blank range whilst walking home for no reason).

My husband's feeling was there was more than he was telling and was hiding something but didn't confront him as he wanted to build a relationship. I did agree to meet him with my son once he was out of hospital and he was the most self centred person I'd ever met -everything was about him .

My (now ex) husband continues to see him now and again but has said he doesn't expect much from him so isn't disappointed but he never over the years has made any effort to build a relationship with his grandson. My ex hasn't pushed it-and I've wondered if it's because he doesn't think it would do any good or if he feels it's better not to set our son up for rejection . I haven't asked.

Some people are just rubbish parents and I hope in time you realize your life was better without this man and just feel relieved he has no interest in his grandchildren as I suspect they-like my son are better off without these men who have no real family feeling or concern for them. Yes they may feel guilty but that guilt is about how they feel bad about it NOT about how it feels for their grandchildren (or indeed their children).

Canofworms

RAS wrote: »

When you know how much you love your own children and how hard it would be to leave them, it puts a different perspective on what happened to you, all those years ago?

This is what I can't understand! I'd never be without mine.

Quick update
Had a long chat with my sister. She's had a big falling out with him over al of this. He said to her the past should be left in the past, he's too old to form new connections (he's not even 60!!!), and that it would just make his life/things complicated!!! My sister thinks it's more to do with the fact that her mum is only a few years older than me and that none of their friends know about me.
My sister and brother are coming up to see us in a few weeks, they've already been chatting to my kids so we're all going to concentrate on each other.

The truth hurts but at least now it's been dealt with!
I sent him a very polite text just saying that I'd tell the kids he's not interested and that he'd not hear from me again. I also added that lifes too short to hold grudges and wished him well.

I've done a lot of thinking today, looked back on my life and all the mistakes I've made. I realise I have a lot of unresolved issues I need to work through but do you know what I feel at peace, hard to explain. I guess I hoped we'd always sort things out and now as someone suggested earlier, I've said goodbye.

Thank you everyone for all your stories, views and support, you really are a lovely bunch.

suki1001

I've had an on and off relationship with my dad, since he left when I was a teenager. He did have a nervous breakdown though. I can't tell you how it felt, he walked past me on a bus. I had my daughter in a push chair and got off too. I called after him and he ignored me. Despite all of this and other similar events, I don't look at him with anger, I just guess it's not even poor parenting, it's just the inability to cope, so they just run away. You and I wouldn't do that, but imagine going through life doing that, it is definately their loss, and a shame that that is the only way they can deal with things.
I have always left the door open to him, and never criticised him for how he's behaved, because it would make me bitter. Instead, it just makes me appreciate everyone else.
I never bad mouthed him to the children even when they asked why they didn't see him. I just explained that all families were different and sometimes some people aren't as close as others. They were younger than yours.
I think you've handled this the right way OP.