Advice and views needed please - Long post warning

dizziblonde

As a kid who grew up with a huge bit of the family jigsaw puzzle missing - what I can say is that the missing "bit" never bothered me - what always bothered me more was piece-by-piece revelations of the story behind the missing bit if you get what I mean? I could deal with the revelations that someone in the family wasn't all sunshine and rainbows - but what did hurt was it being witheld and then getting snippets at a time.

I'd just tell them how it is, tell them how he's reacted and leave it at that. You've got the means to contact him if they choose they want to - which is more than I have for my missing "bit"... And yes, I know the daddy's girl and then realising daddy doesn't actually give much of a stuff about you feeling only too well - been there myself (and also have the half brother and sister floating around that I've never had any contact with). All I can say is, looking back to my late-teenage self - I would have appreciated my own mum being more open about "this is the situation with X - we can try to get in touch with him if you want to, this is what I know about your half-siblings... but it may well be they don't want contact with you - the choice is yours"... not that he's a waster or anything, because I was old enough to have figured that out long ago - but just the bare facts set straight - instead of me spending most of my childhood figuring out and piecing together fragments of information about all my family demons (and by heck have we got a lot!)

I don't actually believe my own dad regrets what he did to us at all by the way. He's had numerous chances since I hit adult life to rebuild the relationship - and thrown them all away... he ain't racked with guilt, he's only racked with guilt about getting hit up with maintenance payments - it's his loss, he's going to miss out on his grandkids, and he's likely to die a very lonely man. I can deal with that - I know I left the doors open for a comeback for many, many years - he made his own choices in life. When I refer to gaps in my own personal jigsaw - they're not really emotional gaps anymore - they're practical things like me only knowing half my detailed family medical history and things - that's the time I feel the "hole" there!

Laurabeth38

When I was growing up I never saw my dad's dad (or most of his family for that matter) I am 22 now and as far as I am aware he is still alive but I have never had any contact with him.

My dad told me from a very young age that he was not a nice person, and explained to me why and I always accepted this and thought, well, if he doesn't want anything to do with my dad, then I don't want anything to do with him.

I don't feel I've missed out on this because I know the reasons why he was a bad person, and why would I want someone like that in my life?

He has never tried to get in touch with me or my sisters

sassyblue

Canofworms wrote: »

I think it is because I've raised them with strong family values and they are curious. If I'm honest, It's just opened up a wound for me that I thought was long healed! It's the uncertainty of it all. Will he have contact, won't he, will I have to see him again etc etc. Blooming kids lol

I know you didn't mean it but it's not their fault, it's a genuine question on their behalf and if they think they're going to get to know him then unfortunately, they are going to learn his ways...

No matter if he is feeling guilty or whatever, he's had ample opportunity to get over that and get in touch with you - which he hasn't. His loss!

I know it's bought it all back for you but give yourself a day or two and you'll come to terms with it again. xx

Canofworms

podperson wrote: »

While I do appreciate that you haven't wanted to 'badmouth' your dad to your children then I do think it might be best to sit them down and have a bit of a chat about him. Something along the lines of that while you are very lucky to have a close and supportive family then everyone is different and not everyone sees family as a priority like you do (not personal opinion on that one by any means!!) I think trying to prepare them a bit beforehand could save them from having too high expectations of your father and then being disappointed as it sounds like he's not going to be a reliable part of their lives.
Have they met your half sister and brother? Could be a nicer way of them getting to know your side of the family.

Sorry - edited as I see your son is 17 - old enough imo for a basic account of your dad's role in your life so he knows that he's not exactly the happy families type beforehand.

I did tell ds not to build his hopes up to high and not to expect to much, he was ok with this. I wish we'd had a long chat before he rang him, I will do that tonight. Trouble is I know it'll open the flood gates for me and I don't want ds to see the hurt. Who knows maybe he's changed. I always like to see the best in people, I believe there is always a reason behind an action. Just because he was a crap dad doesn't mean he can't be a good grandad, surely he should be given that chance.

Canofworms

Desperado99 wrote: »

Well, that stinks! giving a time and then not picking up...... I think that speaks volumes.

Speaking as someone who doesn't have much of a relationship with the MIL (she's only seen our DD once, when she as born) so I'm a bit biased....... how much do you want your children exposed to the rejection? It's maybe at this point, as your eldest is asking questions and has had a taste of what you dad is like, that you need to explain to him why the relationship is the way it is and what grandad is like. (in an age appropriate way)

Best of luck with it

I thought it spoke volumes too but you never know, something may have come up.

Canofworms

red_devil wrote: »

Here is a different opinion. I think your brother and sister (his children) should not speak to him unless he bothers with you.

It annoys me that people get away unchallenged about their behaviour its wrong to see some of your children, not all of them and its irresponsible.

My brother doesn't actually have much contact with him, we don't discuss him. That's between them.

red_devil

Canofworms wrote: »

I did tell ds not to build his hopes up to high and not to expect to much, he was ok with this. I wish we'd had a long chat before he rang him, I will do that tonight. Trouble is I know it'll open the flood gates for me and I don't want ds to see the hurt. Who knows maybe he's changed. I always like to see the best in people, I believe there is always a reason behind an action. Just because he was a crap dad doesn't mean he can't be a good grandad, surely he should be given that chance.

He has got to want the chance. The passion want and desire has to come from him. Sadly there are alot of people around who lack the passion want and desire to see their familys. I dont know why we will all be dead one day? Get in while your can. It seems you cant force people to be interested though. If i was one of his children that he currently sees I would be challenging him. If he can do that to you, he can do that to them. Good luck.

Caroline_a

I can hear you coming up with excuses for him - you know that if something had come up, he would have got in touch as soon as he could. This must be very painful for you, OP, I have no solution to offer, only to appreciate your nuclear family and to remember that it will be his loss in the twilight of his years.

Canofworms

Thanks everybody for all your lovely replies, you've had me in pieces. I thought I'd dealt with all of this but I've realised that all I did was sweep it under the carpet.

CH27

I think you would benefit from some counselling to resolve your feelings about your dad.