Getting the money back?

99Times

Hi there, firstly sorry if this is in the wrong part

I'll attempt to summarise this.. I know I was an idiot for putting up with it so long, but bare with me..

I was with my ex for about 6 years, we moved in together in 2007. We chose the house together, he paid the mortgage and so on.

He didn't manage his money very well, and despite being on more than enough to have kept us happily going, he'd still be short each month and got himself into debt after buying himself a new PC that he couldn't get back out of the 'red'. For the time we were together, I wasn't able to drive, so he would take my debit card to buy the feed for the animals. I spent a very long time unwell, so never needed to buy anything - at this point I had no reason to doubt him, so I simply never checked my account. I had just under £3,000 in my account at the time.
Due to having issues with our next door neighbours who insisted we weren't allowed to eat after 7:30pm due to their baby being asleep (we had ENDLESS problems with them, they made life very unpleasant with constant reports to the council, RSPCA, Police etc that we were harassing them!) he decided to constantly buy takeaways almost every single night, I later found it had all been on my card. I was left with £44, when confronted he admitted he should have told me, believed he would have been able to pay me back.. all the lies.

I made him agree to pay me back, which he agreed to. About 2 years later, he took money gradually out of my account again, for about £1,700. During the two years, I'd had to give him various lumps of money to deal with his increasing debts, all which I'd been promised would be paid back. I had said I didn't mind when, as long as they were, however should we break up, then he WILL pay me back immediately - annoyingly never got it written down.

He took out a loan for £2,000 to pay me back, not long before begging my mother to help him go Bankrupt as he was in serious debts. We'd moved elsewhere by this point, they had bought him a car after he totalled his last one.. The 2k he gave me was still mostly spent back on him.

Gradually, up until I kicked him out, he'd racked up about £8,000 worth of what he owes to me. Something I'd constantly reminded him of that he would pay me back, he had agreed, etc. At this point if I ever *had* to lend him my card, I'd be checking up on how much had really been taken as he often used to wait to borrow my card to fill his car up, etc. I had said I didn't mind lending him money for petrol, as long as he asked first, not just take and not mention it until I asked.

At the last house we were at together, he again paid the rent and bills, yet still managed to stack up the council tax bill. When he left, he attempted to land it all on me, which luckily I have managed to sort out.

I have reminded him that he owes my mother a LOT of money, to which she is happy to accept £2,000 back and call it ended. (they're still losing money thanks to him, such as selling the car which they still have £1,000 to pay out on) I have told him I'm happy to accept £4,000 back in gradual installments.

Sadly due to moving back in with his parents, they are complete control freaks, and I have almost no chance of talking him around via email or in person, as they have some hold on him. At his age, he well and truly should be MUCH more mature than he is) if I was able to speak to him in person, well away from them, I'd have more of a chance of making him agree to pay me back, but as it stands, I can't. His father is very quick to threaten to send solicitors letters to me, yet never specifies exactly what. In his parents eyes, I abused him and blackmailed him to pay out for bills etc, and therefore he doesn't owe me money.

I honestly have no idea what to do. I last emailed him to remind him about the money, to which he said "Don't forget i took out a loan of £2,000 to pay you back" and hasn't replied since. He often took out lumps of money at any chance he got with my card, so I don't know where I stand in being able to get it back.

Emotionally, I am almost finally free of him, I can't cope with arguing etc, and I don't miss him (there were a lot of reasons to the break up including him being massively unfaithful) which I know I should have seen it as a sign WAY back then and ended it. I don't want things to get massively ugly, but I do want at least a bit of my money back.

Thanks in advance.

Mojisola

I think you're very unlikely to get much - if anything - back.

ruby-roo_2

I wish I could write something more positive but I feel you have no comeback in regaining this money. By what you state, he ran up the majority of the money you feel he owes you, by withdrawing cash or paying for things using your debit card. If you went the legal route to resolve this, it would be viewed that he had your permission to have that money, as you must have divulged your pin to him.

If you had taken out a loan in joint names to cover expenses, then you would have a leg to stand on, as he would be equally responsible for clearing it. I am amazed that considering he cleared almost 3k out of your account behind your back, you remained in a relationship with him, and enabled him to owe you 8k.

I must admit the comment about having to live on takeaways, because the neighbours would not let you eat after 7.30, in case you woke their baby totally astounded me. Seriously did none of those sort of suggestions from your ex ring any alarm bells with you? :eek:

As gauling as it will be I think you are going to have to chalk all this down to experience and accept that he is not going to pay you this money back.

skintandscared_2

When you say you chose the house together but he "paid the mortgage and so on" do you mean that he always paid the bills for the house and you didn't contribute? Could he potentially use that as an "offset" of the money of yours he used?

It's a horrible situation to be in but I have to agree that without anything in writing I don't hold out much hope of getting anything back. You continuously gave him your card (and, I presume, PIN number) which is effectively giving him permission to use your account.

99Times

Sadly they did - At that point I was very young (only 17) and had no idea how to deal with it. The stress got to me very quickly, and constantly relied on him saying he'd "sort it" I knew deep down that he probably wouldn't, but I simply gave up questioning it in the end.

Thank you all for being honest, I sadly have a very strong feeling you're all 100% right on this. I have no idea as to what level of contact we will keep, as he acts very much on his high horse (and in as few words as possible) he doesn't "talk" and never has (or be honest and open about things) so it's so difficult to speak and get anything out of him. I don't dare go to his parents to speak to him as it would only end up in an insanely large arguement


Sadly yes, I paid for food but aside from that, didn't pay the bills unless he had no money, which went from my account in cash to his own. I paid bills for the animals (including livery for the horse etc) but have still always been seen by his parents as "the girl who stole all his money" despite I never touched a penny of his ( nor got Christmas or birthday presants from him) sadly they said the same about his last girlfriend, who I have since found out went through almost exactly the same with him as what I have!

Cornish_piskie

Hi OP

Can you clarify what you were responsible for paying towards in the household? Did you pay a share of the mortgage/rent/utility bills?

shebangs

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Sambucus_Nigra

99Times wrote: »

I was with my ex for about 6 years, we moved in together in 2007. We chose the house together, he paid the mortgage and so on...but I do want at least a bit of my money back.

Hi

Were you on this mortgage? What has happened since, has the house been sold?

fannyadams

I hate to say this bluntly but having been there and done that the most you will walk away with is your health.
FWIW my history
ex BF ALWAYS borrowing money off me, despite being a 'combat squaddie' and living on base with no other vivible overheads (children/ex wife/house elsewhere/car habit - like a lot of them do have)... total lends £2K - amount returned NONE
ex BF borrowed money to sort out his finances... total lends £3K, got a good job 'in the city' - amount returned £500 (but only because I know some 'very persuasive people' IYSWIM)

sorry luvvie but it's not going to happen - and the small claims court can't/won't help you either.
I really do wish I could give you some hope but as everyone has said chalk it up to experience and let it go.
FA
xx

99Times

Hi guys:

Sambucus: I don't think I was, the house was voluntarily surrendered when he went BR

Thank you Ruby, I trusted him a great deal in the start. Gradually when it sank in that he really wasn't the nice guy I'd thought, I blindly carried on waiting for him to rectify things. He was very good with the apologies and the tears and sorrys seemed pretty realistic. It's another thing I found out later on that he had been very good at doing with his ex's

Cornish: I paid for the food and paid for things such as oil at our second house (only when he was fully unable to due to being careless with his own money) which are the only things I have reciepts for etc.


Thank you all for being so honest about this, I know my own mother is saying she doesn't mind if she doesn't get her money back as long as I do, but I've pointed out to her that every time she has emailed threatening him, it pushes the chance of me being able to persuade him round much much harder) It is a bitter pill to swallow I think but not massively surprising!

Sambucus_Nigra

99Times wrote: »

Hi guys:

Sambucus: I don't think I was, the house was voluntarily surrendered when he went BR

You'd know if you had taken a mortgage out, wouldn't you?

I'd take the money that he has taken from you as rent for the years you were together and move on.